Very confused

[Chestnut]

Hi, I am new on here and just keen to get some advice /views on what might be going on. I have been in a relationship for (detail removed by moderator) which has always been “eventful”. Started of really well, quickly ,moved counties and lived together, but looking back now I can see lots of things that were not great and i think my head was trying to tell me at the time but I ignored it. Lots of silent treatments for 24 hours plus, little sarcastic comments, some extreme driving with me in the car. Normally as the result of something I would consider small like asking could we park near the door as it is raining; resulted in suddenly driving very quick an emergency stop and not talking to me for hours, me trailing along behind like a little kid but then meet some friends and acts like nothing happened. I remember when we got together he said “I didn’t respect any of my previous girlfriends but I do respect you”, thinking about this now I feel such an idiot. The crazy driving has stopped but the silent treatments continue. I also find if I say I would like to do something he suggests doing it in a different way, which is fine but if I say I would just like to do it the way I said he states why do I always disagree with him, not value his opinion, get silent treatment. I now just get lots of little jibes, little sarcastic put downs but threaded with days of him being very nice. These comments come out of nowhere, I gave the dog a hug “that is a sign of the state of our relationship if you are hugging the dog”. No context to this at all! Jokes about me coming home and as I apparently have a lot of stuff (I don’t) my belongings will be out in the garden. Moves my things without asking, come home on more than one occasion and all my clothes are out and belongings were he has decided he wants to move the room around. On there own sound tiny things, but it’s the collective. He also grabs my legs hard and kisses me hard forcing his face on mine so it hurts I tell him to stop and he always says you are not as much fun as you used to be. Last year I started to consider this could be abusuve, I was upset, then angry, now pretty sure this is what has been happening for a long time, but finding it hard to accept, what do you think? A complication is he has (detail removed by moderator) and this can add to mood swings, he can flip in an instant, but the reason I think it isn’t this as the sarcastic comments don’t seem to me to be someone who has lost control, they seem deliberate and thought out? I have blamed (detail removed by moderator), his mum dying, a tricky childhood, I think I have just run out of excuses. Would really appreciate what you think, have I gone mad? I just read the Lundy Bancroft book after seeing it on here and it has made me feel the relationship can’t carry on. I have stopped doing things as I don’t do them well enough, don’t touch the garden, cook, can’t wash the dogs right! Etc he can be very nice, does do housework etc, can be kind to others, volunteers etc. I just want to stay sane

[Iwantmeback]

HI there and welcome to the forum. Oh yes you’re right this is abuse. My oh has same illness, and yes side effects are change of mood, I too pushed away my doubts saying it was the illness. No it’s abuse plain and simple. My oh also lost family members siblings and parents, again excused his behaviour because of this, he also had a hard childhood. Our stories are so similar it’s quite scary. The hard kisses,not funny, so bl..dy sore, as was being grabbed, pawed at. He watched alot of porn, its where they learn to treat women amongst other things, the way their parents interacted. Not all abusive men come from ‘bad homes’. They come from ‘good homes’ too, that gives way to feelings of entitlement, grandiosity. I too stopped doing things around the house and with him, couldn’t ever do it right, so thought what’s the point. Read up on the cycle of abuse, that’s why bad behaviour is broken up with times of niceness. Let’s face it, if they were nasty 100% of the time we’d have left a long time ago. I left my husband just over a (detail removed by moderator), was with him for well over (detail removed by moderator). You just get to a stage where you cant do it anymore. The only way you’ll start to feel any sense of sanity is to put distance between you. These men never really change. There may be a % who do, but Lundy Bancroft did a study of 2000 of his clients and I believe the result was 2% who changed,as for IF it was permanent change I’m unsure. It takes too much time and effort to become a nicer person all the time,why do that when it’s far easier to pretend to have changed, reel you back in for it all to start again, but with bells on.
Start reading up on a safe exit plan, get advice from your local WA. Sadly its us who generally leave the house. My way of looking at it was I didn’t want a daily reminder of what I’d gone through, to constantly be aware of the time when he’d have been due in from work. To know that if I’d stayed and he’d left, that I was sitting duck basically, there fir him to turn up whenever he wanted or contact if the.car wasn’t in the driveway.
Once the fear of staying becomes greater than the fear of leaving then you’re ready to move on. Until then keep planning and preparing. If you change your mind that’s okay too, you’ll have an extremely tidy house if nothing else, we’re here whatever you decide. This is your life, live it your way, not the way someone else says you should. I really can’t get over the similarities in our husbands, it’s mindblowing.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Chestnut]

Thank you so much for your reply, this really means a lot to me. I have spent years thinking I have been too sensitive, annoying!etc. The crazy driving I think has stopped as I avoid conflict in the car and have been known to just close my eyes and tried to pretend it is not happening. The conversations are mind boggling and can go from me asking if he would like s cup of tea, to some confusing conversation about using the wrong tea bags as the right ones are in the coffee pot. Just weird and get twisted, nothing is s normal conversation! I didn’t put anything in the loft when we moved in as I was worried I wouldn’t be able to get to it quickly if I needed to leave. This is not normal. I left once and came back. I am making a plan. I secretly hoped for years that someone would realise and pull me out of it, friends have raised concerns but have felt they couldn’t tell me to leave. I realise I am the only one who can do this. Thank you so much again!

[Camel]

Hi Chestnut

Don’t be confused any longer. Everything you describe is abuse. Read the posts on this forum as everyone has experienced one thing or another. You will never make sense of the confusion and chaos. Don’t waste your energy trying.

It’s interesting how many men justify their behaviour by citing depression, a cheating ex or some other kind of trauma – none of which are particularly remarkable whatever they may claim. But consider this. Would a counsellor or a doctor or nurse put up with their abuse? These days in particular there are signs everywhere saying that staff will not tolerate abusive behaviour. It’s accepted that regardless of circumstance we’re expected to behave with respect to all. Yet for some reason, abusers feel they can behave as they wish behind closed doors.

Ask yourself if you’re truly happy. If you’re not, that’s all the reason you need to start to break away.

Best of luck x

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