Was doing Okay….but feel it is getting harder as time goes on!!

[hoodwinked]

I haven’t been on here for a few weeks, as people were telling me that by keeping ‘educating’ myself I was making it worse or giving ‘labels’ to my ex that wasn’t true!
So still thinking of this, but need help and don’t know where else to go…..my feeling is that the only people who understand is people who have gone through a similar experience.
I was doing okish, then it was my birthday and should have been my (detail removed by Moderator) wedding anniversary (detail removed by Moderator). He sent me a birthday card, so it gave me hope that maybe he had changed his mind, so I phoned him to thank him and of course the conversation went to the situation and no he hadn’t changed his mind, he would never come back to me after causing him so much pain in the emails I had sent him, so I then had self doubt. The end of the conversation he said not to contact him again. I re read all of my emails and most of them was about how I was feeling and I would not accept the things he/is doing, but I had never rejected the ‘essence’ of him……yes sometimes I did call him a ‘B……’ out of frustration.
I then found out that he has already asked our son to go down to (detail removed by Moderator) with him for Christmas……he knows what this would do to me. I have not said anything to our son as I will leave it to his autonomy and not want to cause any more stress for him. I have to accept he is his dad too.

I just feel that he still has the power, so secret and coercive, just like his ‘secret’ behaviour. So he does it in subtle ways that no one else will recognise what he is doing…….so uses sentences like “….morals are too high, she has hurt me so much etc etc. He knows he can still make me ‘bleed’ and slowly coerce others to think his way. My other son who he stays with every week will not answer my emails, texts or telephone calls.

The loneliness is the worst, I am fine at work or when out, it is when I come home to an empty house. I know it is up to me, but hardly anything in my area. I have also realised that ‘friends and family’ disappear. Because I am nearly (detail removed by Moderator) in, I have a feeling they think I should be getting over it. My sister when it first happened promised that she would support me and help where she can……she very rarely contacts me now. Don’t get me I don’t go on about the ex all the time, but find it so hard to keep my emotions in as I am feeling so low. So when attended family events and their life seems so sorted, it makes me feel very sad, as I want to be in a family and be married and have these types of experiences too. I am very happy for them of course I am and I know they have ‘life’ situations too……but it is so hard for me to keep my emotions in.

The other part that is difficult is that I feel I still love my ex…..if he walked through the door now and said sorry and gave me a hug I know I would have him back……but would be disastrous…..it wont happen anyway!! I miss the times he was tender with me, so feeling very lost at the moment. As when people ask me if I am Okay do I lie ‘yes I am fine thanks’ or do I tell the truth and say I am really struggling.

Sorry for long message!!

[Anonymous]

Hi hun i know what its like i loved my ex so so much .but did not deserve the hurt he caused he had no empathy at all .. but the more we think about our abusers the more they win as they are still controlling us. Yes its so hard to move on iam in the same position as you .. small steps hun. You are a brave warrier .. be happy it kills our abusers they want to destroy us .. but nah we are stronger thanks to them .. big hugs hun keep moving forward xx

[hoodwinked]

Thank you lamfree…..I still can’t get it in my head that these people can cause so much hurt to any human being never mind someone they were supposed to love!!
I know I have to keep reminding myself of the hurt, so that I am not ‘hoodwinked’ again….he is so clever with words and putting on the ‘authentic’ person……but I have to keep saying ‘IT IS HIS ACTIONS’ what do they tell me? Unfortunately most people don’t know what his actions were, or look at me and say ‘I can’t believe that of …….”……so the added hurt is that people either disappear or don’t believe you. He knows that so gives him more power……..it is so hard for us women in this. I know one small step at a time in each moment. Thank you and hope you are doing the same too……xxxx

P.S. this site has been my savour in so many ways 🙂

[KIP.]

Hi there, by having contact with him you are just opening wounds and giving him the chance to carry on his hurting you. Can you work on no contact. No contact for abusers is torture. By keeping contact you are allowing him into your headspace. He doesn’t deserve to be in your life. I think it’s more likely you are trauma bonded than actually love him. Who could love someone who is so cruel. Start with 24 hours no contact. Delete his numbers. If you must have contact because of the kids, keep it to the very minimum X

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Hoodwinked, I think with any type of abusive situaiton, it is best to only share your feelings & experiences with people who have also been subject to abuse. Other people just do not understand it at all. They get impatient and annoyed with us. This forum is still my savior, I have recently found out that there are quite a few FB groups that are dedicated to abusive relationships, you can pour your heart out on those, as well as on here. On here and the other groups we all understand the complexities and small but traumatic things that others don’t. I hear what you are saying about loving your husband and accepting him back if he came back. For (a really brief moment) I considered getting back with my ex, this was months ago. I realized that the quality of my life would be basically abysmal compared to the quality of my life without him, it has not been easy as a part of me still cares that he is ok. I think it is trauma bonding that you feel, if you got back with him, after the honeymoon period the cracks would return, they wont have gone away. I have found some new amazing reading on trauma bonding, i will send it to you in a private message. The only thing that I can say is that this distress that you are feeling lessens over time. It is CRUCIAL to maintain full NO Contact to start to feel better though.I know that you are still in touch with him, I think hoping for a glimmer of loving reconciliation. This is really causing you untold negative rejection, its making you feel worse. I remember when I split from my ex I said to myself if somebody loves me that they walk over hot coals for me, nothing will keep them away. He walked away & has never looked back. It has hurt me a lot. I try to be philosophical & say that is fine, i would not want to be with somebody who does not love me, but yes it does hurt. As the time goes on though, only if you maintain strict NC, you start to think and feel differently. The Trauma Bonding creeps in & makes you doubtful & sad along the line but you feel stronger, more confident and calm. I am happy with my life and would not change it though I would be lying if I said I do not think about him a lot. The thinking is me trying to understand how it has just cut off dead when I had whom I thought was a life partner who told me I was his soulmate.

[hoodwinked]

Thank you both…..I have tried no contact for a few weeks, then for one reason or another, mainly to do with our son I see him again…..was the birthday card a form of control because I hadn’t seen him for a few weeks?

Yes I do think you are right it may be trauma bonding and look forward to reading the article. I suppose I am having self-doubt, am I putting things on him that aren’t true? but then when I look at the evidence I no it is true…….had a really bad day!! I am more hurt because he has chose pornography and inappropriate contact with other women on the internet and skype…..this makes me feel as if I have no value at all for someone to do this, no respect for the hurt and pain caused. Last time we spoke he tried to say that this world is made up of many different personalities and that many women who purely love their husband’s accept them and love them even though they are cross dressers or declare they have a different sexual orientation……I know this and accept that there are, and accept people who may be different, but still cannot accept what he does and how it changes him as a person……whilst he is doing all the activities on the internet he wasn’t making a relationship with me……nothing was real!!!

Unfortunately I broke down today with my daughter, I try so hard not too when I am with her, but today is a bad day, I am not sure she understood…..the extent of my pain. Just thinking of him as well walking down the street holding another woman’s hand……I know I am not thinking rationally, I am not well at the moment and I think that is making it worse, as feel more vulnerable being on my own.

[Author]

Posts