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Hi all,
I need somewhere to vent. I am (removed by moderator) shaking, I’m not in danger but have been arguing with my OH solidly for (removed by moderator) and am utterly drained.
We have tried to confront the issue of control and how I feel he is controlling but all he says is that my perception is wrong and I am clouding everything with this bad perception of him and turning him into a monster and making decisions based on these feelings.
I literally feel like I’m going mad, like I am reading everything wrong and ruining everything. Questioning everything. Now I can’t stop shaking and crying.
I was ready to walk earlier but I’m just not ready, not sure I will ever be.
Help xx -
It’s pointless arguing or even discussing things with an abuser. It’s a sure sign you’re being abused when you leave a conversation feeling like you do. Does anyone else in your life reduce you to this? No. There is no negotiating with an abuser. Don’t waste your breath. Stand back and take the emotion out of his comments. Write his comments down and when you’re less emotional you will see how totally delusional they are. You’re arguing with a delusional pathological liar.
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Thanks for replying KIP.
I can’t remember his comments.
If I say them back to him the way I heard them, he says that isn’t what he said, I can never remember word for word and if I use the ‘wrong’ words he says my perception is wrong. So I just feel like if I write the comments down, I will be writing them wrong and so I can’t actually rely on them being truthful!? Does that make any kind of sense? It is so messed up! Xx -
I think it probably helps even to write them wrong and even in the wrong order so they make no sense.
I have come on to the forum this morning because I have just had the beginning of a situation with my OH but it was on the phone and he terminated it as soon as I raised an objection to what he was asking me to do. “Fine, don’t bother then” and the line goes dead. So I am left with the feeling that I want to be allowed to put my point and how could I do it. But then I see Kip’s comments and I realise I can’t. What are we supposed to do? Just allow ourselves to be controlled rather than trying to resist? -
Mu ex was exactly the same. Never ever seen he was in the wrong never apologised and if the rare occasion he did it would be along the lines I’m sorry I said that but you are making me so angry with the way you treated me so the apology wasn’t even an apology it was another opportunity to put his behaviour issues as my fault rather than taken the responsibility. If I ever tried to voice my opinion I would get shut down and told I was being negative and he would blow up again. I had no value no opinion it was his way or hell. After a very long time I just got to the point we’re I didn’t even bother with tryin to give my opining for an easier life and less arguments but I think it made it worse in the long run for my mental state and it gave him more control and more power over me. Once the penny dropped for me I could see all be behavior and actions for what it really was and I now look back t all the times he made me doubt what he had said to me and the way he said things to me and can see no that was all on him. They try to make you believe every argument is your fault and it’s not.
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@Lottieblue I know exactly what you mean it’s like being caught between a rock and a hard place.
I know reacting to it plays into his hands but like you say, what are you supposed to do? Now I look like the mad one while he gets to look like the total voice of reason and sit with the kids to calm them down.
Hope you’re ok xx -
What happens in the end is you become a total shell of a person and you sit there while he vents at you just to make himself feel big. You lose all sense of reality and become depressed and suicidal. You can be a strong parent, daughter, sister or friend and the life gets sucked out of you. Don’t make the mistake I made by staying with an abuser. There are no winners here and the longer you stay and expose your children to it, the more damage and the longer it will take to recover. It’s not you it’s him. Read Living with the Dominator and start thinking with your head instead of your heart and your emotions. He’s out to destroy you and dominate you because he simply enjoys it. You are just collateral damage for his delusional behaviour x
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That should read you cannot be a strong mother, sister, daughter, friend or human being while you’re traumatised this way so it’s all those people in your life who miss out and suffer too x don’t be fooled by the cycle of abuse. All he does is push you off the cliff and then rescue you and pretend he’s a hero hes not the person you see, the real him wears a mask to keep you hooked in it eventually he won’t even care when you’re destroyed and going nowhere x
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Yep that’s true. Mine used to rant and rave, stalking me from room to room. When I tried to stop him or help myself he got worse. Afterwards he called it an argument. It’s not arguing it’s abuse and I now know he gets off on it. I saw him provoking his ex wife last year and when she got angry he looked like he’d won the lottery. I felt sick to my stomach. Your other half is feeding off your despair and frustration. Don’t respond and get rid off him. You cannot live as a human with these n*********s.
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Lest break down this argument. So you were arguing about his controlling behaviour? And was his reply to sit rationally and listen to you and then apologise? Or did he throw it all back at you? Turn the argument round on you and take the spotlight of his behaviour? So now you’re the one with the problem not him and he still hasn’t addressed his controlling behaviour. You might not see it but his own response is controlling behaviour. It’s shutting down a conversation he doesn’t like and making you so upset you won’t dare call him out again.
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He has made you lose your self confidence and your self esteem. He’s has made you believe that you couldn’t cope without him. You are trauma bonded to him and you fear the consequences of leaving him. Your brain is stuck in trauma and when you’re stuck there you cannot think rationally. The ‘fight flight or freeze’ response kicks in and the rational part of the brain shuts down. I’m sure there were good times at one point and you worry if you’re over reacting and that the good man you once knew will come back if you just change your behaviour. But that good man never existed. That was a mask he wore to hook you in. Your brain minimises his behaviour as a coping mechanism so you’re also fighting that. Go back to the woman you were before you met him. Would she put up with this? Would she be happy? Would she be fighting for her freedom and independence?
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It’s because he has traumatised u over and over. Someone posted a really good link about trauma bonding the other day. I read it twice! You brain feels danger so your looking for solice we internalise and it’s common for us to try to find a solution we turn to the person who’s actually causing it. That’s because when we’re traumatised we can think rationally none of us can. This might seem impossible to leave righ now because of this mind set. All I can say is try to believe that the only way to get out of this is to be away from him. Trial and error will only show you that he will never be reasonable or truthful. You can never trust the opinion of an abuser. You need professionals on your side to do this. You really need to break free and it is doable xx I promise.
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@diymum@1 thanks, do you have the link? Might be a useful read.
@Kip thank you for all your words. I really appreciate it. Xx -
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Lundy Bancroft also has another book titled ‘Should I stay or should I go’. Might be worth a look, on his website there is a section you can print off to give to your oh to try to get him to realise how he is treating you but I think most on here will agree that he won’t even look at it. Mine didn’t when I challenged him last year kind of the same as you. He brought up past times I had hurt him so now it was payback.
I understand totally where you are now because I am exactly the same, angry and wanting him to accept he is a bully. I wish I had, had the strength to leave when my kids were young because I can now see the damage staying has caused them. Mine are all over 21 now and I thought for the most part he was a good dad but hindsight is a wonderful thing. He was a good dad when it suited him, but his life and his hobbies came first. I relied on hand me downs and rarely could afford to buy them new clothes but he had his new welder or new gear for his hobby.
Take care xx -
@Catjam the acceptance and acknowledgement of the hurt they have caused and some kind of apology or.responsibility!? Coming to realise it will never happen. Sorry to hear you are in this position too. It feels to me like the situation has just got worse since I actually brought up the issue of control. I haven’t used the word abuse yet but I don’t think I can after this reaction. They just put us straight back in our place.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing Catjam, you’re right but we make decisions based on how we feel at the time and we can’t beat ourselves up for that. You did the best with what you had and I am sure your kids know that.Big hugs x*x
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My x abusive partner called freedom prog the Mickey Mouse club
And Lundy Bancroft an idiot and he must be abusive to write such books
I worry when you call them on there behaviour you just fuel them with knowledge and they just up the anti
Apologies are fake also they no what they are doing they just don’t care in my experience -
Dragon – your partner sounds identical to mine, could literally be me writing your posts. It really got to me when you wrote “he leaves me on the edge thinking I got myself there and only I can find my way back because I caused it all”… I’m basically made to feel that way every day. I’ve brought up his control and he just belittles me and asks for examples but, by the time he gets to asking that, he has my brain so mashed that in the heat of the moment I can’t think of one! A few hours later, when I’ve calmed down a bit, I can think of dozens. I don’t know how they do it, have us so twisted.
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Apologies seem to happen in our home, but never with any real sincerity when reflected upon. I’ve started making notes on my phone, trying to pick up on patterns. Might be an idea to do the same, if it’s safe to.
Thinking of you, big hug x -
They do it because we are traumatised. When you’ve been traumatised and you’re faced with it again, your rational part of your brain shuts down, while the fight flight and freeze part kicks in to keep us safe. I reckon when I was with my abuser I was only using about 30 percent of my head space. All the other headspace was taken up trying to keep myself and my child and my pet safe. It leaves very little space for rational thinking. That’s another reason we find it so difficult to navigate away from an abuser. Only when you’ve been zero contact for a while will you begin to get that headspace back. Abusers stunt our growth and if you have kids you can only imagine how their development is stunted while witnessing abuse x
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Thank you for all your replies. I am really struggling to cope, as I know some others of you are.
I feel so angry, he gets to play calm, rational, good guy with the crazy OH. And I am playing straight into his hands right now, I feel so irrational. I have mentioned to him I feel angry but we had another argument and it made it worse.
Do I just have to fake feeling normal?
I feel like he is loving this.Big hugs ladies, to all of you. X*x
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He is absolutely loving this. There is no point in trying to communicate you’re feelings. He simply doesn’t care. This will never change, you could try looking up the grey rock method. Where you just ignore him, don’t engage but this will probably just provoke his anger. You need help and you need a safe exit plan but mostly you need to recognise that he is toxic. Contact is toxic.
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Thanks KIP, thanks everybody. I never thought of being traumatised in that way. My brain, particularly when under attack, feels useless – I get my words confused, I repeat myself, everything I want to say that’s in my head I can’t get out. He says things like “why are you saying that, you’re an intelligent person, you KNOW that’s not the way I meant it” and, in the heat of the moment, I find myself apologising! I seem to spend my life saying sorry. Take care everyone x
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Oh man, yes, I totally relate to that. That is what he says to me, like ‘you know I am not that person’ ‘you have gone mad’ and ‘why do you say it like that, you should have said it like this’ (like there is another way I could have said something that would get a better reaction out of him, it is my fault for the way I communicate, not the way he reacts. Of course).
I have stopped saying sorry though. I realised that all that does is confirm the blame is mine and give him permission to blame me because I have accepted liability by apologising.
X*x
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