Waiting for the apology I will never receive.

[Aliceinwonderland]

Hi,
Feeling really sad today. He still tries to control I need my family to do handovers with childcare as he’s overstepped the boundaries again. I pity him, I try to get on with my life. I am so sorry to myself for allowing the emotional and physical abuse that happened, I know I am on my path to freedom. But he will never apologise for breaking my finger, for spilling hot tea on me, for belittling me, for making me feel worthless. He went to AA for a bit and now says it was all in my head, I exaggerated everything. Why do I still feel worthless? Like it was my fault.

[maddog]

I’ve been through similar. He will not apologise. His reality is not the same. I too pity my ex. He isn’t worth hating. I fear him but I don’t hate him. It isn’t and was never your fault. I’m sure KIP will articulate well.

I recently had a meltdown with my solicitor and I was fortunate that my outreach worker picked it up. I don’t even know if there is a driving seat to sit in.

His behaviour is not your fault. Please accept all the help you need to understand your own boundaries and to work on your own reactions.

It feels at the moment as though I am climbing out of the rubble into sunshine again and again. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to deal with the falling bricks and maybe they may even be useful.

[banks]

hi Alice in wonderland,

I am sorry to hear you are feeling sad 🙁 it is not easy to believe it was not your fault, but that is the truth – you tried your best and loved and cared for someone, and you cannot be responsible for their behaviour nor it is a result of yours, it is all their doing. You are not worthless, you managed to find the strength to free yourself from this man and never forget how courageous and amazing you are, and you are allowed to feel sad and these days will come but they will also go!

Sending you hugs,

Banks xx

[KIP.]

I remember a quote “life becomes easier when we learn to accept the apology we will never get”
If he’s overstepped the boundary is it enough to withdraw child contact? If he’s still trying to control you, the children are next x these men need somewhere to vent.

[survivorandproud]

Hi aliceinwonderland,

Unfortunately, you will never receive your apology. My ex was similar in regards to going to counselling. He went twice, said he didn’t need it and also said the counsellor blamed me for his actions. Complete and utter manipulation at its finest. Do not let this get you down, focus on yourself and staying strong. You have left him and that is an amazing thing. Do not seek an apology from someone who isn’t even worth your energy. Abusers will never say sorry and actually mean it. Stay strong and lots of love x

[Aliceinwonderland]

He backs off a bit when I make sure an older male relative of mine is present, and luckily my family see him for what he is and are happy to support. They said I should stop mediation with him as he obviously sees it as a joke.
Our children love him and I would hate for him to have an excuse to turn them against me which is why I don’t want to reduce their contact with him.
When he has sorted suitable accommodation I’m hoping he can do pick up/ drop offs at school so I can minimise contact with him.
I feel so up and down since I ended the relationship, at first elated because I thought he had overstepped line and I managed to persuade him to leave, I know I can do this and keep strong. But some days/ weeks I just feel rubbish and alone in my battle with him.
If I didn’t have this group I wouldn’t know anyone to talk to that had been through similar. A lot of people still say to me it’s such a shame and they hear he’s quit drink and wonder if he’s changed. But I know I can never trust him or live with a man that gets off on my fear.

[itwillbeokay]

I can relate to this. I was waiting for an apology that never comes and as for even any sort of ownership of the behaviour and the reasons I’ve left, there is none, literally none. I’m assuming mine is still drinking, probably even more now we have gone, but it’s assumptions based on the person I know and nothing else as I am not there to see. He’s radio silence right now, not even late night drunken messages at the moment. Leaves me feeling on edge. He also doesn’t have suitable accommodation to have any official visitations in place so it’s all ad hoc with one child and not the other (which I need to stop!) and I do all hand overs as I couldn’t subject my family to the abuse they would probably get and I would refuse to see his mother aswell due to messages she has sent me. But I can relate to people saying things like I still hope you get back together, the romantic in me wants that. This is one family member but it’s difficult to hear. I don’t think it’s particularly romantic to be called disgusting names and be scared in your own home with young children asleep upstairs so I’m inclined to disagree but hard to hear nonetheless as it taps into the fog and confusion I already deal with on a daily basis. Not to mention the overwhelming guilt that I’ve left him all alone with nothing and he probably is now just drinking all the time, still no job as far as I can make out. But the fact he takes no responsibility and minimises blames and makes out I’ve made it all up is a big hint that he would not change so that’s it, it’s done. I just need to keep moving forward to a better life.

Sending you a big hug.

X*x

[freedomtochoose]

Thank you everyone for sharing.
I go through different phases with this too. Ocassionally I have battled with that feeling of wanting an apology that will never arrive. Not just from my ex but from my entire birth family.

I only discovered this forum about six months ago and so went through quite a number of years of feeling as if I was the only person on the planet who had experienced these things. So I’m going through a process of realising that a great deal of what I Have experienced others experienced too.

I am now estranged from my entire birth family. I see this as having happened because very few if any of them understood or really saw what I was having to deal with. And recently I have been labelled ‘selfish’ – because I have put my child first and next myself. I had something to say about that one to a (now estranged birth family member) along the lines of how could I possibly be ‘selfish’ when I put someone else first 24/7 every day. They critisied me for putting ‘other adults’ second to my child and myself.

I was encouraged to have boundaries and do exactly that after I left for refuge. I have known so many women who wavered on that one and literally went down emotionally, and physically and some who lost their kids as a result. What was and am I supposed to do other than put my child and myself first? If I did anything else I would be critised for that and social care would be knocking on my door..

This is really strange as although it does hurt – at the same time I know what happened with my birth family is this happened because there aren’t many people who can actually cope with the aftermath of emotional domestic abuse (or financial, or physical) – when they hear of it happening to someone they know (or love). I understand this has more to do with them than it does with me. Although I do not and have never pretended to be a perfect person (no one is) – and I battle with my self-worth i.e feeling like a rubbish person…

…I look at what I do all day, every day and now having successfully looked after a teenager for several years who is happy and doing brilliantly – I get the feeling that for some people – nothing I could ever do would ever be right! Nothing I could ever do would be enough or good enough.

So I’m working on accepting that I am good enough. Sometimes I really wish that they would turn around and say ‘ I’m so sorry you had to experience all that, that must have been really hard, you must have had to make so many sacrifices, and every day make so many sacrifices, battling so many hurdles…’

but nothing comes…and don’t think it will ever come. So I’m carrying on in the meantime saying all this to myself. In the company of you lovely ladies.

I have openly said to my ex and now my birth family that they will take these decisions to their graves. What doth it profit a man (or a woman) to gain the whole world and lose his soul?

I have not lost my soul Alice in Wonderland and neither has anyone else on here, otherwise we would not be posting, reflecting, taking care of each other and trying to find a way forward with integrity…

In the end, however much they try to blame us, what will they gain from it and what do they gain from it? I don’t think it is peace of mind. Sooner or later such awful human mistakes come back to haunt them. Or so I believe. Whilst nothing in life is entirely black or white, all we can do is try to move forward with our day to day decisions and try each day to live life with the integrity we have always had. We are allowed to make mistakes too. And especially with kids the time and space we have to nuture ourselves is often quite difficult to come by. So we deserve that too when we find it.

Hope that is not too much off topic.

all best
ftc
x

[Aliceinwonderland]

I’m literally in tears reading these messages of support, thank u so much. I am so thankful for u wonderful supportive women on here. It’s so hard to not be cynical and thinking all men are awful atm it seems I choose bad men time and time again, this one was my longest and deepest relationship and also the most destructive. I’m thinking this feeling will pass and is just another bit I need to get through. Recovery seems a strange process too.
Thanks once again to u beautiful strong people on here x*x sending the hugs back x*x

[Author]

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