Violent thoughts

[HopeLifeJoy]

I’ve been back to work this week and I am overwhelmed, exhausted and having violent thoughts against my new friends. Because I didn’t pick up the phone when they were calling, they told me they were worried and would have come around my house if I didn’t call back. This sounds not caring at all to me but very threatening, controlling and possessive. I handled the call decently and diplomatically and even kindly, so I am safe and well. The matter is closed.

But my thoughts are not closed. They continued spiralling down 24h straight, having violent thoughts. I imagined all possible scenarios showing them ‘don’t you threaten me’ sending my strong (ex hooligan) brother along, calling the police and reporting them for harassment, talking to their friends, to my manager and the immigration office. It’s completely crazy, paranoid and irrational.

It isn’t the first time I have violent thoughts. It doesn’t even matter who it is. As soon as I feel threatened my mind goes on overdrive and is invaded with all possible ways to get rid of that person. I also had most violent nightmares about a small (detail removed by Moderator) year old boy from (detail removed by Moderator) who had very aggressive temper tantrums reminding me strongly of my abusive ex. This was months ago and I avoided him, (detail removed by Moderator) wouldn’t be in the same room as him. A (detail removed by Moderator) year old 😳 …i’ve been able to process it and recognise and separate the trigger from that little boy and am able to deal with him and his tantrums very well now. No more violent nightmares either.

It seems that when I’ve processed one issue, the next one is coming. I have no rest. I’m such a mess. I’m damaged goods. Thank goodness no-one can look inside my mind.
I’m having a terrible day 😪 Sorry for the rant.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi HLJ, it is absolutely irrational isn’t it. My daughter says ive no sense of humour, no I haven’t, not when I’m the brunt or see others being the brunt of others humour. Any type of concern with real or perceived threats trigger our responses. PTSD or even cPTSD😔its no wonder going back rarely works, our reactive response doesn’t just go away. I remember your problem with that little one, so glad you’ve been able to fix it it in yourself. We do get there eventually, it’s just virtually impossible to see when or even how.
All we can do is endure and continue to heal.
Much love IWMB 💞💞

[KIP.]

I went through this stage of recovery. I was extremely defensive and paranoid like you my thoughts would run away and not go away. For me it all settled down. Now sure if you’re having counselling. I would get angry and obsessed with the wording people used. It would be an innocent phrase and I’d go loopy. Try to distract your completely with yoga or mindfulness or some positive mantras.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Thank you for your replies 😌
I will have to go see my GP. I can’t handle all this on my own. It’s too much 😔 pls tell me when does it stop? I am not lazy I do the work but I need to see the light at the end of the tunnel to keep me motivated, an aim to reach. It seems never ending. There is no light at the end, just light bubbles, giving the illusion it’s over, until the next trigger. It’s like having a full time job dealing with just triggers. Whatever I am doing doesn’t work for me.
I have no counseling atm no, perhaps I need to start again.
My defensiveness is so very extreme it’s becoming aggressive 😔 i don’t want to become an abusive person.
I will try the relaxing guided meditation. Thank you

[diymum@1]

Hi HLJ –

I think this is a normal part off the process. When I felt I couldn’t get away from a form of any abuse even very mild signs. I would imagine senarios too. Violent ones. I felt guilty and new it was out of character but this is your survival instincts we are human ! 😘I’m glad you broached this subject because I’m reading a lot again. I’ve discover Erin Pizzey she opened the first ever refuge. Very inspiring lady and VERY intellectual! But she says it’s a myth to say that DV is gender bias. She says it’s generational and Everyone can be violent. What she is saying is very controversial. I can’t get my head round it I think she means this is a human problem. But I’m left thinking am I violent or did he invoke this in me. Hope no one takes offence you’d have to read her stuff on this. It’s put a different spin on domestic abuse for me but has confused me abit. I do think it’s good to look at domestic abuse objectively. As long as we are able to pick out who is and isn’t being respectful! I’m worried now I have adopted a very extreme feminist view of dv? Have I ? Xx

[diymum@1]

HLJ I think this is such a brave and honest post xx this forum will never judge you only try to guide you 💕💪I’m grateful to your amazing insight. Don’t be hard on yourself keep exploring this XX I do not think for one minute I are abusive xx we all have multiple facets that’s all and coping mechanisms

[HopeLifeJoy]

Thank you for your kind words DIY 😌
it’s reassuring to hear it’s normal. Just wish it to be gone already. It’s such long process. I can’t make life plans like this. Either depression kicks in or now I am not depressed then such triggers take over. There is always something 😓😩 sorry to sound so self pitiful.

Yes that’s interesting; extreme defensiveness as coping mechanism…an unhealthy one, it isn’t working nor efficient.
I am attempting to read ANYTHING but DA literature. It is too much. I was about to start a course about potable water 🤓 then I was called back to work so this project is postponed for now.
I will look at Erin Pizzey another time. Having feminist views are by definition seeking equal rights to men so I see nothing wrong with that. 🙂
But I agree respect is an essential criteria in any interaction. I believe as long as respect is present there isn’t any space for abusive behaviour. (Sourced from the book Why does he do that?)

I do feel a little better, thank you kindly my lovelies 😌😘

[Escapee]

Hi HLJ,

Im so sorry to hear that you are having to cope with yet another aftermath of the abuse.

I do wonder if experience this feeling of anger and violence to such an extreme because we needed to suppress it so much within the relationship.

I’m like a prickly cactus now and should come with a warning.

I can’t give any better advice than what’s all ready on here except maybe find a safe place and scream all the anger out.

Sending you love and hugs always xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Thank you Escapee, it’s a good question, I wouldn’t know…is it due to suppression or defense mechanism? Both? It’s difficult to say. I think this question would need a professional answer 🙂
Lol I wish I was a cactus, so no-one would come near me.

[diymum@1]

If you think about we have been wronged put through the ringer. We’re not going to put our selves through this again and certainly not from someone who is not their significant other. I tolerated him because that’s how I saw him. We do bite our tongue but now you don’t have to it all comes gushing out. We have to release our emotions your not acting on it remember. I think this is you releasing theses feelings and remember this too shall pass my darling 😘💕

[HopeLifeJoy]

Thank you DIY 💕😌
I can’t wait for the swimming pools to reopen to let out my energy in a healthy way. Otherwise I am just going to start writing thrillers, crime and detective novels, inspiration isn’t lacking 🙃
No more abuse. From no-one. I can’t stand it. I’ve developed an aversion against it.

[fizzylem]

Hi HLJ, sorry to read you’ve been struggling flower. Yes agree with above, v natural after abuse and trauma to feel this way and for this to happen. Your friends were concerned hey but any attention is uncomfortable and unwelcomed, especially when it feels like an attack.

You are not damaged goods. You have grown so much from this dreadful experience already – so much.

The way I see it is that you are getting more skilled at recognising this, seperating the thoughts and emotions and sending those that belong in the past back there. It is not a never ending cycle, incidents like this become less often and extreme, fade and come to an end. Youre aiming to get into a position where when they do occur you become quicker at processing what it is – to restore peace and balance. It sounds to me like you are doing a pretty good job in emotional processing here.

Just a wild guess here, from only the few things you have said, so I may be wrong, perhaps this is less unprocessed trauma and more unprocessed anger? Have a think about that, only you will know if this seems to fit with how you are feeling. I mention this because it could be something or nothing? Wondering if what is holding you back is letting go of the anger here? Perhaps if you could do this the violent thoughts wouldn’t return? You could discuss with the Samaritians to see if they could help you process it a bit more instead of waiting for therapy. Just my thoughts. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Big hugs lady x*x

[diymum@1]

This is it you want take any s**t xx not ever again x 🥰

[Iwantmeback]

You might have something there @Fizzylem. Fir years we’ve suppressed our emotions, not been allowed to be angry, now it’s safer to do so, so we do. There’s a lady I know, was with her abuser for decades(not me,honest) anyway, she’s so angry with everybody, noone will ever speak to her in this way again, she tells people what she thinks, she bullies them, she gets then into trouble. She’s become an abuser herself but without help she’s not seeing it, just sees she won’t let anyone treat her that way again, she has no filter.
It’s healthier to be allowed to be angry, WE jyst have to find a healthy way in which to direct it, that’s all. I know you’ll find that way @HLJ, don’t be too hard on yourself.
💞💞

[fizzylem]

Had another thought, lots of stuff on youtube regarding ‘taking things personally’ – might be worth a search and a look x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Thank you Fizzy love for your reply. It was a relief reading your reassuring words, I am very grateful to you.💕

I have had difficult few days, overwhelmed by work, my thoughts and the usual daily duties. My head almost exploded 😓 didn’t feel able to cope, i had to focus on just breathing, telling myself I am safe, praying the universe to keep me safe.

I have been able to connect the dots to my fright, to have felt so very threatened by them wanting to come around. It brought back in full blow the incident with my harassing sister, she too wanted to show me her ‘concern’ with her and her husband banging on my door calling me the devil which only stopped once I called the police.

I met again with my friend and I have been very wrong about her intentions. I found out she’s someone who’s dramatically worried about people she cares about. E.g. she told me about an incident; her very young daughter (detail removed by moderator). The daughter hasn’t cried nor screamed during the entire time. Only the mother was a wreck. Now she is ashamed because of her public scene. So there. I understand now she is an overly worried person and tend to be a little dramatic. But she is no actual danger to me, I can put down my weapons 🙂

I think the tide turned. Since the past few months when I feel threatened I am no longer on the receiving end of attacks (through nightmares or thoughts) no, i have become the attacker. Now the transition has gone from one extreme to the other of course, somehow all this aggression need to be recalibrated into assertiveness. Taking in a deep breath, I am going to be fine aren’t i. 🙂

Lots of love to everyone 😘😘💕🌸🌿

[starqueen]

Hi HLJ this is a really brave post and I’m glad you’ve been able to deal with some of your triggers. Do you think it might help to write out how you feel? I’m wondering if that would help you get these feelings out and process them. I feel like I’m only just being able to connect with my anger in some ways although I used to feel absolute rage towards my family abuser, and sometimes I used to think about doing violent things. I think it’s a reaction to feeling so powerless, we don’t want to be in that position again. I experience it less with other people but I think because I’ve grown up people-pleasing and putting myself last it’s going to take me a long time to learn to assert myself.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Thank you Starqueen. Yes writing always helps me enormously to sort out my thoughts. I understand a little better what’s happening to my brain.
I no longer go into freeze or flight mode when feeling threatened no, instead I go into fight mode. 💪
That is brand new to me. That must be good news.
Perhaps when my brain has done the round of all the freeze/flight/fight modes, I no longer will suffer from threats and triggers.
I truly can’t wait when it’s over because it is taking away so much energy, leaving me utterly exhausted. Physically just out.

How are you doing?
Asserting one self is a lot of work, i think you’ll have to get to know yourself first then it gets easier. Work in progress 🙂

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