Was I raped? Is it just his disability?

[FallingAutumnLeaf]

So, I’ve been in this relationship with a man who was (detail removed by Moderator) diagnosed with (detail removed by Moderator). It effects his social cues, his memory, & it apparently causes him to “black out” to which he does things or says things he says he doesn’t remember or that he wouldn’t usually do without his disorder. It makes forgiving him hard, but also makes leaving him hard. I love him & understand that he has this disease, but the things he keeps doing are getting worse & the times his brain is okay are getting shorter. The reason that I’ve come here started (detail removed by Moderator) ago. We live together, but he started to talk to me less & he stopped be affectionate. When I would ask him what’s wrong, he would tell me that he’s not happy & that he just doesn’t enjoy being affectionate with me anymore. He chocked it up to being depressed. I never pushed him to do anything physical, but I still continued to try to show him that he’s loved. Then, after (detail removed by Moderator) of being ignored & rejected, he told me that I don’t make him happy & that if I left, he wouldn’t stop me. It hurt really bad, but it wasn’t new considering his condition. He has a pattern of saying terrible things & then saying he didn’t mean it. Later that night, as we went to bed, he started trying to have sex with me. Considering the last (detail removed by Moderator) & what he had said (detail removed by Moderator) prior, I wasn’t in the mood. Honestly, I was confused. No matter how many times I said no, stop, or pulled away from him, he kept pulling me back. Then he got mad at me after all of my obvious objections. He told me (detail removed by Moderator). He told me that (detail removed by Moderator), meaning if I don’t have sex with him that it will make him more suicidal. He called me a bad girlfriend. He would (detail removed by Moderator). All while I’m crying & telling him to stop. I probably got (detail removed by Moderator) of sleep that night. I was afraid to turn my back from him or go to sleep. Then in the morning, he started back again. While I was asleep, he come up behind me & penetrated me again. I begged him to stop. I said no. (detail removed by Moderator). He eventually stopped. He (detail removed by Moderator). He then made me breakfast and it seemed from then on his brain was back together. It took me (detail removed by Moderator) to bring it up to him, he told me that he didn’t remember any of it. The next day was (detail removed by Moderator) so I tried to move on & I did, but not for long. We got in a fight over it. He screamed at me & gaslighted me. Basically said I’m stupid & that I don’t understand his disorder. He said he technically didn’t do it, that his disorder did it. He said sorry. Period. I’ve been numb for (detail removed by Moderator). I’m not sure what to call what happened. Was it rape? Am I just being dramatic? He’s done things sexually against my wishes before, like inseminating me when I tell him not to or begging me until I say yes, but this time it just feels worse. He continues to go about his days like normal. I don’t know what to do. I also have a disability that makes it hard to work. I live with him & am currently unemployed. I’ve been trying to get a remote job, but no one seems to want to hire right now or there’s just too many applicants. I’m completely isolated from family & friends. No one knows about his condition or how he is & absolutely no one I know has room for me to move in with them. I feel stuck. Do I believe that it’s just his condition & hope that we find something that ends up healing him or do I just give up on this man that I’ve loved for all of these years & end up homeless & jobless? I’m scared & confused.

[Anonymous]

Firstly I’m sorry you have endured this ordeal with your partner . What you describe is rape , you said NO ! He still continued, even if you are in a relationship and he forces you to have sex without you consenting it is still classed as rape . I have heard of people who suffer from brain injuries behaving in this way also that you describe, but is he receiving any treatment? As this behaviour your experiencing from him cannot go on , I’m especially concerned you say he says he blacks out , has no recollection of what has happened or what he has done ? This could lead to something very sinister if he has a black mood or again blacks out . Can you try contacting any of his doctors or mental health team if he has any to ask for assistance and maybe a chat with rape crisis for you or the domestic abuse helpline . Even if he has a disability he is hurting you in every way , this is not a safe , loving relationship for you & if he needs more professional help he needs to go and get it as he must see from what you tell him that it’s not ok to do these things . I would also for your safety try and seek refuge somewhere as it’s worryingly dangerous living as you are xx

[Lisa]

Hi FallingAutumnLeaf,

I can see The Duchess has given you some insightful advice and support. What you are going through is most definitely sexual assault/rape, so it’s important your able to get the specialist help you need to address what you are going through.

Rape Crisis would be an ideal service to speak to for support. Your local domestic abuse service will also be a good source of help as they can provide both emotional and practical support.

I hope these links are useful to you and can start to provide an insight into all the options you have right now to be safe and well. Keep posting to let us know how you are.

Take care,

Lisa

[Hereforhelp]

Hey FallingAL, what he has done is rape/sexual assault. He also gaslights you and uses his condition as an excuse. What he is doing to you is nit only inexcusable it is also against the law.

I am so sorry he is doing this to you. Perhaps you could speak to a female GP to talk things through with and start to get support? Or ring Womans Aid to talk to or message them? I also found my Local Citizens.Advice.Bureou helpful but that depends on the area you live in.

Keep posting, you do not have to go through this alone ❤

[Anonymous]

Hes hurting you so whatever his condition is is irrelevant the repercussions of everything are the main thing and they are he’s hurt you, you can love him all you want but loving someone doesn’t mean staying to be potentially assaulted again, what if you’d got pregnant by him? What if he “blacked” out and hurt the baby? your not responsible for him, if he knew enough to pressurise you a time when you didn’t want to he obviously understands somebody doesn’t want something to be able to pressure in the first place? You need to keep yourself safe now and the only way is to get far away from him 💛🧡💛

[Littlenightmare]

Oh my God… This is 100% rape. Having a mental disorder is never an excuse, it is at best an explanation but this sounds like he’s just making up blacking out when its convenient. He’s using his mental health as a manipulation technique. I’m so sorry this has been happening to you.

He should be in jail. And don’t think he doesn’t know what he’s doing – he may play dumb but he’s well aware.

No means no whatever excuse anyone uses.

My ex used to use his mental issues as a reason for his behaviours. Funnily enough he didn’t seem to do the bad things to other people – just me! I imagine it’s the same story for you… I bet he’s not accidentally raping other people then blacking out.

[Author]

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