Victim.

[nbumblebee]

I saw my counsellor today after whats been a tough week. Admitting to an eating disorder which still doesnt seem right I cant get my head around it. I eat I do but I limit myself I am very strict and i weight daily its about feeling hungry for me I see it as a punishment but never did i believe it was an eating disorder,Ive also opened up more about my past abuse and my a******e husband opening up a little more is so hard I think the thought of seeing my 2 abusers in a few weeks time has actually helped me talk more.
She said that I have got to start to be kinder to myself to admit that I am a victim that I am not to blame for any of what has happened to me.
She said until I admit and accept that I am a victim I wont be able to heal to get stronger and if I cant get stronger I guess I will never even be able to think about leaving my husband.
I dont want to be a victim I dont.
I dont know to heal to accept to believe.
I dont know if I want to Im scared.

[Darknessallaround]

The label victim always seems to have negative connotations (helpless) and no one wants to think of themselves as a victim. Perhaps it might help to reframe it as having had something bad happen to you which was not your fault.
Replace the word victim with survivor, because that’s what you, and everyone here is.

[nbumblebee]

Thank you darkness I dont feel like a survivor either I just feel stuck inbetween the two.
I think its more about maybe accepting what im going through and been through maybe more than the word??? I dont know xxxxxx

[Bananaboat]

Hmm. That doesn’t sit comfortably with me. You don’t have to admit to a label and I wonder if her asking you to do so is actually triggering a response in you in itself. I’d suggest a better way of phrasing it is that you don’t deserve the treatment you’ve received from all these people and that you are allowed to do things that make YOU happy, and perhaps more importantly you are allowed to be sad. Being in these type of relationships be it romantic partners or family relationships often takes away our right to be upset, sad, angry and that’s when our bodies & minds can act out in other ways.x

[nbumblebee]

Thanks so much it didnt sit right with me either I think i get what she was trying to do to get me to admit but that word victim and tbe word abise i just find too hard to use. Xxxx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi nbumblebee

I think its just the words she’s using, and its important that you give her the words that sit best for you.

I do get where you’re at in terms of not wanting to admit you’ve been the victim in this, as in, the person who was abused.

We survive by brushing all that aside and deflecting whats really going on becauseits too painful, or shameful, or guilting, or something, and its such a common affliction amongst abused women to carry these burdens of feeling stupid, or ashamed, or one of the many harms and scars it leaves, but part of healing is the full realisation and acceptance of whats happened. Its not going to happen in one short spell though, it can take time and you both need to give yourself that time, of the full realisation of what you’ve suffered, take it slowly slowly, take some weeks off even, if you need to, but prioritise your own needs first and your own pace of recovery.

You have survived, yes, you are a survivor of this, but you’ve also been his victim, and it doesn’t mean anything other than you are the one he perpetrated his crimes against.

warmest wishes

ts

[nbumblebee]

Yeah you are so right i am so grateful for your reply. I panic and worry more about admitting about facing the truth than I do the actual truth if that makes sense? My head is such a huge mess at the moment Its hard to understand how and what i feel. But you are so right its just words.
I love that thank you xxxxxxx

[Twisted Sister]

that sense of ‘knowing’ whats happened, and actually speaking it out loud are worlds apart. Its really not the same thing.

Maybe if you look around and realise that all of us have been victims of perpetrators, AND survived it/been survivors through it. Surviving is the mechanism we use to cope with harm against us, we go into a mode called survival, which causes us to adopt ways of behaving and thinking, coping mechanisms, and one of the strongest one can be to block out, or refuse to aceept/speak about the abuses. Some things we know are there, but if we’re not ready to talk about them, then noone should push us to.

Just be sure you really are ready to face your perpetrators, it can do untold harm if it doesn’t work out, and remember, you will never ‘win’ against a perp, you can only manage yourself and keep yourself well. Be sure to keep lots of support around you x

warmest wishes

ts

[nbumblebee]

Thank you. Know what I really have no clue what I am doing apart from my counsellor i only have you guys for support i face this on my own.
I know it could make me worse I know that but there is a chance that maybe it could help. Im a mess I self harm I punish myself by not eating I am a total screw up so my thinking is it cant get much worse right? I really want to start to believe and start to be kind to myself i really do want to start to live a life I want too live I do So I am hoping this could maybe be the start I need seeing them facing them may just give me the push i really need. Xx

[Hawthorn]

Hi nbumblebee,
Just wanted to send you a big hug, it’s so difficult to face what you are- but you are facing it and dealing with it all, step by step and at the pace that’s right for you.

Personally I found it painful, but liberating to briefly take on the label of “victim”, I needed to take that step before I could take on the “survivor” label. All these words are are just that, words and labels, but I had blamed myself for the abuse for so long that taking on the “victim” label allowed me to place the blame and shame where it belonged-with the perpetrator of the abuse,my now ex-husband, and not with me.

I don’t label myself at all anymore, not as a victim, not as a survivor, not even a thrives. I’m just me. I am not what he did to me.

In relation to facing abusers from your past in the future; a very dear supporter of mine after I escaped the abuse advised me to always ask myself, before doing anything, “Is this the kindest option for me?”before doing it. Not the bravest option, not the smartest option, not what I think I “should” do. The kindest option. Is facing your abusers the kindest option you have?

Sending you a big hug. You can, and are, doing this. Be very kind to yourself, you deserve it xxxx

[nbumblebee]

@Hawthorn Thank you so much you really do make sense thats just how i feel. I blame myself for everything because why did i allow this to happen again to me? Why did i allow men to use hurt and abuse me surely I must deserve it thats how I feel. Im not a victim a victim doesnt deserve abuse I did.
Im not sure facing them is the kindest option reminding myself is really making life hard Im worried about yheir smell their voices just being close to them and not having anyone to run too for safety my husband will love to wind me up nkt support me he doesnt know of course but he knows i dont get on with them, he wont make it easy either. All I know is that I have to go. My mum would never forgive me if I didnt and I think Id never forgive myself if I didnt.
Is it the right choice No, I dont think it is but Its the choice ive made. Thank you so so much for your comments sending you a hug xxxxxxx

[Twisted Sister]

you have to do what you feel is right for you. xx Prepare yourself well, very well, so that you put in place any protections you need to feel safe. Have a backup plan, so if you start to feel uneasy in any way make sure you can make an easy exit or have someone to fall back on that can support you, even if its via a phonecall.

You’re not a total screw up, no way, you have been harmed and need to feel safe. The only thing that has resulted in your behaviours is the abnormal behaviours of others, and being around them again can be extremely triggering, so be prepared that if you go through with this, you will know ahead of time that this could be the outcome, and have a plan to help yourself to manage it.

I am hoping that this goes well for you

warmest wishes

ts

[Anonymous]

Nbumblebee you don’t have to face them, I will never face any of my predators again, you don’t have to see them to prove anything, this is your life your decisions, only ever do what you feel comfortable with and yes I’m agreeing with above the term victim does have a negative feel to it (fear/vulnerability) but it’s just a term that’s used for people who’ve been violated in some form, you can get your power back and make decisions for you instead of what other people want/expect of you (there is a strength there , you’ve proved it by staying in your job)
💛🤗💛

[nbumblebee]

@Auriel Ive decided im going to the party and i will face them. Its something I think I have to do to maybe try and see believe and understand I have got to get passed this somehow so I can then stop looking back and start looking to the now and facing my husband and my life now.
Maybe its time to stop trying to hide away in shame ive been trying to make myself dissapear for years maybe its time now to be seen.
Im scared ive never been this scared of facing anything but I think its for the best. Its not yet but its soon so i still have time to change my mind but I doubt I will.
Thank you for your words they mean the world x

[Anonymous]

Well done hun😗 remember filth needs to stay on the floor where it belongs, these people are weak and you turned out better than good 💖🍫💖

[nbumblebee]

Ahh wow thank you so much. Love this x

[Hazydayz]

Hello nbumblebee. I’ve read your thread and am feeling for you, you have my sympathy and support. I can only imagine what you are going through. I see that you are determined to face your fears and if I understand? stand tall against your abusers. I applaud your wanting to do this if you believe it will help you. It’s a very brave thing you are going to do, I am just wondering…? Do you have the strength to confront them and expose in front of everyone, what they did to you? The whole of me is shouting…if this is possible?…what an opportunity you have, this is your chance to free yourself of a lot of your pain maybe? Get so much more support hopefully? What they did to you is wrong and they got away with it upto now. Have you reported to police? Could you? I wish you luck, whatever your decision, to go or not? Sending you much love and strength. Hazy💕

[nbumblebee]

No theres no way id confront them. I reported my brother when i was 14 and back then it was brushed under the carpet by social services by my parents it was never spoken of again and still isnt sadly they took his side and saw mw as an attention seeker a bad apple this is why when i was hounded and hurt and finally raped by another family member not one other person knew or knows.
Id never tell or confront.
This is for me i need to stop blaming myself I need to face the past open up about it and heal from it then I hope this in turn will help me face things in my marriage. I have no idea if it will work if i will be strong enough but I think if I dont try I will regret it.
Thank you so much for your support means the world xxxxxxx

[Hazydayz]

Oh nbumblebee it’s heart breaking to read what you went through. I want to share with you… My husband was sexually abused by his dads cousin from age 9 to 12. When he plucked up the courage to shout it out, his mother accused him of lying. He was never listened to. He had to deal with it himself too. So, he mustered up all his courage and turned his anger on his abuser, the abuse stopped and he gave up on his mum, his dad never found out. He gave up on his parents then. He never told anyone again until he told me. I hope you will find your way through all your going through. Sending much love to you💕

[nbumblebee]

Thank you for sharing with me.
I have just over a week to go to get myself prepared I am hoping It will help me I really am because i cant and dont want to go on like this anymore. Big hugs and Thank you. I hope you are safe and well yourself sweetie look after you x

[Hazydayz]

Morning nbumblebee, I hope your feeling the sunshine on you this morning. Today the calendar turns to a new begining, I hope it’s everything you want it to be, very soon☀️🌻🏡💕

[Author]

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