Victim-blaming

[Anonymous]

I’m absolutely stunned by the amount of victim-blaming I recieve from a family member. They’ve told me I make a poor choice in men, that I chose him and therefore should take responsibility for my choices etc.
I’ve been single for years now and have been working on myself so much, have had therapy, have worked on becoming more independent, learnt what my interests are, what my boundaries are etc. Part of this has been developing friendships with others.
I mentioned that I have a friend that has a family member who has severe mental illness. This family member then asked questioned about whether this was heritable, immediately called my friend a ‘n****r’ because they’re related to this person and then went on to claim that i just keeping choosing bad people.
To be clear, I disagree entirely that a mental illness makes a person a ‘n****r’, I said it was awful that they had said this.
I also do not agree with framing anyone as a bad person because of who they may be related to – that’s not fair on any individual.
But the comment that implied I had made a bad choice in friendship which therefore implied I still make bad choices, that hit a nerve because I’ve worked so hard to learn what red flags are to identify them and stay away. This friend has no red flags. I’ve began to feel more confident in my ability to identify red flags that I’ve began to feel ready to date again but a comment like this makes me feel like I haven’t made any progress at all and that, if I was to find a partner, everyone would just assume they’re abusive because I ‘chose’ them.

Anyone else experienced similar? What did you do? Any advice on dating welcome to, and any thoughts on this welcome
Thank you

[Anonymous]

Seen the word has been started so just wanted to say they didn’t say the n word, they used a synonym for ‘crazy’

[Lisa]

Hello MarchRose,

I’m sorry to hear of the victim blaming attitudes some people around you have, and how much it is affecting your recovery.

I can hear how difficult this must be, particularly as you have worked so hard to come to terms with your experience and have learned so much in terms red flags and healthy relationships.

It can be so hard to not let our families options impact us, naturally we care what they think and this can be really upsetting. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to educate people who don’t ‘get it’ or who hold onto misconceptions and stereotypes, this can be an exhausting job to take on.

I hope you do have somewhere safe to express yourself without fear of these types of responses. I hope the forum can be one option for this.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Ariadne]

Hi @MarchRose,

I have definitely heard similar terms by family members that have stuck in my mind. In my case, I know they don’t mean badly, but it still shows how they can’t really understand my situation. And they don’t really reflect on their own situation either.
I am sure a lot of other people on here have also heard similar gaslighting or hurtful things from others, and it either makes us minimise our own hurt or just feel more confused of how to make sense of our life.
Please stay strong and recognise that you are still on a healing journey, and you are taking care of yourself in the best way you know how. If others can support you throughout that journey, even better. But if they bring you down, then just carry on, because you got this.

[Ursad@sosad]

I’m sorry to hear of the victim blaming you have experienced. I have been victim blamed not only by almost my entire family but also by social services too. It is appalling how people have behaved towards me being a victim of crime. I am also currently a victim of crime from my own family. They said they are all very angry with me. Social services are also allowing all of this to happen without batting an eyelid.

[StrongLife]

Crazy is constant word used by abusers as it put blame on survivor. Really ridiculous- like they have nothing new to say. It’s clearly their fault and they are just attempting to cover tracks

[Author]

Posts