Visit from the social worker

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

We had the social worker coming to see my son. I spoke to him and told him what happened this weekend and how my husband behaved. I explained about the texts I receive from him too and how he banged doors, threw things in the living room etc. I told him he tapes me so I now speak in my native language to him. This really annoys him. The social worker seemed amazed that my husband tapes me. I personally believe that if you have to resort to actions like that, there must be something seriously wrong with you unless it is for protection and a real reason. Anyway, my husband has been recording things for a long time, I found out, and uses this information which he has been editing too. How handy for him, how conniving and devious and…bizarre.
Anyway, he then saw my son and spoke to him. I had explained his loss of appetite today and how we have sorted his latest upset to do with his exams results etc and the goal we have set to earn some pocket money to buy x.
He took note of all this and will see how they move the case forward.
I saw my counsellor and I asked her to speak about the actual abuse next week. We spoke about long term counselling (her suggestion) as she thinks I will one day let go of my suppressed emotions and they will all ooze out to cause terrible upset for the loss of precious years and the loss of all my personal goals which I had in my younger years etc. The loss of a normal family life and the terrible consequences on all of us is bound to emerge to grip me tightly in my throat and cause upset, which maybe I fight back by staying put. Better the devil you know…
I felt unwell during the counselling, light headed, gasping, just not well at times. I didn’t say a word about how I felt, breathing calmly to suppress my physical symptoms.
The counsellor is really good. I am pleased to go even though everything we talk about is random at first. So much to say…It must be exhausting to hear people like me…I would not want her job!
I asked my daughter if she wanted me to stay, she said no, she doesn’t want me to stay married. She then went to see her boyfriend as planned. We will share our late evening ”tradition” later on when she returns, our lovely cuppa!
Where there is tea, there is hope, it never fails to bring a smile on my face.
The counsellor asked me who I am when I am not his wife…bubbly, effervescent, joyful, vibrant, curious, interested in plenty of things, eclectic in taste, colourful, loving, charming, happy, friendly, full of hopes and goals.
She still carries on saying she is amazed at my resilience and my self control and methods to stay calm and regain clarity and peace after bad events with him. She says I smile so much but deep down it is a front. I shrug my shoulders and I smile, I even laugh.
She fears for my safety and admitted it. Oh well here I am again writing stuff I don’t think reflect the real me and my real situation, everyone fears for me, I don’t and that is precisely what she carries on insisting on, my safety, because of what I describe, and today for example, was his eyes at one point looking at me with such anger I thought the colour of his eyes had turned black…he looked straight into my eyes and held this pose for a long time, it WAS frightening, out of the blue, real anger.
I looked at the safety plan paper she gave me and I have all that is needed except for the bag of essentials, the rest is already there, should I need it. But to me it still seems ridiculous.

Anyway, this is today, and later on he will be back from work…
What matters is I had an easy day today. Till later on.

[Ayanna]

This man is such a … Recording you … Most likely he provokes you to say things and then he records you.
Do the same to him.
Pack your bag, as the counsellor said.
You are getting there, Bridget.
It is a process. You haver been married long and you have the kids. It is not easy to separate yourself from this whole situation. But you get there step by step.
I am glad you have a good counsellor. x*x

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