Very worn down, advice needed please

[Alwayssmilingoutside20]

I have never really spoke to anyone properly about my relationship and feel as though it would be reassuring for me to get clarification if this is abuse and also speak to others in a similar situation. I know it’s probably not half as bad as what some brave women on here have gone through so hoping I don’t just sound like a moaner.
I have been with my partner for several years, we have 2 kids together. Over the years so much has happened I don’t know where to start with writing it down, it seems as if the strategies change but I am constantly being worn down, made unhappy and to feel like I’m crazy. He used to swear and call me names in front of the kids but has stopped that lately.
At the moment I am being used a slave, he does absolutely nothing around the house or for the children other than play computer games with my eldest, every snack, drink, nappy, dinner, bedtime, home school etc is done by me. He leaves his wrappers on the side, his snotty tissues lying around and even the dirty toilet brush in the bath for me to clean. At times I go to bed so late as I am running about tidying up. He will be in bed by (detail removed by moderator) and me not till midnight most days. He sees me struggling but never steps in and helps.
He says that being at home with the children should be a pleasure and it’s easy, I get to stay at home all day and do F all whilst he is working. He is very successful, does work hard and earns good money, I no longer have to work. He says I’m a housewife and should get on with my job. I should be appreciative to him for the life I have.
He refers to money as his “my money”, i don’t get much say in anything we spend the money on, he chooses everything…where we go, what we do, holidays, how we decorate the house. He also never transfers me the household money we need on time and I go overdrawn every month and have to beg for him to transfer it. I can work and when I offer to he says there’s no point, i don’t get paid enough for what it’s worth with childcare etc.
He spends all his time working or when he’s off the time he has indoors he spends working on the house. I think he does this as he does not want to be indoors with me and the kids helping and doing family stuff so he escapes doing things so he can’t help me. Then if I bring up that he’s never here he says it’s only to make our lives better to give us a nicer house.
He belittles everything I do and I’ve lost so much confidence in myself.
I don’t see him in the evenings at all , he says he speaks to me in the daytime but at night he wants to go to bed as he is so tired through work, he says I don’t want to talk to you at night, he has said before I’m boring and have nothing interesting to say.
I’m a very anxious person and he wont reassure me that he is taking precautions at work during covid 19 to keep us safe. I also sometimes have very panicky episodes especially at night and if I wake him up he swears and shouts at me even if I’m hyperventilating. He just goes back to sleep and leaves me to it.
He pushes me so far until I can’t take no more then starts being nice, saying he just wants an easy life and tries to start the day being nice but I just pick at him causing rows.
This is what I’m living with at the moment but there are other huge things in the past that he has done which I can’t forget. He has kept (detail removed by moderator) holidays with his friends secret and told me last minute that he is going. One he missed a family wedding for which was embarrassing for me having to explain he want coming last minute. Another we had just started work on our house; I was staying with family and he left me with a house with no roof and all our stuff in the house being rained on.
He regularly doesn’t speak to me for days if I try to stick up for myself.
I get told in a ‘jokey’ way that I’ve put on weight, dress poorly, look scruffy etc.
I could go on but this is the main of it.
I think he has a very n**********c personality. There is no physical violence.

I have thought about and made moves to leave him several times in the past and he just makes me doubt myself as he says I’m crazy and I’m the one who’s always picking at him and not being appreciative of his hard work and what he does for us. He also says he won’t let me leave and he certainly won’t leave as he wants to live with his kids and he wants them to have nice things, the same lifestyle they have now. Me leaving him will only hurt the kids and I should just carry on as we are. The kids do adore him and I don’t want to cause them any trauma by taking them away from their dad. But I can’t carry on any longer feeling such a lack of respect, love and self esteem.
I don’t know if it’s common but when he’s horrible I feel so angry inside as if I could walk out and never go back. But then an hour or so later all the anger and momentum goes and I just carry on as normal feeing defeated.
Any advice and help would be very welcome 💕 thank you.

[Cecile]

Your account is exactly what I endured in my marriage. By which I mean, abuse. have a look on line for the cycle of abuse and see if you think it applies to the behaviours that he demonstrates. Also, feeling emotionally and spiritually drained and exhausted is part of the abuse, it is what they do, these men. Like vampires fading off your good empathy and emotional stability. Leaving you and the children without a roof is profoundly neglectful.
Posting on her his probably the start of a journey for you and I know others will be able to advise you. I could post lots more but it can be an overwhelming process to begin with, all this finding out you are living with an abusive male. Like I say, look for the cycle of abuse online. You should come across a wheel diagram with sections detailing different behaviours that they perpetrate. See which bits apply to you. It can be transformational. keep posting. well done. The last thing I want to say is, this may sound odd to you, but you cannot help yourself or your children unless you put yourself first….

[Alwayssmilingoutside20]

Thank you Cecile for your advice 💜
I’ve had a look at the cycle of abuse and it definitely relates.
All I want is a nice stable happy family for my kids and myself, I’ve been doing whatever it takes and putting up with whatever I have to so that happens, but I know it never will.
Your very right I do feel overwhelmed and wish I was a stronger person as I feel so weak at the moment.
I’m going to start with getting some legal advice and go from there….
I’ve also kept record for a month of all the things that’s been happening. That’s been good as if I don’t write things down I forget by the next day what happened. I don’t see how I can forget some of the horrible things that are said and done but I do, my heads always in a muddle.
Have you left your marriage now? X*x

[Trueblue]

I can totally relate to this. You sound so happy on the outside like me. Just going along trying to make it all work, while they do nothing. I read something once about why they do it, it is because they get everything they want. They can be lazy and get us to do everything and they are so clever at it. If we then argue with them or say no, they either act nicely and do something in retaliation back or they just shout us down. Hope you are ok, you are not alone. You deserve much much better x*x

[Lottieblue]

Hello there,
Your situation is also very similar to my own, except you have acknowledged what is going on much earlier than I did. It’s only six months since I recognised that my husband’s treatment of me was abuse, and we have been married for multiple decades.

Coming on here was a Godsend to me. So many understanding people. I keep having to come back, and you must too, to remind myself of the advice that I’m given.

“Ducks in a row” is a phrase you will see often. This has been the main think that has kept me going. I know I have to leave but I also know it will be difficult. The thing I keep telling myself is that if I have my “ducks in a row” then I am in control.

When you are able, and it may be some time yet, go to your local Women’s Aid. They are so lovely and so welcoming. They will advise you of a solicitor who is experienced in DA cases. I urge you to see one. Even if it’s just for the initial consultation, do you know where you stand, as this will make you feel much stronger, and will also stand you in good stead should you decide to leave.

And also read “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. You will recognise your OH straight away.

Keep coming back. It really helps. X

[Dragon]

I could have written a lot of this.
I can relate. I don’t have much advice as I doubt myself as much as you do and also feel powerless to do anything about it. One minute I am convinced I want to leave, the next I am feeling horribly guilty for thinking it and completely doubting that anything is wrong.

I hope you’re ok x*x

[iliketea]

Cant relate to what you have written. Have written exact same posts, at the start of this journey. It has taken me a year and a half to understand, get help, and make the decision to get out, although I made that early on but the details held me back. Now in lockdown Im just in the “What will be will be” frame, I need to get out, there is a point where it turns, for you in your ability to cope with it, and for them when they feel the power and control slipping. Not going to overwhelm you, just wanted to send a lockdown hug and strength and keep posting here as it is the best place for support. Speak to your GP, school and nursery if you feel you can, log it with as many professionals as you feel able to, even call 101 police and ask for their advice. xx

[Alwayssmilingoutside20]

Thank you all for your kind replies 💜
It’s all come to a bit of a head just now, he’s really shouted at me because our youngest hasn’t had a nap and now he is overtired it is my fault we can’t eat our dinner in peace, I’m not even capable of putting him down for a nap or serve dinner as I’m useless etc etc. Sounds like petty things but I just can’t take it anymore, I’ve snapped and just need to get out ASAP, I won’t let my kids be around the shouting and sly comments anymore and see their mum in tears.
I know I’m going I just wanted to know the best way to get out? I want to go now but kids are going to bed. I was going to ask my parents if I can stay there?? I know they will comment about the isolation but I’m in a desperate situation and know if I don’t use the momentum I have now I could go on for months not doing anything.
I was going to call the rights of women place this evening but they aren’t open until tomorrow x*x

[Hazydayz]

Hello. I saw your last post after logging on this morning and just wanted to reply to you as it seems you needed some response at a time that was very difficult for you. I see that I am the first reply? I hope that your in a better place right now? Whether that be mentally or physically? I am very new on this site… only a few days in but I want to offer my support to you and say that I really understand your frustration and the unhappy situation your in. Feeling alone with it all at times when there’s no one to pluck you out of where you don’t want to be is awful isn’t it. The advice I have read offered by such genuine caring helpees is so very helpful and appreciated but I guess the frustration is that at very bad moments (aren’t they all) we just want it to STOP. All of it to vanish magically! Hopefully you were able to talk to your parents? or specialist advisors who help. Maybe to put plans into place and in time make changes needed for you? Wishing you good luck x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, i’ve read your post a few times, wondering how best to advise. In the thick of it, all we can think of escaping. In the cold light of day reality sets in and we go back to planning baby step by baby step. There’s nothing legally stopping you just and upping and going, it’s fear. Leaving terrified me, what he’d do, how would I manage financially. It’s like a series of events lead up to the day that you actually do walk away from the relationship. My mantra then was, don’t think just do. I use it still when I’ve to take other steps to distance myself from him. The fear of not knowing how to and what will happen is paralyzing, but you will get there. Have you anywhere you can go if you have to just leave in a hurry, have you a neighbour you could send your child(ren) to by using a safe word that they could then call the police. Talk to WA about a safe exit plan. It sounds like something out of a movie, but we are living in a warzone, many of us have or go on to have PTSD. Confide in your gp or health visitor. Boots chemist are now using their patients rooms as a safe place to ask for help. Do what you can or have to,to survive living there in the meantime. Turn off GPS on your phone,delete all history on your gadgets. Prepare for the worst and you’ll not be taken by surprise, start saving if possible and journal his behaviour. And if you can’t face doing anything, don’t. Its exhausting when the reality of who we Live with finally hits home.
Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power. I go to the oldest posts at times too, it helps. Just work my way backwards for a while.
You can get through this. These men totally underestimate just how strong we are. We’ve lived in a horrendous world for so long, that alone takes courage, huge amount of courage. Imagine a soldier doing his duty in a warzone, develops PTSD symptoms, the army look after him, mentally and emotionally. Sometimes they go back to that warzone, which triggers the PTSD all over again, they are then discharged not expected to return over and over again.
We may be a work in progress for years to come, we may not. Just work on the here and now, the future will take care of itself.
Best wishes IWMB 💞

[iliketea]

Such an amazing and spot on advice from IWMB. Also, I was just thinking, find a good solicitor who specialises in domestic abuse. Could start researching that now. If you want to leave but haven’t got your ducks in a row, maybe wait til tomorrow when they’ll be more news about easing the lockdown. Then possibly you could say you’re going to your parents for time out – so it doesn’t have to be a show-down situation. That will give you more power to plan your exit. But if you feel you are in danger of course, then go go go, don’t wait. You know him best, and his modus operandii, even if you feel you might not. We all get to know there specifics are are own situations.. I spoke to an agency during this time and they point blank told me not to wind him up. At first I was a bit annoyed as I don’t but what she meant was, don’t do anything that could get him riled, for me that’s doing certain random things that he doesn’t like.
Are you ok? What did you do? Keep posting as this is a very supportive group with lots of experience and very good non-judgemental advice. xx

[Escapee]

Hi,

Sounds like you’ve reached your limit – believe it or not this will be your strength.

There are options….just because he doesn’t physically abuse you, you are still very vulnerable, you can ask to go to a refuge.

Hopefully, there’s your parents you can turn to too.

I would advise you to speak with a DA support worker and tell your GP.

When I hit this point I felt like I was falling to pieces but my GP was amazing.

Are you able to get together all your important documents? Passports, birth certificates etc for you and your children?

My heart goes out to you. You could have been telling my story.

For validation and insight I can recommend Healing from hidden abuse (99p for the Kindle version) and Google the Freedom Programme (plus the Lundy Bancroft one already mentioned).

We’re here for you ❤️

[Rubymurray]

I hope you’re ok alwayssmiling20 xx

You are definately not ‘moaning’ lovely….

I am living much of what you say too. I wrote my first post recently also.

I’ll share what I’m struggling with currently. Now I’ve learnt legal aid is not granted if ‘I leave the home’ (even though we’re the victim/survivor & shared mortgage name on house, married) – I really want to do all I can for my young child and that currently includes us staying in the family home, I’ve found it more difficult to find somewhere to rent when i attempted searching due to currently being unemployed, child, etc. He is the main earner & would be so much easier for him to leave, but im learning ‘they rarely leave’ .
I’m so conscious of upheaving little one backwards n forwards different places in thd midst if all this, as well as other big things happening in life.

Am I really clutching at straws aiming to stay in the home?
I know he’ll refuse to go when I come to suggest it….I am totally worried about having that conversation which will then give him more info of what I am thinking and feeling, but I don’t particularly want to be left in that situation having to live under same roof & nothing’s changed regards living circumstances…

My health is quite battered down for one reason or another, I’m conscious I won’t cope & be strong enough for little one dealing with her needs.

I’m not sure if any of this could help filter some of your thoughts too…. let’s just hope we get out of this situation sooner rather than later.

x*x

[Rubymurray]

People talk of an occupational order to me & I read it a lot. My solicitor has confirmed they are rarely granted, so just when I thought this would be something to fall back on, apparently not, they said especially if it will make one of us homeless and also if it’s not violence….. this was very disheartening to hear.

I really need mine to go rather than me… but struggling to come up with the right safe plan…

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Rubymurray, I am in the same situation as yourself financially. The solicitor I spoke to said I did qualify for legal aid BUT when the house went up for sale they would carry out what’s called a ‘clawback’. That means they get the legal aid money reimbursed so to speak. I guess its like getting it on loan then when you have the funds, you pay it back. Maybe it’s something to do with living in different parts of the UK? Could you go into refuge accommodation, they’re not always shared accommodation. Ìm in a lovely 2bed flat, it’s so peaceful here. Doing that you could start to save up money fir whatever you want. You also don’t have to get divorced straight away you can get financial separation sorted instead. That way you are no longer tied to him financially. Ìm not sure if you have a WA support worker, but they have been invaluable for me. I didn’t have a clue how to fill out welfare forms, the thought of them sent me in a downward spiral.
Take care 💞💞

[iliketea]

So So sorry just realised my first reply to you said “Can’t relate”! I can, 100%! Sorry. must have seemed heartless. I can, are you ok? xx

[Alwayssmilingoutside20]

J ust logged on after a tough few days. Thank you all for your comments and advice, it really really helps. It’s quite overwhelming for me to see how kind and supportive you all are 🥺. I feel like I’ve finally found People who understand, other than my sister I don’t really tell anyone anything.

Hazydayz Your right, I just want everything to stop and for someone to pluck me and the kids out of here, i feel like I’d love someone to “save” me and do everything for me so that I never have to experience any of this again. But I know I’m the only one who can do the saving. I don’t feel strong enough to do it. He’s intelligent And the kind of person that things always go his way so I worry I’ll end up worse off for leaving.

IWMB thank you, the last week or so I’ve felt so exhausted, it’s like it’s really hit home what’s happening as I never truly believed it before, seeing that other people go through the same and most of the men who treat their partners this way are all pretty similar, I can see the patterns of behaviour now. Don’t think just do…I like that one.

I’m ok thank you Ilike tea 💜. Well after getting myself into a bit of a state that evening I woke up the next day and he started being very nice to me, like nothing had happened. For the first time since lockdown started last night he sat and spent the evening with me and had a proper conversation, he still just talks over me the whole time but it was still a bit of adult interaction for me. I knew that would happen as it always does, just as I get frantic and hightail it out of here he changes tactics and starts being nice. I don’t want to live in an unhappy atmosphere all the time so I just enjoy the peace while it lasts, and wait for the next upset. I am going to call rights of women on Friday when they are open during the day for some legal advice and go from there.

Thank you escapee. I spoke to my mum, I told her I didn’t want to be living here anymore, she is terrified of the lockdown and just said you have to stay where you are for now and wait and see…. thinking about it I don’t think it’s an option going there. I will get all documents together, I’ve been sorting the house and now know where the important stuff is kept.

Ruby Murray, I’m with you! I didn’t know that about legal aid, thank you for letting me know. I would love to stay in the home too but know that would absolutely not happen, he would never ever leave. Please look after yourself, build yourself back up health wise, you will cope and be strong enough 💪🏻 you’ve been coping living like this all this time.

[Sungirl]

Just read through your posts Almostsmilingoutside and your situation resonated with me. Just take each day at a time and you will start to feel stronger. I have only
Been on here for a few weeks and I am still struggling to accept my husband was abusive. I have asked him to leave twice before and then finally managed to separate again recently. It has been really tough and now he’s playing the perfect husband and Dad. Following advice on here I started keeping a diary to record things, and that’s been so helpful to remind me of his behaviour. He also wasn’t physically violent but very manipulative and controlling. Keep reading and making your plans and one day you will just decide that that will be the day. Also read and learn as much about their tactics and behaviour as then you will start to become stronger. Then once you’ve left you have to have minimal contact ( ideally none but I’ve found this hard with the kids), but try and not get sucked back in once they start playing their games. Good luck!

[Muddledmummy]

This is my first time posting on here. I am perpetually in a situation where I don’t know if this is abuse or not. Which seems to common. My husband tells me that I abuse him by not listening to him, or by answering a different question to the one he asked. His verbal aggression is beyond anything I have heard of. He has been physically violent but quickly blames me, and asks (detail removed by moderator).

I feel so isolated, so alone, he has told me that I have manipulated my friends and family to side with me by lying to them. I don’t really have any friends now, as I try not to speak to them in case I’m accused of lying to them again.

[Sungirl]

Hi muddledmummy. I have only been here myself for a few weeks but I’ve found it so helpful reading other people’s posts and have received some really great advice. I would suggest you try and call the helpline and speak to someone. I was and got referred to my local women’s aid and am speaking with a counsellor. Start to keep a diary ( you can do this online if you’re worried he might find it) of any incidents that happen and how you feel. This is helpful when you start to forget and doubt what happened. Verbal aggression is abuse and so is physical violence. My husband was never physically abusive but emotionally very manipulative e.g.gaslighting, ignoring me, projecting things he had done back onto me, as well as stopping me from seeing family. i didn’t even know about these different tactics they use. They are very good at twisting things and confusing you. Keep reading and posting on here, it will help you to get stronger.

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