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I posted in the is this abuse the other day. Basically he drinks too much, hates me going out with my friends, accused me of affairs with them and threatened TIL I hit one the other day. Though he’s never been violent towards me he has broken things and it’s resulted in me getting hurt in cross fire.
After the fight where he threatened my friend He’s said he wants to talk about stuff tonight but I know how it will go. It’ll end up being my actions – me going out etc that’s to blame. He will want to put things right by ‘compromising’ but I’ve been here before. I’m not good at talking to him about it as it’s a blame game and I end up sounding pathetic. Any ideas on what I should do / say to approach him about his behaviour or what to say if he starts blaming me?
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You know exactly how this will go. You will end up feeling confused and apologise for things you didn’t even know you’ve done. If he doesn’t get his own way it will get violent. Braking things is violent. You getting hurt is violent. Even if it’s in the cross fire. It’s his cross fire. It’s his violence it’s his choice to behave this way. I fear for your safety x
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First up, darling, you’re not obliged to agree to his request for a ‘chat!’
If you’re living under the same roof, it might be tricky to avoid it, though. You need to know why he wants to talk and what about, and what he hopes to achieve.
Ask him for a clear, single topic and write it down. It can’t be vague and huge like ‘the relationship’ or ‘the future’ and it can’t be a list. Ask him what a good outcome from the talk would be for hom. If he can’t say, or it’s something like you ‘seeing sense’, don’t agree to talk! If his good outcome is something like discovering what you want from the relationship, that’s better.
Hold him to one topic. Lay down your boundaries, like say, equal time to respond, a start and finish time, no raised voice, no ranting, no swearing, no baseless accusations, no lumping you in with other people or groups.
Tell him if it goes well, you will set the topic next time and go from there.
Maybe it’s worth a try! I had to say to my abuser, I won’t keep listening if you drag in others, like ‘you’re just like your father,’ ‘your sister is disgusted with you,’ ‘all women want is X Y Z.’
Go for the things he’s done before and move them firmly off the table.
You could use your phone or a clock to keep time or even record the conversation to keep him on track.
If he starts accusing you or shouting or threatening to throw things, tell him the ‘chat’ is over and you’re not engaging any more.
If he won’t discuss any of this beforehand, you don’t have to participate at all!
If you’re at home, be ready with 999 on speed dial (I had it on 9) and don’t be afraid to call for help. He doesn’t have to tough you for it to assault; just make you fear he might.
Have you somewhere safe to go? If you are the owner or tenant, you can ask the police to help you make him leave.
Good luck, darling,
Flower x
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