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I want to stop loving my ex partner. I want to be sure of myself that I’ll never go back. I’ve been exploring to pulls from him with a support worker, the whys of why I want him and the whys of why I don’t and the balance clearly tips in the bad outweighing the good, but why do I spend most of my time missing the ‘good’ in him and the love bombing. I feel like no one is going to say they love me again and I miss those moments where I felt like his world. I don’t miss all the other moments. The people around me just don’t get why I wouldn’t just be over the moon he is out of my life.
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Google trauma bonding. You’re breaking a trauma bonding and that takes time. Zero contact and time and you won’t feel The way you do. I know it feels like you won’t ever move on from it but you do eventually. Healing from Hidden Abuse. A good book to read. You’re fighting programming and brain washing by an abuser. It will take time to rewire your brain and it’s also beyond devastating to accept you’ve been abused by someone you love and thought loved you in return. Our minds fight that pain. Google cognitive dissonance. Knowledge Is Power. KIPx
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Barbarafrancis I know the feeling. I have read, and am still reading, about these things, and the actual chemicals involved.
Aside from that I feel what you feel. It’s very confusing to love and miss someone you also know has done things that you really should never have tolerated. I grieve still every day at some point for the relationship. The ‘good’ part. The part that I invested so much in. The fun and loving part. That part is still hard to come to terms of letting go of. For me anyway.
I’ve cut ties. No contact for a few weeks. But I’m told he still has our picture up on messaging things. I had to put that right out of my head because that really didn’t help the old heart strings. I’m pretty sure it’s manipulative in some way too.
I’m trying to hang on to the fact that one way or another this will get easier. As long as we keep moving forward. At least I hope x
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Hey there! I just started a thread about Codependency and thought I would post what I wrote here and see if it helps…
I’ve been thinking about codependency and trying to think of a way to explain it a little better because I think we hear the word and we kinda get it but maybe not so much. So I thought I’d write something about it here….see if this clicks with any of you?
Codependency is a really harmful little thing we do. Upon choosing our mate, which we do, just like they choose us – we somehow assign their happiness and wellbeing to “us”, it’s our responsibility. So here we are giving ourselves a kind of godlike power that we just don’t have. They are ever so glad to let us assume that position however. So once that is in place in us, guess what? Every time it is clear that “they aren’t happy about something, that we displease them in some way, that their feelings are hurt, or they are failing at something, etc., then – it’s our fault, right? Because of course it is. We have happily taken on that responsibility to not let this happen. So we go above and beyond trying to be their everything, their savior, their this, their that and when they get angry or upset – well, we are failing in our job, right? It was never ours in the first place! That is codependency in a nutshell.
When we leave them and should be all happy and everything, we still deal with (especially right afterwards) this insane feeling of failure but this is the “reason why” we feel that way. We failed. That’s how we feel. It’s like saying how come I was never good enough, how come he couldn’t love me like I loved him, how come he’s not grateful for everything I did for him, how come no matter what I did it never worked? It would be like taking a job out in life and being sooo under qualified for it that it was ridiculous, and there would be no chance of you succeeding in it. But for whatever reason, you thought you could be a doctor and yet you had no training whatsoever at being a doctor, but they hired you anyways and off you went. Of course you failed miserably but you tried tried tried to fix them, heal them because in your mind – you – had the power and skills to do so and they were “your” responsibility. It’s exactly like that – being in a relationship where you are codependent with another.
We don’t have those godlike powers. Each person is responsible for themselves and it’s not reciprocal with someone who is abusive and predatory. They are happy as a pig in mud to allow you to assume this kind of position. And loving it when you start having all these feelings of failure, misery, depression. This………should never be a job we sign up for so we have to quit the job. In our heads, in our thoughts, in our choices, in our patterns of thinking and being. We have to turn in our notice and quit before we are fired, before we do more damage to ourselves. There are times in life when quitting something like this isn’t a bad thing. We didn’t fail because this position was set up for failure from the very beginning.
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Hi Barbarafrancis, I think once you’ve looked up trauma bonding as KIP suggests, things will make sense. The betterhelp website do a really good explanation. Also, you are mourning the loss of everything that you hoped you’re relationship would be. We hang on to hope for so long. When we finally give up hope, we have to reimagine our future with no idea of what that might look like. Our goalposts have moved and it can be hard to find them and that can feel quite desolate. @KIP once wrote a lovely description of the woman she is now, who she has become and it gave me hope! Be kind to yourself now and just allow yourself to mourn. It’s natural and healthy. xx
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Thanks everyone 🙂 I have been reading a book called ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft and it really is excellent and it’s making me feel a little stronger (today anyway haha). It’s helped to really identify what he has done, why, and about change and how that does and doesn’t happen.
I feel angry today too though because his parents effectively ally with him and that is a massive barrier. Until they call him out for what he has done or at least consider I’m not lying about it all and threading to get a restraining order against me (when I don’t even contact them) he has no hope in changing. Not that any change will change my mind right now about getting back with him-
Hi BarbaraFrances,
that book was an eye-opener for me, too!
I recently came across this Youtube channel called ‘DrRamani’ which deals with all things related to n********m. A lot of her videos shed light on the abusive behaviour n********ts engage in and are aimed at helping victims leave and recover, so they are informative for everyone who is interested in abuse more generally. She has a recent video in which she discusses how survivors of n**********c abuse often experience ‘grief and relief’ at the same time. I’ve definitely had that experience and after watching her video I felt a little less crazy and alone!
I’m so sorry to hear that he still has all of these allies. I don’t know if it helps but I (and probably loads of others on this forum) are your allies in spirit! You got this. I’m glad you’re in a place to say that you won’t change your mind 🙂
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Hi, I’ve watched lots of Dr Ramani’s videos on YouTube too, they’re a real eye opener and you will recognise lots of the behaviour and topics she talks about.
Also excellent is Surviving N********m on YouTube with Dr Les Carter, his business partner Laura also makes videos and was in a abusive relationship for many years, she talks about what she experienced, about getting out, her mixed feelings about it all.
Knowledge is power I’ve found.
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