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So, I’m still having times when i doubt that what I am experiencing is abusive. Sound pathetic don’t I? I just don’t want to be moaning about things that aren’t abusive or that aren’t really that big a deal – even if it feels like it is to me.
When he is calling me names (r****d, b***h), saying he’s leaving the family as no one loves him, moaning at me for not doing things quickly enough – it’s all done in jest! Like its light hearted. I can’t explain how I know that he doesn’t mean it in a light hearted manner except to say that I’m listening to my gut. Anyone who overheard would say I was making too much of it – but it’s constant!
He comes home from work, plays on his phone or computer – nothing else. Doesn’t ask how my day was, won’t move unless there’s food on the table or I’m at work and the kids need something they can’t do themselves. He doesn’t interact with them at all, can’t remember the last time he asked how their days went, did they have fun etc. Our pet is terrified of him and he disciplined him last night (while I was upstairs) and he wouldn’t come back into the house until he had gone. I didn’t hear him Yelp or anything but the animal was terrified.
Maybe I’m answering my own question?
TTMO X
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I think you just did.
It is easier to see abuse when it is done to other people or animals. It is easier to brush something off as it “only” or just a “joke”.
When you respect someone you don’t call them names.
You ask them how their day went and listen.
You help with looking after the place you all live in.
You love and cherish and protect and support and help your children grow, you don’t ignore them.
Your pet has learnt that making a noise probably means more of whatever he does and to stay out of the way.Saying that you are leaving, no-one loves me, children and teenagers do that because they are learning, testing the waters etc.
Adults do it to control.Constantly doing it is chipping away the same as if you have a little leak in the bathroom and do nothing about it until the ceiling falls in.
These are BIG things. Not little.
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Oh my goodness…..there is so much of my own experience in your story, so I am sending you ALL a big hug!! My therapist always said to me ‘trust your gut instinct’ but they manipulate your mind, that your aren’t say anything in-case you are wrong and it is you…..I am still feeling some of that now. My ? at a weekend used to sit with his laptop on his knee and sport on the television with no thought of me, no speaking to me etc. He was at times awful to the dog to….when the ???? came round, he wouldn’t speak to the ?????? and it was like walking on egg shells and I always made excuses for him ‘dad isn’t feeling well right now’. The difficulty I am having now, if anyone else has gone through the experience…….I know the children need to have a relationship with him and I am going to find this so hard, they only know bits of what he has done over the years……and I know I have to be careful what I say as I don’t want to loose their love either, that would destroy me………has anyone any advice?
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Thank you Suntree, you are so right, adults do this to control. I just need to accept this and work out how to move forward.
Thank you xxxx
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Hi timetomoveon, Never underestimate the power of words, being called names and being made to feel worthless has a very heavy emotional toll. All abuse is bad, there is no bad enough what he is doing to you is not right. Trust your gut if it is saying it is not a joke then you are more than likely right. xx
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I often question if I left abuse or not. We argued, he smashed the house, he NEVER apologise but gave me tje silent treatment and called me a nag if I tried to talk about it. He even pulled the handbreak on the car when I was driving and I crashed, only a few people know that and tell me its abuse but I am so numb and confused even that does not shock me and I feel I am over reacting. I got the police to remove him (detail removed by moderator) because he came home (detail removed by moderator) drunk and accusing me if having an affair ( not true) but now he is out of the house my mind is numbing how I felt and I am seriouy question if it even happened. Some days i am strong then he messages me ans says he will work on his issues if I accept I am part responsible, then says he is moving far away. I get distraught message him and then he says whats the point of me staying you are ignoring me! Literally just now he has text and asked if I want to go out with him. I am so so confused!!!! Am I playing mind games? I am too scared to even tell him I can’t, to put boundaries in place or be honest with him. Please help! Will I be on my own forever? Maybe he is the person I am ment to be with and we need to work on things? He can be so good and understanding. Am I being a b****? I have been going mad! I signed up to a dating site I am terrified of being on my own or him moving on and regretting not giving him a chance.
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TTMO – Definitely abuse…..and not acceptable by any standards. Trust your gut instinct, it will never fail you. I should have listened to my gut instinct on at least six separate occasions, but I didn’t. I didn’t because he convinced me I was a paranoid, neurotic fool. It was my gut that told me something was going on with someone else last year and he denied everything. But for the first time, I went with my gut and told him to go. He did. I moved home with our son and I spent months feeling I had been wrong and I had just ruined our marriage. He spent months ‘wooing’ me back. Only to cruelly sit me down to tell me that he in fact had just started seeing someone, and she was going to have his baby. Didn’t even tell me the whole truth then. That I got from ‘her’ when she called me to find out if he had cheated on her with me, his wife! Seems my gut was right, he had been having an affair with a married woman for several months before we split, even using our son to meet up with her! So, all that time he claimed I was paranoid and neurotic, I WAS RIGHT!!!
Freedom – Ignore him. Don’t be tempted. He wont have changed, I promise you. And he wont get his issues sorted. Its all lip service to get their own way. My ex has done this to me many times, each time we have split up because of his infidelities and excessive lies. I believed him every time. I was wrong. These men are a type of person and it is not in them to change. I am sorry to sound harsh and obviously it is your choice. But I just wanted to let you know……I have been in your shoes, and I have no intention of going there ever again. I very nearly lost my mind, in fact I am still struggling now!! x
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I also worry about being on my own sometimes, but that’s natural, we have been trained to be emotionally dependant on our abusers, so we can not see life as workable on our own. But that is no life to go back to either.
My ex, after physically assaulting me a few times, knew he couldn’t do it again when I screamed at him that if he touched me again I would call the police. So instead he would head butt walls and smash fists through doors whilst pressing his forehead into mine. Threatening assault at all times when he was angry and especially after drinking. Thankfully he didn’t drink often. Next day be as nice as pie and sometimes even buy me flowers. Then text me all day, loving things that I so wanted to hear, that I forgot the nastiness I had been on receiving end of. Clever man, manipulating my emotions like they meant nothing.I just hope I can recognise that in a possible new partner and run a mile if hes like it!
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