This topic contains 32 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  [email protected] 2 weeks ago.

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  • #70668
     xpeacex 
    Participant

    Hi all, I have been thinking of leaving my abusive partner who has been physically and mentally abusive. I have a baby and toddler so just worried what it will be like in a refuge? He has been physical and punches walls, spits on my face alot. He also said I will die but that he will not touch me i will do it myself. He can be so loving but it does not last, I am on eggshells and the children have witnessed everything and je swears and calls me names alot too. How would it be with contact because he is father.

  • #70673
     KIP. 
    Participant

    You need to contact your local women’s aid and make a safe exit plan. He sounds very dangerous. Abuse in front of children is child abuse and it will affect your children’s mental health as well as yours. Children learn from their parents. Please find the strength to go into a refuge where you will find support. Women’s aid have connections to housing and can help with explaining benefits etc. Speaking out is the first step. Have you spoken to your GP yet. You should really start a record of his abuse which will help keeping his access to the children limited, supervised or none at all. He chooses to abuse you. There is lots of help out there for you. Please reach out. Ring the helpline number on here for advice x

  • #70675
     freedomtochoose 
    Participant

    Take it step by step. If this is what you are planning and WA will tell you this, on no account should you let your ex know your plans.

    I went to refuge, there were plenty of women there with kids that age. Some refuges are really quite smart, others basic. But whichever way, once you get there you will find you will sleep better. .The best ones have support workers for kids – so that kids can be looked after whilst you get on with the stuff you need to do to build a new life. You can do this.
    all best
    ftc
    x

  • #70678
     xpeacex 
    Participant

    Thankyou for replies, very helpful. I am trying not to cry right now. I will go to see gp asap and contact women’s aid because I cannot take this anymore and I need protect my children. I don’t really have any friends and my family despite knowing things say I am over sensitive and do not seem to understand. Thankfully I have some voice recordings, even one in which he says i will die and I have video of him punching a wall whilst he was carrying baby in baby carrier.
    I have felt unsafe for a while now. He has put children’s birth certificates and passports somewhere i do not know. Are these totally required for entering a refuge? He does not work so in house constantly but shall be window of opportunity soon to escape as (detail removed by moderator) he may be taking children’s birth certificates and passports with him.

    • #70689
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi there,

      Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

      As others have mentioned it would be useful to link in with your local service to make a safety plan. There is more information about refuge on the Women’s Aid website.

      You mentioned you have felt unsafe for a while. You and your children’s safety is the most important thing.

      If you need support with finding a refuge you can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. It is open 24/7 and calls are answered by trained female support workers.

      Take care and keep posting

      Best Wishes,

      Lisa

  • #70682
     freedomtochoose 
    Participant

    Hello there, taking these documents will do him no good at all. At the last count these things are not needed to go to refuge. Refuge should realise that abusive partners sometimes take these things away. Later on you can get replacements. And police should help with getting passports back.
    (detail removed by moderator)
    all best
    ftc
    x

  • #70686
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Just want to say it’s ok to cry. I wasn’t allowed to cry, it made things worse so I bottled it up and for a long time after I left I couldn’t cry but crying is a release. Have a good cry and a good scream into a pillow. Things can be much better for you all. You can ring 101 and speak to a domestic abuse officer in confidence. You can also get legal advice regarding having him removed from the property. Ring Rights for Women or get free legal advice from a local family solicitor. Women’s aid were fantastic. Hang in there x

  • #70692
     Numpty 
    Participant

    Hi there,
    I really feel for you. Moving into a refuge is a scary idea, but is it can also be the best thing you’ve done in a long while. Being away from the fear is what you and your children need.
    Even if the child support seems limited, being among other children who understand can be healing for the children, as is the chance to play and run around without fear.
    I remember my window. Please do not be afraid to take it. Everything you leave behind can be replaced.

  • #70742
     xpeacex 
    Participant

    Thank you so much everyone, really appreciate. I am just so stressed out, this morning he wanted to argue about nothing of importance but I just left the room. My hands were shaking after though. Yesterday was a goid day and now he being nice again. I am also worried about my dog and rabbit too, for fostering dog would need neutering and he is nearly (detail removed by moderator) and friendly sensitive guy. I would be worried about him cos he tends get attacked by other dogs and been in animal hospital and had visits to vets cos of past attacks. He has never attacked any other dogs but most do not seem to like him. I want to go to refuge but would be super worried about him. How long would the stay in refuge approximately be for a new house be sorted to live in, house in at moment is rented. (Detail removed by moderator). Hmm yeah in a pickle in deed. I keep leaving womens aid helpline voicemail and they ring but not been able to talk when thought could. I might go into the backs of house to talk like 1am or something hopefully get straight through to advisor. How will it go with window of opportunity if i get out with kids but unable get in touch with helpline worker for hours. I do not drive and apart from playcentre which shuts early we would be outdoors in cold. I am still recovering from birth and pushing double pram for long time can be draining. Gawd I’m stressed but need focus, my children are the most important.

    • #70785
       Lisa 
      Main Moderator

      Hi xpeacex,

      I’m sorry you’re having difficulty making contact with the helpline. I just wanted to inform you that if you call in the night with your partner in the house (even if he is asleep), the helpline worker will not be able to continue with your call as it is not deemed safe. There is too much of a risk that a perpetrator may wake and then your safety could be compromised.

      If you call again when you’re safe and have to leave a voicemail, you can ask for a specific time for a call back, e.g. “between 9am and 10am”, and as the replies above state, find a reason to be out of the house for the callback. In terms of seeking a place in refuge, it is helpful to speak to the Helpline in the morning, when the refuge places are first made available.

      I understand this is a very challenging time for you and trying to plan it is difficult. But it can be possible for you to leave and to find safety and support in refuge. As mentioned in the other replies, if you felt you could go to the police they could help you to leave safely.

      You could also contact your local domestic abuse service directly, to ask for help finding refuge.

      Keep posting when you can,

      Lisa

  • #70746
     xpeacex 
    Participant

    Is the video ok for evidence?

  • #70747
     freedomtochoose 
    Participant

    Make a medical appointment for you and the kids. Double appointment, specialist so that you are gone for enough hours to get to refuge.
    Then don’t attend.
    Get away instead.
    all best
    ftc
    x

  • #70748
     freedomtochoose 
    Participant

    or indeed dentist
    x

  • #70749
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    hi there, i really feel for you this is the worst isnt it xx id imagine womens aid might advise that the police are there when you leave. Be safe i just worry that he will catch you making that call in the early hours. When you try to leave this is when they ramp the abuse up. if the police are there then you and your children have protection xx also they can get your documents back for you safely. its a scary thought but thats there job to protect you, they can help you organise refuge from there xx luv diy

  • #70750
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    id call the police when you get that window of opportunity and ask there advice on what to do next, they will deal with these situations all the time xx

  • #70752
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Video evidence is good, it shows why you are afraid of him. Not sure if usable in court depends if you want to go down that road though.
    I’d only use that time in the morning if you know for absolute sure he’d not disturb you, he could use the sneakiness of it to his advantage. A reason in his head to harm you further. If you escape at night, cos realistically it’s always when no one is around or places open that they really k..k off, you could phone the police, who would hopefully pick you up and help organise a place for you to go to be safe. As to your dog is there a dogs trust near you. They work in conviction with abused women as they know pets are traumatised in the same way peopke are. They’ll keep him till you’re rehome, you can also visit of doable or help rehome to a kind family. It’s one less thing to worry about when our pets are safe. Mine harms ours too, says they’re his dogs and he’ll teach them to respect him do as he tells them, rubbish. I think other dogs are attacking yours as they know he’s weaker than them, law of the jungle so to speak.😔
    I totally agree with organising your window of opportunity, women’s aid could do this with you, it’s too big a thing to do on your own especially in your circumstances with new baby and other young child. Try and keep things as normal as possible so not to give him any idea what you’re planning, they are so in tune with us they notice everything, even if you dont think they do. This sjould be the happiest time of your life, don’t let him steal your time with your babies. 💜💜
    Keep posting and keep reading, knowledge is definately power.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #70908
     xpeacex 
    Participant

    Quick update, he just been arrested for assault. I decided not to give a statement though, the police were very helpful.

  • #70910
     Sadness 
    Participant

    Xpeacex hope you are ok well done for been so strong it takes a lot of courage to ring them xx

  • #70911
     xpeacex 
    Participant

    I suprised myself by ringing police. I’ve said he can still see the kids but I just don’t know what to do. He assaulted me whilst i was holding our youngest so I’m confused. Shall get injunction. Police said if he turns up tomorrow at door not going away to ring them. I will be getting a call tomorrow from a domestic abuse organisation that police have referred me to. The female police officer said her boyfriend would never do what he did to me. I didn’t expect police be as supportive as been.

  • #70912
     xpeacex 
    Participant

    Thank you Sadness. It’s been a long time coming, I don’t know why i let it go on for so long especially having children because its affected them greatly.
    x*x

  • #70913
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hello xpeacex, that is good news. I think also you may change your mind about giving a statement, as the FOG clears. I’m sure that would be perfectly okay to do so given the circumstances, check with the DA organisation. They might also recommend supervised access, given he assaulted you whilst holding one of the children, and that they are affected by the whole thing too. You have done an amazing thing there by contacting the police. Well done love. 💜IWMB 💕💕

  • #70920
     xpeacex 
    Participant

    Thank you Iwantmeback, the police rang just before to see how I was doing and asked if I want give statement. They said I will have more protection from them if I do, they seem want me give statement but I undecided so they will be in touch soon to see if changed my mind. I feel so confused because I still have love for him crazy as that is.

  • #70924
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi there, of course you still feel you love him. Has anyone spoken to you about trauma bonding, it’s literally outwith our control due to a chemical release within our own bodies. Oxytocin is a very potent chemical, it’s what is released when we give birth to our babies to help us bond with them, it’s released when we fall in love, is also released when we are scared beyond belief and when that one person, the man who says he loves us, is causing the chemical reaction, it’s no wonder we get confused. Look it up, it could help explain a lot of how you’re feeling. Also look up FOG (fear,obligation,guilt). Again well done in getting this far. Have you anyone from WA or any other DA organisation helping you deal with this. It can be overwhelming dealing with it on your own. Make sure that anyone you talk to professionally is versed in domestic abuse, many know about it nowadays, but still don’t really get it. They are helping you, if you dont feel comfortable or safe let them know. Victim support could help too I’m sure.

    IWMB 💕💕

  • #70925
     xpeacex 
    Participant

    Police rang. I will be giving a statement. Need be strong about this. All happening so quick. You women are a mighty help. Thank you so much.

  • #70931
     Tiffany 
    Participant

    Well done for deciding to give a statement. You are very brave and very strong. I am so glad the police have been supportive. They are there to help you.

  • #70934
     Sadness 
    Participant

    Hi xpeacex so glad you had the courage and strength to do this I am in awe of you and wish you the best of luck xx

  • #70956
     xpeacex 
    Participant

    Thank you everyone. I think my feelings for loving him changed in an instant. Police rang letting me know that he denied everything about the assault (detail removed by Moderator). Very grateful though cos they put a restraining order into action, as soon as I was told he denied it all something in my mind my spirit lit up. He just shown who he really is like a big wake up call, he was trying to destroy me from day one. Well played I guess but now I well I shall not feel sorry for him like I did, I shall not let him destroy the children and I shall do all I can to get through this and face fear with some fire within. The police know he is abusive, some reason they got my back. Never been police about him before.

    Gonna do the freedom programme when I can. I am worried however as social services will be visiting me and kids cos youngest is under (detail removed by Moderator).

    Should be sleeping but cannot even though tired. Maybe am in shock that he lied about (detail removed by Moderator) events, honestly didn’t think he would.

  • #70957
     xpeacex 
    Participant

    He been charged (detail removed by Moderator).

  • #72009
     xpeacex 
    Participant

    Well got letter from his solistor for him to see the kids at a local children’s centre unsupervised (detail removed by moderator) every week.
    Just contacted my solicitor and waiting hear back. I can’t believe him and his solicitor want that much contact.

  • #72010
     xpeacex 
    Participant

    Why did his solicitor not recommend supervised at a contact centre. I’m shocked

  • #72011
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Hi there that’s far too much contact to be asking for. Given the circumstances it looks like hes doing this to be obstructive. Id let them know that’s not feasible and would be disruptive for your children. It paints a very clear picture however and might be worth pointing out to the court through the solicitor contact is for the children not about fulfilling his needs xx argh its all about them isn’t it everthing revolving around these men. Stick to your guns normal contact is every second weekend for a few hours at a contact centre xx its worth bearing in mind as long as you present the kids everytime on time for contact your sticking to the court order. However if the kids are scared or upset they heave the right to refuse to go through to see him. You can ask for a mediator at the contact centre that’s what happened to us xx the contact was eventually stopped as she didn’t feel safe to go xx Diy x

  • #72012
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    also if its confined to the contact centre there nothing really to do or entertain the kids. Id be vigilant baecause this is when these men ask about what your doing. Id keep a journal of what is relayed back to you without probing the kids xx

  • #72013
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    I think it should be supervised too but it seems that if they haven’t been in prison or its something very extreme they give them on chance to make contact work. When it goes wrong they reign it in. I agree it is ridiculous xx

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