Waiting for the eruption.

[nbumblebee]

Hey me again again.
So you were all right.
He is not going to change is he?
Things have been quiet since I said I was leaving he has tried so hard and ive felt like an utter b***h ive hurt myself blamed myself and just been a t*t.
He said he feels better do we need to see counsellor? I dont think we do Im fine now I think it was the (detail removed by Moderator). I answered with yes we do I am waiting for an appointment he asked if I was still planning on leaving I said I didnt know.
He went quiet stroppy and didnt talk all night. Now he is angry I can feel it small small digs at me working about how much I earn about me going out for a coffee small tiny digs which are followed by “oh but you are allowed im not saying that” its still there isnt it under the surface waiting to erupt. Its almost as worse as whwn he was nasty this eggshell walking. The silence. The tension.
Every day is hard every day is a struggle im so tired but I have to work out my way work out a plan but where do I start? How do you forgive yourself for breaking them? For distroying your family?
How will I live with that? Im not sure I can. Xxxxxx

[sweet4]

Bee, He says he will change, lies lies and more lies, i was told, he will work on the list, i wrote down a whole list of things, try that Bee he has changed so much, got worse.
(detail removed by Moderator) me, still living in my bedroom, since (detail removed by Moderator), so im waiting and i have to keep going, its tough, very very tough, hope your ok. x

[nbumblebee]

And has come home with (detail removed by Moderator) after no effort made for mothers day. My head is a mess.

[Happybelle]

How they lie all the time and they don’t change. This week mone has gone on about how they are trying to stop substance abuse. Then in the next breadth how they are going to make their substance abuse more cost efficient!! What a nonsense.
I saw a couple of memes on Facebook recently.
One about just accepting them as they are, that they won’t change and focus on you. I’ve started this week on this and I’m feeling a bit better about letting go and moving on with my life.
The second one is about a snake biting you and you chase the snake to catch it and prove that you didn’t deserve it. Then it bites you again.
Thinking of you x

[Bananaboat]

That reminded me of my ex – ‘I’m getting clean and stopping drinking, it’s been x days’…but you’re drinking beer and smoking weed as we speak? Yeah I mean the spirits and coke and not on weekdays 🤦‍♀️ idiots aren’t they.

[nbumblebee]

Wow happybelle these are good.
Hope you find a way sweetie stay safe and thanks for the reply xx

[Bananaboat]

You’re not destroying the family, you’re saving yourself and the kids. You gave him love, security, a family and it’s not enough, nothing will be enough, that’s on him not you x

[nbumblebee]

Oh @bananaboat you are always a voice of reason for me. One minute im telling myself i can leave the next i tell myself its all jn my head. The niceness the (detail removed by Moderator) today when (detail removed by Moderator) i could feel his anger at me saying he needed to see a counsellor he was like a scolded child. Im so cross with nyself I cant seem to make a choice and stick with it.
I dont love him in the way I should I am being so unfair to stay its not fair on him to be with someone who doesnt love him like they should. But yet still i stay. Why?????????

[tiredofitall]

We all do this. The amount of times I said I was leaving and I didn’t. The amount of times I felt like I couldn’t take any more of the emotional rollercoaster but I did. Don’t be disappointed in yourself. Its so incredibly hard.
You can’t love him the way he thinks he deserves to be loved but are you being loved the way that you deserve to be loved too? Nothing we do is ever good enough because they move the goal posts all the time. And they don’t want to resolve, work things through and get better. For some reason, they seem to be happier when they are in conflict or making us upset. I swear my ex was not happy unless he was making me feel bad.
There is some good advice already and I agree, that it really helps to change the focus of your thinking from him to you. I had some counselling a few years before I left and I was trying to find ways that I could make things better between us and the counsellor was quite direct but it hit home. She said we can’t change his behaviour, that is not in our control. So we focussed on all the ways that I could regulate my emotional responses to reduce the amount of stress I was feeling but it really opened me eyes to the fact that I could not change anything that he did. It was all in his control and he was choosing to watch me cry and live in despair and fear and he wasn’t bothered by that at all.

[nbumblebee]

@Tiredofitall Thank you.
I cant help but feel its me nos. He has stopped its not so bad he doesnt get at me call me names hurt me anymore he hasnt for a few weeks he wants and says he is ok now all better can we just move on but I cant seem to i cant forget. Its me now im the bad guy now and its so hard to cope with that.
Anyone else had this how long did it last? Did they go back get worse? I just feel i was so close so close now im right back to when i started but now without the nastyness. Should i even be here on this site now??

[Sad and alone]

@nbumblebee of course you should be here now. I think some people may utilise this forum a long time, as long as they need to. Even if you could get yourself out you can always use support, even from people you don’t know on here.

So is he saying he’s cured?! Do you feel he’s changed? Because I have learnt that the cyclical nature of abusive behaviour can be extended over some time. When I look back over many many years I can now pick out abusive behaviour that was separated by years. And gradually it has increased. In the run up to (detail removed by Moderator) I made an effort to be more intimate thinking this would equal a bit of respect towards me. Things seemed to improve and I began to think maybe we could drag ourselves back to a normal relationship. But then it all went downhill again at the beginning of (detail removed by Moderator). So even if he seems like he’s reformed it could easily fall back to what it was before.

You can’t forget everything that’s happened. And it’s okay if you can’t move forwards because of that. If you don’t feel that way about him anymore, which is understandable, then you know that you still need to think about getting out. It’s not just the abuse, it’s about the loss of trust. My other half said if he really tried to be nice to me would I change and be what he wanted and I told him there’s no point, because I know what he really thinks of me and I don’t think they can turn that off.

Maybe he’s trying to make you feel guilty, like he’s changed and everything’s actually your fault. Just another way of trying to control you. Probably scared as you’ve got stronger and he can see you could actually survive without him.

Don’t stop posting x

[nbumblebee]

Im still scared one wrong word one wrong look and he will be off again. I can see it in his eyes sometimes he so wants to say something but he stops himself. How can he stop himself now why not for the past lots of years? He has done and said some pretty nasty things how did he not stop himself then and why can he now?
He says its cause he has changed and he feels better. I just dont know im scared i dont trust him and that makes me feel such a s****y person.

[Chocolatebunnie]

You’re not hurting anyone, it is all him. You need to look after you as he’s not going to change and us classic abuser reaction from him.

Been in this situation a few years ago, we had split, we had a couple of sessions with a relationship therapist who I had seen for a long time on my own. I trusted they would understand what he was like.

This was when I was new to the forum and still exploring was it abuse. I hoped the therapist would talk to us separately but she didn’t. End result was he was after a few sessions where he was obviously charming, I was over sensitive according to the both of them and I left in tears. He wouldn’t go anymore. He said it had concluded things, he didn’t want to go and had made excuses just as your husband is. I wax to blame and he felt it was my past etc it was perfect for him.

I would advise against it as others will too. If he’s going to go to therapy it should be him organising it with enthusiasm.

As for him being nice and now going quiet, his mood will keep changing to spin your mind and try to win you back and regain control, it’s usual tactics. Of course he wants you to feel incredibly guilty too.

He’s not changing.

And Why should you have to wait for him to do this anyway? You’re worth so much more 🥰

Eggshells are the worse feeling.

Sending hugs CB X

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