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    • #17373
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      So today I came across this article and it has really upset me. 90% of what I read I have experienced, the talk, the stories the forensic psychologists saying he just wants attention. I am infuriated and I feel a little sick because this was just a mother looking out for her son. I fought the system for my son for mostly the same kinds of behaviours. I tried to get him help and I hit barriers every step of the way.

      Here I am reading about a mother who sounds like she made many of the same excuses over the years but they are victim blaming her and I want to defend her because I get it. Not many people can or ever will but I do. AT what point do any of us know when someone is going to go too far. She probably thought he will never do it, it is just a boys fantasy that has got a bit warped. He killed her , he killed his mum. What makes one person who has these behaviours decide to take it that step further yet the next teenager keeps it as a fantasy. How do any of us know when enough is enough? Where do the psychotherapists etc get off blaming a victim for what happened to her when the reality is she would probably have not got very far even if she did try.

      http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/7151062/Copycat-Corrie-killer-Daniel-Bartlems-loving-mum-hid-teen-sons-warped-secrets-then-he-murdered-her-and-set-fire-to-her-body.html?CMP=spklr-_-Editorial-_-TWITTER-_-TheSunWoman-_-20160515-_-News-_-469873177-_-Imageandlink

      If link not allowed please delete x

      Sorry for the rambling post but this article really hit a nerve x

    • #17377
      Ayanna
      Participant

      I agree that the victim blaming is too much in this article.
      Had she been firm, he might have even killed her sooner, who knows.
      These type of boys cannot be cured. I had someone like this and was lucky that I could leave and he never found out where I was.
      The entire approach is wrong.

    • #17380
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      My experience is that as a young teenager the agencies will defend and make excuses for their behaviour and that includes domestic violence charities. I once contacted them re my sons behaviour when he was at his most violent and they didn’t want to know I was told that it was a teenager rebelling.

      As he has got older, he is still protected because his past gives him a free pass. Even if I reported half the stuff he does the sentence will never fit the damage that has been done. Then they wonder why we give up on all these people and manage alone. I read that story and thought I can completely identify with his mother, the difference being I gave the agencies more than one chance to help as a child and then again once he got to adult but they are too busy passing the buck and blaming each other when things went wrong.

      Her death could have been prevented because there is no doubt in my mind that other people knew what was going on and did nothing, which is exactly what society does now it turns a blind eye so long as you are not bothering them. Why blame her what about everyone else who knew and did nothing!!!

    • #17393
      Suntree
      Participant

      It’s always easier to blame the victim. People are basically lazy and will take the easy option. 🙁
      Sending you hugs

    • #17406
      godschild
      Participant

      What an awful article , shifting the blame to her, does it make you afraid reading this, sending hugs to you x*x

      • #17414
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Hi, I remember it the first time round when my son was at his worst with the fires, knives etc. When she died people kept sending me the articles and telling me to kick him out because of the similarities. Here I am x amount of years on and I am still here his violence is not so bad but the rest of it still goes on and it is pretty disturbing. She died in the same way that mine has fantasied killing me minus the torture aspect, she was killed while sleeping he would like me awake and for it to be a slow process.Hence why I never sleep when he is awake. I guess it hit a nerve and sent a shudder reading it again after all these years. It is weird when you learn to shut a lot of it out but then something like that comes along and it hits home. I am not sure mine has got it in him, he disturbs me a lot but there is that in the back of my head that says he will never do it. x

    • #17422
      godschild
      Participant

      I can imagine that it sent a shudder through you, how has your weekend been xx

      • #17426
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        It has been ok, one not too bad outburst and a present outside my bedroom door, but I know they are to send my mind into overdrive. I removed them and didn’t say a word so he got no response. How about you are your home is he still being good x

    • #17429
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Hmmmm I’m not sure how this works. I don’t have children but I’m in the opposite situation.

      Everyone tells me I should sacrifice myself for my parents because they are my parents. I consider my parents dangerous to my life and well being so I prefer the limited contact with them.

      We are all adults here and my parents are very able bodied not infirmed at all. Of course I want them protected but I don’t want to sacrifice myself to them.

      Abusers come in all shapes and forms. My husband and my father both threaten to kill me and attempted some GBH which might have lead to my death. If I had a son and he threatened that then I would seek to protect myself also. I mean lots of people suffer abuse from their carers and other members of their family. the natural instinct is to feel that you have to remain in contact with these abusers but in the end they “get you”. Never a good thing. Is it right that we sacrifice ourselves for our abusers? If the authorities won’t help, it seems left to victims to get themselves out of the abusive situation.

      I would be very very afraid. On one hand it’s not the victims fault obviously because they think they are doing the right thing.

      My approach to abusers and toxic people is too avoid them as much as possible whether separated by thicker blood or water.

      It’s wrong to have murder fantasies.

      • #17439
        godschild
        Participant

        Glad you ignored it he is trying to scare you. Yes home now he is in a strange mood today but im holding my own xx

      • #17441
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Good on you godschild, sometimes the best response is no response xx

      • #17440
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Hi Sahara D, I think abuse by a family member is very misunderstood. I grew up feeling like if I was not there my parents would never notice. I loved them but they were very selfish and a bit too slap happy for my liking. So when I had my children I wanted to do things differently and that was to make them feel like they mattered, that I would never turn my back on them and it worked on the most part they grew up responsible and nice kids. The thing is with this particular son is that no matter how much you give him he wants more, he wants all your attention, your money, your time, your effort, your fear even. For a long time I thought if I proved I would not walk away he would let up, he never did. He enjoys things that turn my stomach what went wrong I will never know but sometimes I think people are just wired wrong.

        I think your attitude is a good and healthy one and the fact you were able to walk away a very brave and wise move. I am a glutton for punishment holding in there for something to change and not really sure it ever will. I teeter between wanting him gone to wanting to protect him from his own behaviour, yes even when that puts me in the firing line and frightens me to death.

    • #17445
      Sologrl
      Participant

      I think being a Mum to an abusive child is the hardest thing I have had to get my head round. I have had NC with my eldest son in two years for things he has done. I watched him change from a lovely little boy to a very dark teenager who would light fires in the house, abuse the dog, steal cars, rob shops, take drugs every day and I waited…hoping he would come out the other side which he never did. I got therapists who told me he had ADHD and oppositional defiant disorder. Special school….nothing worked. Today he is an active violent pedophile and extremely abusive and manipulative one at that. I think it took me too long to go. I honestly believe that if I had said enough much much sooner perhaps he would have been helped but definately I and my other children would have suffered much less. but hindsight is 20/20 isnt it and when a parent stays because they can fix the abusive child it is not much different than saying we can fix our other abusers when we stay. It is just very hard as a Mum to live with the guilt of saying I quit here.

      • #17455
        Anonymous
        Inactive

        Hi Sologrl, I think going no contact is an extremely brave move. Mine has been diagnosed with conduct disorder and numerous other things that all relate to anti social behaviour. . Mine is a loveable rogue everyone loves him, his behaviours tend to be targeted at me and more recently I have noticed manipulation with his gf anyone else he manipulates is on a much smaller scale but I guess its cos he is round us most. I think sometimes it would be easier to make the decision if he was permanently nasty but its the constant flip between personalities that has me doubting my decisions. Everytime I think this is it, he goes back to being nice/childlike and I back down. Cruelty to animals is another thing I absolutely hate and he is never left alone with my animals. Although he leaves the other kids alone they also are not left alone with him from past experience it can go from 0 to crisis point in seconds if he is not kept an eye on. He is very well known where we live and has his hands in many pies so to speak none of them legal. Did you leave or did you ask him to leave?

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