Vicious cycle

[MammaBee]

I’m new to the forum and really unsure what to say or do right now. I don’t seem to be having a bad day, everyday right now is a bad day.

I’m currenlty going through a separation from my ex and have been for sometime now. People know we’re separating but I find it hard talking about the controlling side of his behaviour and the extent to which it reached. I have never considered myself as being abused but having been told things and trying to read up on similar situations I can somewhat acknowledge it’s been emotional abuse. I struggle with this daily and if I’m being honest he’s still controlling me. The feel worthless and I can’t seem to get away from him. He won’t agree to selling the house and the main cause right now is the children. He wants me to give them up, said I was unfit to look after them. If I don’t let them live with him then he would rather put them into care so they didn’t end up with me. My children are my life, I have always put their needs first. My working hours are based around the school day or as close as possible. I constantly question myself if I’m good enough and if I do enough for them. My ex never allowed me to go out with friends or have them over. Now that I’m trying to have a life he threatens me, he says I endanger our children by having ‘strangers’ around them. I feel I constantly need to justify myself to him, why do I do it???? I end up in tears everytime, he brings me down so much and I continue to let him do it. I just want out but sometimes I feel like I can’t let go. I’m scared to be on my own but I know I can’t go back. Why do I feel like this, I can’t stop crying.

I’m sorry for being so vague, I don’t know how much to say. I wish there was light at the end of the tunnel but right now I don’t know how to pick myself up to keep fighting.

[KIP.]

Hi there. Abusers home in on what they know is out worst fears and he knows it’s losing your children. My ex was the same. They are your children and he has no right to put them into a home. He’s saying this to control you. The same as ‘strangers’. What he really means is he wants to keep you isolated so others do not know about his abusive behaviour. You say you have been going through a separation for some time? Have you spoken to a solicitor. Do you know where you stand legally and financially or is your ex dragging it all out? My advice would be to seek legal advice and have zero contact with your ex. His emotional abuse is causing you great mental harm x

[MammaBee]

Thank you for your reply, this is all so new speaking to other people in similar situations. Our official separation through the solicitors has been going on for months. I’ve been advised not to worry about the children but it always gets to me. I keep in contact with my solicitor as often as I can to update him on what’s happening. My ex and I can’t agree on anything, I do think some of it comes down to money. I have read a bit about zero contact, how do I work that with him having access to the children? There seems to be no common ground, I feel it getting to me more these days. His last threat has scared me, I don’t think he would do anything but it’s done enough damage that I found it hard to go out. I managed work but it’s more an A to B which I can just about cope with. Anything other than that is a push, I just want to shut myself away from everyone. I hate feeling this way, I hate that he makes me feel this way. I always worry about the consequences of things which is why I’m too scared to admit things to my solicitor. As much as I want to fight and be strong the other emotions take over. Does that make sense?? x

[KIP.]

Yes it makes sense it’s the result of his abusive behaviour. but if you could tell your solicitor about the emotional abuse he could help you. Can a third party help with handover? If contact with children was pre agreed there would be no opportunity for him to abuse you further. There is also a contact book that goes with the children if communication is needed. The helpline number on here are great too. Work on no contact with him. Contact brings mind games, emotional abuse and confusion x

[Freedomfighter]

Hi MammaBee
Kip is right, you need to confide in your solicitor what is happening, your partner’s threats to take your children is a good way to bring it up. Women’s aid can advise you. My husband said the same, that I wasn’t mentally stable and shouldn’t be looking after our boys to keep me trapped
Don’t listen to his lies, threats and intimidation. He’s just trying to drag you down, confuse and control you. You need help to fight him, they play dirty. Tell your solicitor what he’s been saying. They can help you. Good luck, stay strong and keep posting

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