Very complicated situation- need help

[Readytoleave]

I’ve recently been feeling like I need to work out if my partner is emotionally abusive or if it just our life circumstances causing arguments or if I’m too sensitive or over exaggerating situations or maybe I make things up for my own benefit, or if it’s just my hormones making me crazy.

We have a few children together, he doesn’t drink, cheat, or gamble. He loves me and the kids no doubt. He helps around the house with all the chores. Never complains about changing a nappy. Not great at diy and not a very social person. He has an undiagnosed issue which causes pain and despite doctors doing lots of tests they put it down to depression to which he will not address. His low moods/times of pain will cause him to be super super tired which in turn makes him edgy around me and the kids. He’s never physically abusive. We shout at each other a lot and if I’m honest I’ve been physically abusive towards him like throwing things at him- mugs, toys.

An example of the kind of situations or arguments we have…

(detail removed by Moderator) we had dinner and drinks with friends… (detail removed by Moderator) That led to a discussion between me and my partner about how I didn’t send him my holiday dates for a trip away (detail removed by Moderator) not for another (detail removed by Moderator) months. To which I apologised and said I’d send them in the am. He would not let up and long story short what followed was him accusing me of being a liar and an a*****e.

We argue alot. We have no support system around us so it’s just us two. It’s a lot. We have no time for ourselves. No time to spend together and we live in a small space so it feels like a pressure cooker sometimes.

Some of the things he will say to me are-
* claims I prefer to spend more time with others than him- I am a very social person where as he is more of a hermit
* says he’s always doing everything- ‘that he can’t keep doing everything’
* always says I’ve ruined his life or his life was ruined from the moment he met me
* constantly talks about wanting time away from me and the kids or that he never gets a break

It’s so hard to even describe what I’m going through. I read over this and think I’m mad even asking for help because it doesn’t even make sense. Also I read other peoples experiences like men cheating or doing drugs and he’s not like that in any way. He’s very honest and loving. But has like this nasty side I’ve no idea how to explain it. But I am exhausted from it all.

[Anonymous]

There Are definite signs of abuse and control there, are you both isolated and without a support system through his guilt and manipulation or him maybe saying how you both don’t need any (everyone needs a support system cos everyone needs and is gonna need support at some point in their life) or is it just a case of you just don’t have a support system, also your username is screaming out your feelings your name is ready to leave that says a huge amount about what you want, you’ve got a lot to think about and I can’t imagine it’s gonna be an easy choice, also isolation is something abusers do to stop others knowing what they’re doing to their partner and to break a support network down to stop them leaving easily (whether he’s caused that or it’s just the way it is I dunno) but either way you’ll get more posts, pretty sure what they’re gonna say, take care love to you and your babies keep posting so we know how your getting on 🤗😗💗

[Readytoleave]

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply Auriel it’s really appreciated.

In terms of support system we have friends just don’t have a family network due to location but nothing he’s done in that way.

It’s just so complicated because In so many ways I am the one that causes all the problems. Like I tend to drink to much sometimes,I have ocd tendencies which can make me have anxiety over the smallest things. I can definitely be hard to live with.

I guess in my head I know he is verbally abusive. But I do love him and we have fun together, he’s a great dad.

I notice a lot of talk about the book by Lundy Bancroft and the part about being able to change someone with abusive behaviour.

Does anyone have any experience of this? I’m guessing not otherwise they’d not be on this forum… but if there is anyone with that kind of experience I’d love to hear from you.

[Anonymous]

I’ve not read the book, I’ve read extracts from an online sample and I found it disturbing highly informative but it shook me (so much it woke me up 5 times in 1 night (but I was training to be an d.a ambassador at the time so all of it was stressful) but yeah I’ve experienced every type of abuse from early childhood to adult/relationships Most eye opening thing for me was the freedom programme course I did some time before covid (also comes under the book living with the dominator by pat craven) but yeah you are right there are forms of abuse and control in your relationship, your husband obvious knew about your ocd and anxiety when you got married that doesn’t give him the right to abuse you,so don’t blame yourself from what you’ve written he’s been abusive at completely unnecessary times for unnecessary things but if you want to stay and you want to make it work (you don’t have to tolerate it) but if you want to stay this is your life to live but we’re here so are women’s aid on the phone and other organisations if you need any of us 🤗❤️🤗

[Author]

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