Violent child after contact?

[Racoon]

When (removed by moderator) child returns from contact. I am often physically assaulted. This is usually immediately after handover by an independent 3rd party.

I strongly believe there’s a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation happening during contact and I have some evidence to support this.

This behaviour rarely occurs at any other time and certainly never to the extent it occurs immediately after contact.

There also seems to be massively exaggerated at times when I have angered my former partner in some way through solicitors etc.

There’s a lot more to it but it’s so difficult to explain without saying too much on here.

Has anyone out there had the same? How did you manage it? What do I do? The child is so young and not able to effectively communicate about what’s going on and completely shuts down about contact time.

Please help contact is due to increase soon and I’m really worried!

[White Rose]

This must be hard.
I have no personal experience to fall back on as my daughter was much much older. Here’s some ideas
Is your child tired or hungry or thirsty when they get home? If they might be perhaps tackle this first?
Are you tense around this time? If so they’ll pick up on it.
Do they come home to a “busy time” e.g. straight into tea/bath/bed? If so do they need a bit if quiet time with tv or book or colouring instead? or just a cuddle.
If they’re being naughty then they need to know it and that them being physical towards you is making you sad and its not acceptable.
These are things that might help in any situation e.g. coming back from sleep over or holiday at grandparents but you’ve got the added worry of child contact with abuser.
Log events – what’s said how child is and be advised maybe by health visitor or even local women’s aid team how best to deal with it. Can someone else see this behaviour too to back you up?
Is contact via a court order? If so take advice about how to feed back the change in your chold and how it seems to be affecting child.
You say contact coming up soon. Be up beat about it. Discuss what your child may do with Dad if they are old enough and make sure they believe the contact is ok (even though you’d prefer to stop it!) That way you’ll be less likely to show your tension to them.
Take care and try not to worry x*x

[EeyoreNoMore]

Not sure if this is any help but when mine comes back I try and do a favourite food and let them have as much time and space as they need. No pressure and no questions.

[Racoon]

I do go out of my way to make it a really positive handover process each way. E.g upbeat and positive. There is no problem when I come to handover. I have ensured that I reinforce that it’s a positive exciting time. On the other end when I’m collecting there’s the problem. My ex thrives on seeing our child distressed when parting from him. He will go to great lenghths to ensure that it’s seen that child doesn’t want to leave Daddy, and will verbally reinforce this by saying “I know you don’t want to go baby but I’m sorry you have to!”
When we get home I make it a nice calming fun time relaxed snacks and wind down. I may ask little questions such as have you eaten. Are you hungry. I usually get no reply.
I don’t usually ask questions unless necessary. My child is a really good communicator in general but does not choose to speak about time with Dad at all.
If I address anything with him if fuels the fire and he would either become worse or try another abusive tactic.
It’s so frustrating…….

[White Rose]

Eeyore has a mthod that works for her – maybe try kf youre not doing already. Would it help to ask child what he’d like to do on “x”day when he’s come home from dads, if you get blank looks and he’s old enough you could gently suggest that he seems a bit grumpy and cross when he gets home and you wondered if you could do something to make it better.
You never know he may be exactly the same with dad at start of visit. Is there anyone independent supervising who could feed back?
I suspect your child just needs some down time and some way to show emotions he’s feeling after contact and at the moment you’re his let out – just don’t let him get away with bad behaviour though.
Another thought you said 3rd person handover, if “hand over. ” is it literally that he’s handed from someone’s arms to you? If so get them to allow him to walk to you and you allow him to walk in the house – get the person to do the same as he leaves his dad. That way he’s coming away from dads and going into your home indeoendently hes not being handed over like a package.
That slight distancing of body contact might help.
Hope it gets better for both both yoh xx

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

MY child wasnt violent after but would be very mood and upet, i used to lt my son have his space , we agreed that when he gets back i leave him aloane, its a very emotional tiem for them as they try to work things out in their head

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