Wading through the system

[resilientandstronger]

After (detail removed by moderator) years in an abusive relationship I left it all behind officially (detail removed by moderator) years ago and we were doing fine. I changed careers, bought my own house and got on with raising my son and daughter on my own (I counted myself really lucky to be able to do that)

I was complacent though and after a quickie (and cheap) divorce I didn’t have a legal order for my children as the contact was intermittent and non-committal.
Then my son and I fell out over the summer over me disciplining him. He called his Dad to pick him up and that was the last I saw of him; (detail removed by moderator) months ago! He hasn’t been back home and all I have is a Whats app relationship with the boy I’ve raised on my own for the past (detail removed by moderator) years. I’ve had to navigate social services, the police and 2 court appearances to try and get our lives back on track. It’s awful!
I’m still in this process and currently have my daughter at home separated from her brother and not wanted by her father (I wouldn’t want it differently due to the history but its still galling).
What struck me is the way a social worker spoke to me during the first hearing. She said that our history of domestic violence was too historic, that it hadn’t affected the current position and had no bearing on my argument to get my son returned home. He is now experiencing the same coercive control I did whilst with his dad and it’s worrying. I feel so helpless to stop it! It seems to me experience of physical and mental domestic abuse has a ‘shelf life’ to those in authority – how can I tackle that? Any advice whilst I’m navigating this would really help – I’m worried sick and exhausted.

[KIP.]

Get support from women’s aid. Get her to be with you at ss meetings and explain there is no expiry date for a domestic abuser. It’s who he is and what he does. The fact he took his son from his established life, mother and sibling screams at a lack of care for the welfare of his son. Gather support around you. Any local charities. NSPCC. We have Children First. I really do feel for you. It must be horrendous. At least you do have the WhatsApp. What about school and his local friends? Can you persuade him to come home? Can you steal him back (for want of a better term). Not sure how far away he is from you. Surely the court would find what he did outrageous.

[fizzylem]

Such a hard story to read, this is what happens when the court fails to recognise the child’s need for the father to support the primary carer and if he cant then this is failing the child – above all else! It’s dreadful how services are still so behind with the effects of domestic abuse / won’t acknowledge it unless the child is at risk under current safeguarding criteria – this criteria is seriously lacking and needs widening massively – not enough money for that though hey, they tend to take the view that the father has equal rights and that the child has a right to a relationship with him whatever the cost don’t they! They’re also listening to the child’s voice now as well, which is fine if the child isn’t being manipulated and has emotional maturity (does not react from his or her emotions) – dont know many kids that don’t though do you? Because this is what it is to be a child, go for what you want and completely miss what it is you need – most of the time! Which is why the parent steps in. In a hundred years this will all be seen as barbaric and shocking, that or utterly stupid. How can we still be getting it so very wrong for the child?! I don’t get it.

Speaking as someone who has often felt at the end of the line being a parent and my child being in the middle and effected by his abuse and manipulation, if you feel exhausted, then I would say take a break, do nothing, then decide later if you want to pick up the battle again (if there’s something new to explore) – or let it go – perhaps you’ve exhausted it? Done everything you can already? Sounds like you have. Talking to others does help though hey, when you feel willing and able, those who have gone through it and support services, sometimes you glean new info that can help.

I would be inclined to spell it out to him that this is how it needs to be at home, that he is always welcome, that my love for you will never change, but I strongly believe that giving you what you need is far more important that giving you what you want, these two things are often very different, this is my role as a responsible, caring parent, to shape you into a caring, responsible adult etc or a like, sorry if you’ve already said all these things, suppose I’m just trying to think what I would do, so basically spelling it out to him why you did what you did and that this will always apply because…that if he ever wants to discuss this your door is always open; living with your dad is not what you’d like for him but you respect if he wishes to do this that is his choice.

Suppose this comes later though hey; a good way in is to apologise for something, was there anything you did or said that you feel you could honestly say I regret this now, any part of it all? Kids respond well to an apologetic parent lol, they love to see us squirm! Needs to be genuine though, something you can show you have learnt and thus don’t do again, can thank him for maybe. Sometimes I might say, I can see how this would have felt, you were right, I could have chosen a much better way to say it or something like, I’m sorry I said that, if I could say it again I’d say it like this…her ears suddenly p***k up if this happens, it seems to put her in a place willing to listen. Might not be anything of course, just throwing it out there.

I imagine his dad is throwing petrol on the fire, so I’d be trying to take the heat out of it, make it clear he can come and discuss things anytime when he is ready, when he has calmed down, that we can talk it out to feel better about things, wherever he decides to live you will respect this, but you dont like him feeling upset and angry about things, carrying this around, that we need to get past this so he feels better, lighter, happier again.

Work with and have faith in the relationship you established with him – none of these services seem capable of looking deeper into the problems, they listen to the child, the dad, the mum, make an assessment – then often get it wrong because they don’t have enough info to make informed decisions – and it sucks! But this is how it is and you can’t change the system alone hey; it requires policy. Trying to fight the system will lead to burn out for sure – and no change – it’s futile, if you want to fight for change you first need to be in a position of influence. I reckon you need to work with what you’ve got already, your relationship with your son, do what you can with these services yes of course, but be aware of the limiations and likely outcomes / maybe even put them to one side – especially if they are unhelpful.

So, what we do know is he is angry and feels justified, have you tried empathising with him? I understand why you feel the way you do…can often be a way in, let him express how he feels and what he thinks first, thinking the longer it goes on the harder sometimes it is for kids to swallow their pride, kids can get stuck in anger too, which seems to be what has happened here, what he actually needs is help to process this and find a resolve isnt it. If dad’s fuelling this it’s not giving him what he needs, only what dad wants, dad should be trying to get him to talk it through with mum hey. If you can get him to a calm place, so he is able to talk things through you’re in hey. Maybe for now it’s all about sending messages that take the heat out of it only?

It may be that he comes to you when he needs you, when other things are going wrong, with dad, at school – needs his mum – so is the best you can do for now making it clear to him that your door is always open?

Heartbreaking isn’t it – pull in all the support you can for yourself – work with and respect his choices to find a way in, but always stay firm, fair and kind, especially if he comes back and it feels like you might lose him again if you don’t pander to him, not the answer – he’ll only do it again to you and to others, you know what I’m saying, clear boundaries always. Really hope you get him back x

[Author]

Posts