15th January 2016 at 7:09 pm #7785
Exactly a week ago I arrived at refuge and what a week it’s been !!!
The main thing is just how happy my little girl is amazing 😍 Watching her play and be a little girl , hasn’t asked for anything or anyone since we left.
I think that I have changed a little bit – started to relax a bit and find my voice and met some amazing people here.
And today I laughed 😀 Something I’ve not done in a long time .
I just wanted to enjoy the weekend with no haste …….. It’s almost like he waited until Friday afternoon to start again so I would be on my own all wkend !
He is saying he is going to go through a solicitor now and that he wants our little girl for wkend . He has told me house is empty this wkend so I can come and collect some things, but he wants us back home.
My friends say don’t go as they think its a trap and he has most prob bugged and cctv in house or is waiting for me to get back to get me 😢
Not even sure I want to go back ever !!
For the first time in a few days I have that dreaded knot in my stomach ….. What if he kicks off this wkend ??? 😢
15th January 2016 at 8:18 pm #7791
Your safe where you are moon,
And the thing is . . . He doesn’t control you now, you don’t have to do what he says, there won’t be the repucussion as were, because you have taken yourself and your daughter away from that situation.
I guess it will take a while for this to sink in and settle down after all the time you were living under his regime, but when he gives his orders, just take a while to calm yourself and remind yourself that he’s not calling the shots, and you don’t have to jump to it anymore.
Continue with your plan to relax this weekend and enjoy the difference,
Contact can keep, let him do as he threatens, some do, some just threaten.
That decision isn’t going to be speedy anyway, and remember that you need the ok from child services before then and I expect they will want you to have the time you deserve to get over what you have already been through first.
Likely it is a trap, so continue to stay safely where you are.
When you are ready, to get further belongs, support will be set up so you don’t go alone, you can speak to your support worker, and the police when YOU ARE READY, NOT WHEN HE DICTATES,
Yep, ((((big hugs))))
You are doing soooooo well
X x x
15th January 2016 at 8:31 pm #7793Falling SkysParticipant
So pleased to hear that you have laugh and you daughter is settled.
We are so well trained to jump when they say its hard not to, but you talking to us and your friends that you have realised that its wrong and you need reassurance that its right you not doing what he says. I know because I have been through that stage.
Enjoy your weekend, access issues, where you live can wait, your in a safe place take time to heel.
As Daisy says you’re doing so well.
15th January 2016 at 9:02 pm #7795
Thank you so much , I feel that you have all been on my journey and omg it’s been a tough rollercoaster.
It’s so hard to realise that you are safe but it’s sooo scarey aswell.
Just want to enjoy this moment of not being hurt inside or out as I’m sure you all understand what that means x*x
15th January 2016 at 9:09 pm #7796
I am so proud of you so pleased to read that you have laughed today! It’s really brightened up my day. Don’t let him weasel his way in. Enjoy your weekend as you had already planned to and let him dig himself a hole. X
15th January 2016 at 9:23 pm #7798
You know what ???
This having a bad day ..need to turn into having a good day !!!!
I’m still alive , haven’t been hurt physically , sexually for a week!!! ( still hurting from last assault and emotionally being hurt)
But ……. I’ve survived a week 😀😀😀😀
And it’s a nice feeling
Just got to decide of to go to police now or not !!
15th January 2016 at 9:31 pm #7799
You have done incredibly!!!
I found going to the police meant that going back on my decision would be much harder… So I did it!! Just make sure I never went back.
I’ve been through criminal court and family court for kids (11 times so far) so can help you through if you decide to. If you don’t I will support you through that too.
Very proud right now x
15th January 2016 at 9:46 pm #7801
Thank you so much winterblues2
Am trying so hard to stay loyal ( as that’s all I know)
But also wouldn’t want anyone else to be hurt- I certainly don’t think I’ve escaped the death sentence yet so also need to protect me and my little girl …. But feel sooo degraded to speak about my life and he will also most prob get put inside xx
15th January 2016 at 9:47 pm #7803Confused123Participant
Well done for getting through your first week, please do report him , I know u may be finding it hard but till us ladies don’t stop reporting them this is the only way the cycle will break by us ladies coming forward otherwise these evil men will keep getting away with it, they have to be brought forwarded so us ladies don’t keep becoming statistics of victims
15th January 2016 at 9:53 pm #7804
That was one of my concerns if he killed me …… I would just become a statistic !! 😢😢xx
15th January 2016 at 10:17 pm #7813LisaMain Moderator
Moon you are doing incredibly well. Keep on with those positive thoughts and like the other women have said, make the next few steps when you are ready.
You are amazing and an inspiration to all of us.
16th January 2016 at 12:11 am #7819Confused123Participant
Have faith in yourself Hun , make yourself strong then get justice for yourself cause he had no right to hUrt u like that ,u survived ….
16th January 2016 at 6:18 am #7823InneedofsomepeaceParticipant
Moon, you are doing so well. I would absolutely go to the police i did, but ultimatly that is your choice to make.as a dear frie d said to me and i quote “you know what he might well go to prison but it is HIS behaviour that will cause that not you, you have nothing to feel guilty for” ok i’m still tryi g to accept this but deep down i know It’s right. It may also give you time to heal if he can’t contact you.
Do you need to collect things from the house? I would go with the police if you do.
You’re doing so well!! The only person you need to be loyal to is YOU!!!
16th January 2016 at 7:12 am #7824
Two things I feel help here,
If a stranger treated you in any such way, what would you do ?
And if I told you your story as if it was happening to me- what would you advise me to do?
Sometimes when we take out the person and emotions like loyalty, etc and just concentrate on the abuse/ crimes they dished out we can see things clearer.
It is always hard knowing someone could/ would loose their job or freedom,
By reporting them but if they hadn’t done it then they wouldn’t be in this position, and most probably if they aren’t made to face the consequences they will feel even more powerful that they got away with it and do it again, if not to you to someone else, and you can count on them denying it ever happened in years to come too, saying you made it up or it’s in your head, or you are mad.
But you don’t need to decide yet and I like the idea of you both just doing as you planned
X x x
16th January 2016 at 9:13 am #7825White RoseParticipant
Hi Moon you are amazing! What progress in a week. You should feel very proud of yourself.
It’s an incredibly difficult decision about involvimg police. I’m stuck with it too. The harm he did and continues to try to do to me is emotional but recently has turned to getting at me professionally and bad mouthing me in social circles. I’m powerless to stop him but don’t want to get police involved and I know it will escalate his behaviour. On the other hand it’s something I really want to do for me my daughter and my reputation as a well known “professional” in the area I live in as well in tbe wider field of my work.
I want get him to hurt him to name and shame him and in want him out or our lives. If I’m lucky he’ll get a talking to from police it wont be more unless I pursue the rapes but there’s no evidence just my word against his. you’ve got real hard evidence of severe abuse. If you go to police they’ll probably pursue a criminal investigation for your level of harm and hopefully lock him up to protect others from him too.
The difference in our abuse is miles apart but the decision is just as tough. I keep picking phone up to ring police. I’ve even done an email to the police DA worker I was allocated months ago with examples of his messages but I never sent it.
We’re probably both scared of the process. Scared of the consequences. Scared we’ll not be believed and scared that it will just make it worse.
My head says do it and my head wants to say to you to do it too! But I wish it was that easy.
Your daughter’s younger than mine. Mines had years of subtle abuse from her dad. She’s an emotional wreck at the moment and it’s seriously affecting her work and worsening her chronic health problem. Maybe if I’d recognised his behaviour as abuse and done something years ago she and I would be better now? I don’t know.
Ultimately you have to do what feels ok to you. Youre in a good place to talk to others and hear others stories as well as posting here.
Maybe I’m trying to say don’t leave it too long to decide? Maybe I’m writing this to convince myself we all need to report these incidents more often and i need to report mine too?
Whatever you decide is fine as it’s your decision made by you who is the only person who really truly knows what his abuse was like.
Keep being amazing. Love and hugs xxxxx
16th January 2016 at 10:47 am #7829
Thank you all so much for such sound advice.
I just don’t get it, I feel like all my strength has just been sucked out of me in just a few minutes.
I let him speak to our little girl and then he spoke to me, said that he has never said anything bad about me (Sw must have made that bit up!!)
I am killing him 😢He can’t bare to stay at our house at the mo as it reminds him of our little girl.
He said he will back to work Monday and wants to spend time with her and he will be fine if I take her to him.
Just don’t know what to do now!!!
How can he make me feel that I’m such a bad person when I only left because of him 😢
16th January 2016 at 10:54 am #7831
Do I trust him and risk taking her too him?
He said it’s too long for them not to see each other and I wouldn’t dare tell Him that she hasn’t asked for him once or home and how happy and settled she is !!
Just wanted a nice wkend with no pressure.
Feel like I have really let myself down by letting her speak with him….. Just wanted to do the right thing and don’t understand why I still worry about him so much and his feelings 😢😢xx
16th January 2016 at 11:28 am #7833White RoseParticipant
He’s having exactly the effect on you he wants – he’s making you doubt yourself, he’s giving you butterflies. It’s yet more of his abusive behaviour.
Why does he do it on weekends? Because he’s clever and knows its “family time” for many and he’ll get to your soft spot and maybe he realises you’re support networks are more fragile?
Regardless of it he is trying to reel you in again.
You say your daughter is happier – keep focussed on that. You feel stronger except when he’s getting at you. Use no contact, don’t rise to the bait and please please please do not go back. You said you’d worry you may be another statistic, I’d rather you stayed Moon xxxx
16th January 2016 at 11:37 am #7835
Thank you white rose
I know what you say is exactly right and
Am so trying to stay focused.
He has proper got to me – with his promise of he is not going to do anything me, just wants to see his daughter- I keep thinking what if he can’t cope with the situation….. That’s crazy isn’t it !!
My heart is beating so fast at the mo as can’t believe I’m actually looking at places I could get to so I can facilite his demands.
Why am I still sooo scared of going against him ! 😢😢
16th January 2016 at 12:12 pm #7836
Don’t go anywhere to meet up with him moon,
That’s my heart felt advice to you right now as if you were my own daughter,
To just pick out the legal planning, child services side of things
They will be expecting you to show that you can keep your daughter safe and that includes keeping your daughter safe from seeing her mother be upset, spoken to as he would if you went or worse.
It’s no good saying later you felt he wouldn’t or he said he wouldn’t-
The reality is he has done just that before, and is most probably trying to do just that again, and honestly I feel that is how they see it.
They spelt this out last weekend, and that’s what they do,
Spell it out and watch what you do,
Why do I say this , because we have had others before report this on here,
And their heartbreak after,
That relaxing no pressure weekend is waiting for you moon,
You just need to switch your phone on silent,
Please don’t feel I am telling you what to do or not do, if we were on the old forum I could refer you to similar old posts,ladies were pressured to do just this sort of thing, fell foul of legal planning and their partners thoroughly enjoyed their pain.
The alternative view is you got away, stayed safe, stood firm despite how hard it all was and things get closed their end and we all cheer with you,
Sending you virtual strength to not change your decision of earlier,
Relaxing, fun and smiles and laughing, good easy time just the two of you, there safe and sound
X x x
16th January 2016 at 6:34 pm #7851
I so wish I had a mum right now 😢😢
I totally hear what you are saying – and I’ve had such a lovely day today with friends who I have met up with – and each one has commented on how chilled out both myself and my daughter is.
I think the only reason I am contemplating him seeing her tomor is because I still care about his feelings maybe through fear or maybe from my heart, I don’t know.
But if I want to put us first then she hasn’t asked to see him so it’s only for him and you are soo right I would not be safeguarding her or me and that’s the reason I have gone through hell this wkend .
It’s sooo tough xx
16th January 2016 at 10:13 pm #7857
It is exhaustingly tough moon you are right, but it is sooo worth it. Imagine how you would feel if you were to meet with him and how he treats you, now compare that with your love of your new found freedom! 2 weeks ago this man attacked you with bleach, I truly understand why you feel drawn back but you need to keep you and your daughter safe. Do not go near him and if you can draw the strength call the police and report all that you can. For me it was a huge weight off my shoulders x*x
16th January 2016 at 11:15 pm #7863
It’s perfectly normal to still have his needs in you head moon, and to think about his feelings, just don’t act on them.
continue to only act using your head and on what is best for you and your daughter, not him at cost to you two.
Lovely to hear that you had a good day and got more proof from your friends that you are doing the right thing,
And bless you moon, I know it can’t really compare but you have many virtual mum’s and sisters on here, thinking of you, caring about you and willing you on to get through tomorrow safely.
X x x
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