Wanting out, again… Please help..

[Confusedgirl]

Here i am again, after so many attempts at leaving.

Im a (removed by moderator), 3 children so technically no income. I have paid a holding fee on a rental property but unsure if they will accept me when they know im a (removed by moderator). The rent is (removed by moderator) a month, so i will have to claim universal credits.

Im so scared. Will i be ok? Will i be able to afford to live and feed my children? I have heard so many horror stories about universal credits that im so worried.

He gone from crying, then being really nasty, calling me names, saying its me i am abusive, to ignoring me, to now back to acting as if nothing has happened at all, calling me babe/beautiful, trying to kiss me, touching me.. no “(removed by moderator)” Just total denial and acting as if things are back to normal.

I so badly want to go, but i am so scared of being financially worse off and struggling to feed my children. Its making me want to stay, at least until i qualify in (removed by moderator) years time.

The way he is, the hot and cold, the nastiness then trying to kiss me, hold me, i hate it, it makes me physically ill. Hes happy to forget it all and say “ah i didnt mean any of it” have sex and carry on as normal..

Theres no communication, because he cannot take blame or criticism at all, no intimacy because every bit of intimacy he wants sex, no understanding of my feelings, twists EVERYTHING round onto me so i end up feeling like c**p. He is never ever in the wrong, at all.

I actually hate him, but feeling like staying maybe safer especially for financial reasons.

I wish i could make a decision, this is torture. xx

[Watersprite]

Hello it sounds horrible how you are living just now like existing rather than a life of making choices and connection. He is gaslighting you and this psychological abuse can make it really hard to get a grip of things and take action to get out. And sure life on your own can be a struggle and financially tough but it is so so so much better than living in abuse. It’s a journey and takes time but life can be good. I read your job before deleted – you can probably get support through occ health and my place of work same as yours has an IDVA – google on the intranet. There is quite a lot of support out there are you able to reach out? At the moment your life is full of what ifs before I left I was told the what ifs can get sorted later we just have to get you safe. Sure enough over time the what ifs are sorted. Life can be your own and your children with a happy mum. Xx

[diymum@1]

there will be help out there because of the circumstances let womens aid help you. you might have a bit of foggyness due to the abuse we also get condtioned by the abuse its natural physiology a reaction to danger, you need womens aid to support and guide you right now. you will heal nd recover from this. to be scared about finances is hard enough with kids in the mix and abuse reach out theres lots of help out there xx

[Shura]

1st step is the scariest and the plus side for you to move out and away is your children. we, mothers have this natural instinct to protect and take care of our children. you will be ok, theres a lot of help out there, yes , you will struggle to make the ends meet at the very beginning but i promise you, it will be so worth it. to me it sounds that you are very close to your rock bottom. please please be strong for yourself and your children. dont expect a miracle to happen, he wont change and he wont be treating you better, this is all he can be to you or worse, and you do not deserve this honey, your children dont deserve the mom they get when youre with him. i echo what everyone has said, reach out and you`ll get help. Will you be ok straight away? No. Will you and your children be safe? Yes.

[searchingforhope]

Hey Confusedgirl

I’m right here with you. Somewhere organised and will be ready in a few weeks. Wana settle kids in school and hopefully move then. I’ll manage financially, it will be tough, but I will manage. There are days that I imagine what it would be like to have my own place, my own space and that seems just perfect. But then I come back to reality and get terrified of telling him I’m moving this time (he’s not in house with (removed by moderator) months as last time I tried to go he left) but he’s constantly around, calls in whenever he feels like it and I’m getting more and more anxious at the thought of going home from work each day. Like you he’s turned to telling me he loves me and we can work at it. He can’t understand why I want to end our marriage.
I’m afraid of telling him and afraid of telling the kids.
It’s huge. I get it. I feel your pain too.
I hope you keep going each day and keep finding the strength. i’m just doing baby steps at the moment. It’s all that I can manage.

Take care of you. x*x

[Risingup]

I’m with you both. I think I’m finally ready to leave. He verbally abused me really badly the other day and said ‘this is enough. I’m scared of him, so having a conversation with him about me leaving is not an option. He will start screaming at me. I’m not sure of the details yet. As you say, I want to settle kids into school too, But he has zero respect for me. I never even get an apology after the abuse, he just goes back to acting normal. I need some legal advice as I need to find out how to get him to leave the property. All these things scare the life out of me. I don’t know how, But I do know that me and my children deserve better and I no longer want to stay in this situation.

[Littlenightmare]

Hey Confusedgirl,

Don’t listen to his manipulation, you know what reality is and what he’s doing, that’s why you find him so repulsive.

Financially, it’s going to suck and be painful for a while. You’ll probably have a “worse” living situation and wrack up a lot of debt BUT it’s basically ground zero and once you hit it the only way is up from there. Takes a lot of bravery and lady balls to put yourself in that position which is especially hard when you have the trauma of DA which wears you down.

I promise you, on the other side of all of this is freedom, peace and you will find yourself and your strength again. He won’t invade your thoughts and make you question yourself anymore and best of all that dirt bag won’t get the pleasure of touching you ever again and it’ll be known to him how hard you fought just to get away from him because he’s that gross.

It’s a process leaving an abuser, they often ramp up their abuse after you leave because they feel the control slipping but every tentacle you get off you, the closer you’ll be to a new better life.

This doesn’t have to be your reality, a new life awaits.

[Eggshells]

Hi Confusedgirl

Have you tried called Citizens Advice for information on benefits etc?

Unfortunately, your post has been so heavily redacted it’s difficult to understand. I found CAB really helpful when I first left.

I’m going to be honest though, financially I did find it really tough at first. But here I am, I got through it and so will you.

Children don’t starve to death in this country but they are killed by abusive parents or they attempt suicide as young adults as a result of being raised in an abusive household. By leaving, you may experience financial hardship in the short term but in the long term you will be doing yourself and your children a huge service.

Look into free school meals, clothing banks and food banks. Try not to worry about energy bills; even if the government don’t come up with the financial support we need, millions will go into debt this year. You won’t be alone and energy companies will be ready and expecting to work out manageabke payment plans. It will be ok, support is out there!

I’ve never used it myself but please consider using the forum on the Gingerbread Website. There will be tens of thousands of single parents who have experienced financial hardship and some of them will be on the forum with good advice about benefits and money saving hacks.

Even through financial hardship, you won’t starve and neither will your children. You will be free though and you’ll learn to relax in a way you didn’t realise you could. When your home is a haven rather than a place of fear, you’ll be amazed by how much stronger and more able to cope you’ll feel. xx

[Redtulip]

He sounds just like my ex partner very violent abusive and then acts all lovey dovey like nothing happened. I suffered a year of violence and abuse all whilst heavily pregnant now looking back it was absolute torture. This psychopath used to shake me violently in my sleep, cut up my clothes, steal my money to feed his gambling addiction, forge my signature and take out loans on my name, threaten to make my child, act like a rapist, break doors, threaten to jump out windows, tried to remove my baby’s tag at hospital, stuck up my (detail removed by Moderator) baby’s middle finger towards me to pretend my newborn is swearing at me, wouldn’t allow me to turn on the bedroom light in the mornings when I’d get ready for work whilst heavily pregnant etc then later apologised and threatened to commit suicide to try and guilt me into returning. Looking back I tolerated so much because I was trying to make it work for the sake of our son but leaving him was the best thing I ever did. His abuse will affect your children in the long run so I hope you find the strength to leave. (detail removed by Moderator) years on and the trauma of it still hasn’t left me I still have nightmares about him, flashbacks of the abuse and suffer from anxiety. The trauma never leaves but I’m still soo much happier that I left him. I feel sorry for his new victim.

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