23rd June 2016 at 11:19 am #19905AnonymousInactive
I’ve been with my partner for a number of years now and we have a young child together. I’ve been mentally and physically abused since I had my child, although my partner makes me sometimes doubt this when he says he’s not abusive, I’ve been spat on, had hair ripped out, kicked pushed etc and constantly called vulgar names. He won’t let me wear certain clothes or speak to certain people, I can’t even have a bath for too long or I get accused of all sorts. He says this is my fault because I apparently lie to him about things,although I haven’t he is adamant that he’s right. I’ve recently left to live with family after he pushed me and I cut my head which resulted in me being unconscious and needing stitches. However all I want to do is go home, I want my life back but I also don’t want to leave him. He’s been in touch and to be honest does not seem overly sorry but he says that people get help in these situations like counseling, rather than just leaving. What do I do.
23rd June 2016 at 1:39 pm #19920AnonymousInactive
Every single word you mentioned relates back to my relationship. My abuser does and says the exact same things as your husband does. I dont have experience in getting out as I am to afraid and dont have the courage too, but what I have learned from the ladies on this forum is that it is normal to feel that you want him back. They call it Trauma bonding, google it and I promise you will feel related to almost everything they touch on.
If there is one piece of advise I can give you out of my experience, is DO NOT go back. An abuser’s ways never change. They will always stay abusive and with time it gets worse. Next time you might not have a chance to get out. Couples counselling usually just makes it worse. Please read the post by Suspicious1 where she explains exactly what happened to her in counselling. Your abuser will then have ammunition to use against you. Even if you do consider taking him back, which I urge you not to do, please do not give in for counselling, rather do counselling on your own.
Your situation is very dangerous and next time it might be worse than a cut. If I had the chance to get out, I will take it and never look back. I am really proud of you that you could go as far as leaving in the first place.
Unfortunately, the main decision lies in your hands. Whether you want to go back or not, but before you make your decision, read a few of the posts on this forum and see what some of the ladies have been through. It will be better for you to move on, but if you do take him back. Please be very careful and watch his behavior, for the sake of you and your child’s safety.
I send you all my love and hope you get through this.
23rd June 2016 at 3:00 pm #19924AnonymousInactive
Woman in need thank-you for your reply it really helped pick me up when I was at a low. One minute I desperately want to go home but the next I don’t because the thought of him controlling me is too much. I worry that I will leave and then regret it. I have an appointment with housing people , although my family wants me away from where I lived but it means moving my child schools, although he would adapt since he is young I still feel it’s selfish of me to move him schools, as I knew years ago that I should have left. I want to keep something normal for him. Trauma bonding definitely makes sense and reading up on that helps. I think I may also have ptsd and I definitely have dissociated from people. I feel like this is all a bad dream.
24th June 2016 at 10:21 am #19973StarmoonParticipant
Hi lost girl. I’m glad you’ve posted. It’s the first step. I’ve been on here almost a year and everyone is amazing. Your situation sounds similar to mine. I have a small baby with my now ex. The abuse got worse and became more physical after she was born. The mental abuse was worse as I thought I was totally to blame but that’s what they want.
My ex and I went to a few sessions of relationship counseling but honestly there’s no point. Everyone on here told me not to Go. My ex is a charmer and convinced me in and after every session that he had taken in everything that was said, he said he was sorry and realized his mistakes… I realized some of my own (but non of us are perfect) I put huge work into positively encouraging him. The bath incident you mentioned. My ex was the same. Id be in the bath 30 seconds and if the baby cried he’d bring her up to me. On one occasion I snapped and told him he had no patience and all I wanted was 30 minutes to myself. That he should’ve tried to work out what our baby wanted and let me have a little time to myself. After our counseling session I came away feeling guilty for snapping and I thought I should be more positive in my approach… So I tip toed around him even more than usual and the next time something happened I tried saying ‘you’re a brilliant dad and would you mind having her while I had five minutes to myself’… His response was that he worked all day and that I had my priorities wrong. So basically with these men it doesn’t matter how we behave… They will say it’s wrong. Counseling tries to get you both to address how you approach things, see things and react to things which is brilliant with two normal people who have just lost their way, but not for an abuser. Someone told me a statement about being in an abusive relationship and it’s one I refer to often. ‘Being with an abusive man is like trying to fit into a box that’s always changing shape and size’.
My ex made me believe he was invested in counseling, he would scream in my face about how hard he was working at making the relationship work and say he was even going to counseling for me. I was tripping over myself trying all these new tactics but of course they would never work. And he even used the sessions as a tool. He’d be mr perfect and profess to totally understand the things we talked about… I’d feel so relieved after the sessions but within days I’d be in the same termoil with him and he’d threaten not to go to the next session… And did cancel a few times. He’d say he didn’t need to go because it was me that was the problem. All we do is give and they Hoover it all up.
I was lucky to have found a really good relationship counselor who could see things for what they were. If you do end up in counseling and you’re lucky enough to get a counselor who can recognize what’s happening- he or she will suggest you have separate sessions without each other present. This is a sure indicator. This is what our counselor suggested we did… I didn’t realize at the time why- I thought it was normal. We never went back to any more sessions because my partner refused. Of course he said I was the problem and it was me who needed help but in reality it was because he knew he couldn’t keep the act up and he knew I’d be convinced by the counselor of what was happening.
Sorry I’ve waffled on. I hope I haven’t hijacked your post too much it’s just when I first came here it helped to read that people related to me or I did them… Because then I felt that I was less the problem and that it really is him. My ex also denied it was abuse- of course he did. I don’t think any abusers ever admit what they are doing.
There’s books that have really really helped me see things- the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans and manipulated by h g Tudor.
Keep posting xxxx
24th June 2016 at 12:06 pm #19983AyannaParticipant
The fact that he is not really sorry for what he did proofs that he lacks insight and understanding of the impact of his own actions on you.
That is a typical abuser behavior and this will NEVER change, no matter how much counseling and perpetrator support he accepts, gets, takes, ….
A man who loves you will never ever hurt you. A man who loves you will be devastated when you are sad or injured.
I am glad you left.
You recognised how wrong his behavior is.
We often forgive and take them back in order to suffer more abuse.
Please do not take this man back!
You deserve a happy life free from any form of abuse.
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