Verbal battering in front of son

[Robin]

He’s just been shouting at me about my care of our toddler because (detail removed by moderator).

I agree with him that he does need to go to (detail removed by moderator) but he kept going on. He said I was letting our son down and does he have to educate me on everything that he’s better off in care than with me.

I had to leave the room because I couldnt listen to anymore and older son was sat between us and at one point had his hands over his ears and then at others bidding his head in agreement with his dad. As I was leaving the room he shouted that if I did it again he’d throw me out.

After I left the room I could still hear him saying to our son (detail removed by moderator).

I am so upset. I don’t mind being told if I misjudged something but I didn’t expect this. I think it’s because I had pulled him up on shouting at our toddler beacuse he wouldn’t eat. He picked him up angrily in his high chair and put him in the hallway because he couldn’t stand his crying (because he was getting upset at his dad getting cross at him for not eating). He also said to our eldest that our toddler was a disappointment and I’d asked him not to talk like that to him.

I don’t know what to do.

[KIP.]

Hi there. It becomes easier to understand his behaviour when you realise these outbursts have no substance behind them. He’s using this as an excuse to abuse you. You could be the perfect wife and mother and he’s going to abuse you about something. The sad thing is the kids are obviously badly affected and influenced by his behaviour. I’m afraid it’s only going to get worse. Contact your local women’s aid for support and advice X

[lover of no contact]

Robin, its not about the food. In my opinion knowing abusers as I do, he couldn’t care less if your toddler is eating or not. He’s just using this as an excuse to abuse you. He knows your toddler’s eating pattern worries you so he knows he’s pushing your buttons when he refers to it. If it wasn’t this it would be something else.
He has used this to abuse you…

He has shouted at you. (There is never an excuse for anyone to yell at anyone else).
He has made threats that your child would be better off in care than with you.
He has threatened that he will throw you out if you do it again (who does he think he is?).
He has criticized you to your son saying you are (removed by moderator). (How dare he?).
He has shouted at your toddler and said your toddler is a disappointment (what an awful thing to say about a child, its cruel.

He has done all this because he wants to upset you and upset the 2 boys. He gets a perverse satisfaction from seeing you and the boys upset. He will be smiling secretly to himself. Oh he might pretend he is angry (he’s not), its a tactic to upset the household.

You are probably on the red phase of the cycle of abuse. You have just passed the yellow part of the cycle where he has been building up to this latest abusive incident. Tomorrow or in a day or two he will default into being nice again (or not abusive). There will be a calm. Then after a while of this calm (green phase) he will start nit-picking again (tension building and yellow phase) until another abusive incident (red phase).

Google the ‘Cycle of Abuse’ and the ‘Power and Control’ wheel. You will see he is classic abuser and you and your boys are living in this cycle of abuse.

If you get a chance I would ring Women’s Aid and tell them what has happened.

Unfortunately its not going to get better, it will get worse. Keep posting so you don’t get further upset and further weakened by his abuse.

I have been where you are, its awful, but I eventually got out of the cycle of abuse with my now ex-husband.

[older lady]

Hello, Robin. I would look up ‘gaslighting’ for an explanation of the behaviour you describe.

[KIP.]

They remember everything and choose to continue the abuse and confusion by gas lighting as above. Leaving us confused and once again doubting ourselves. Making excuses for them. It’s not an uncontrollable rage. I used to think this way but when it was explained that he only rages at me when the door is closed and there is no witness! If it was uncontrollable rage he would do it in public. He plans his abuse and it’s only going to get worse. Please contact women’s aid. What your abuser is doing is playing mind games with you. Terrible debilitating mind games. And they are experts x

[Betterblonde]

my ex constantly picks at my parenting, he has a go at me for letting our young son share my bed, there is only me in it and its only because he wants to but for some reason his dad has a huge problem with it. If it isn’t that it is something else. Whatever you do is going to be wrong, there is no right of wrong with them just their moods.

[Silverfern]

This sounds exactly like my home life, the smallest things develop into a character assassination, quips about what I have and haven’t done with my daughter. Why aren’t I using home made meals because ready made ‘cost him money’….it was a one off because she was ill and I wanted to give her something I knew she would like and nothing I had in the freezer appealed. Why haven’t I sorted the cloth nappies that we bought second hand yet, why haven’t I taken her out that day. Side comments about her being in front of the TV, not sorting the clothes that are too small from her drawers when he tries to put her in something that doesn’t fit…..but most of the time his qualms involve me being a lazy, vindictive, liar. Nothing I ever do is right and there will always be another thing the next time…..I just hope the next isn’t as bad as the last.

Agree with KIP, I used to think my partner was stressed, tired….and that’s why it was being taken out on me, misdirected anger or perhaps just an aggression problem but then I realised he is everyone’s best friend outside of our house and can talk softly to our daughter and in the same breath turn and shout at me about being pathetic, bone idol and socially inept.

[itmustbemesurely]

this sounds so familiar – last night my daughter was really rude to me, angry and spoke to me in a really derogatory way, she started to throw pillows, just down to over tiredness – she wanted to stay up later, she can’t cope with it so I go in calmly and tell her its time for sleep and she kicks off….not unusual when she’s just exhausted and fighting actually going to sleep…however, the way I dealt with it was bad, I was a f###ing disgrace, pathetic, useless, my son heard what happened and says that it ‘wasn’t you Mum’ but I am drawing him into it to make me seem better…god I hate him. Like you though I am scared to leave, he will be ok in a few days again, our lives revolve around him, I can not remember when he asked ‘how was your day’ or showed any interest in me. He talks constantly about himself, his business, how great he is, how stressed he is, what he is doing……he behaves like that because I don’t give him attention…oh we all have to suffer because you’ve got your period, we are in for a mad few days as usual this month then…I hate him

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