Was I Wrong?

[Serenity]

I posted yesterday how my eldest came out with how my ex had said I had pilfered thousands from an account.

All untrue. The ludicrous reality is that I trusted him, never questioned his financial dealings, and was left with him hiding masses of money and leaving me below zero.

When my mum divorced my dad, she leaned on us for years, confiding intimate details and generally not even considering our own hurt. We were just there as an ear piece- or at least, I was.

When my ex left, I had some kind of a breakdown, PTSD – the works, mainly because he was threatening me etc.

I was a trembling mess for months.

I feel so bad that my kids saw me like this, that with my DV worker’s guidance, I decided to shield my kids from my vulnerabilities. I never talk about their dad or bad mouth him. I want them to make up their own minds and come to their own truth- at least my eldest needs to. My youngest, I need to be alert for safeguarding issues with my ex. And with both, my life daily is countering his destructive influence indirectly.

However, last night, my son came out with his dad’s accusation, that I had taken money.

As nothing could be further from the truth, I was taken aback and shocked. I had been anxious, because my ex hadn’t been stirring for a whole: I was expecting something, but not such a blatant lie.

In that moment, I felt I needed to state the truth, that his dad had told him a lie. Because I can’t have my son thinking I am a liar, or money-minded. This will impact on my son’s thoughts about parental help in the future: who pays his uni fees etc.

My ex left me penniless: I can’t have my son believe I am someone I am not!

I simply stated that he was being lied to.

But now, I feel guilty about even rising to it.

Many friends and family say I am protecting my kids too much from the truth, that they need to know. I just want them to have a life shielded from the ugly truth. I don’t want to destroy their faith in human nature.

My eldest hasn’t seen his dad for over a month. He ignores his calls, I think. I suppose you might say then that he knows what his dad is.

But this latest tactic, of making me out to be someone I am not is damaging.

Was I wrong to state the truth to my son? He is nearly A’level age- he’s not a minor. But all ages have vulnerabilities, I know x

[Falling Skys]

Hi Serenity

I think you handled the situation excellently, a lie was told and brought to your attention and you dealt with it. It was your ex that has caused your situation not you.

Your son ask a question and has the right to know the truth. This will help him in the adult world.

I kept everything from my children and that has caused my abuser to make problems between my children and I. I’ve just didn’t wont them involved.

FS xx

[White Rose]

I don’t think you were wrong. My daughter sounds a similar age to your son, don’t be afraid to tell him how you feel.
I have to admit I’ve given up keeping quiet about what he’s put me through emotionally and financially to my daughter as I am so fed up of her attitude to me when I can’t afford what she has been used to and to continue to expecting the same quality of life we had when we were living with him. I’ve started saying things as they are, he’d say I’d “bad mouthed him” to her – bit all I’ve done is simply tell the truth. It’s made her angry, she’s been evil to live with, sulky, ignorant and abusive towards me but she seems finally to be getting it. I accused her of being a bully recently and she didn’t like it, but I was so fed up of her wittering on about what she wanted and would not take no for an answer. I simply said “I am sick and tired of you bullying me constantly, I’m not giving in to this, I had enough of that with your dad and I’m not going back to that life again. That’s where you’ve learned how to bully me too, I want you to stop it and respect me”. She was absolutely livid but actually it seems to have helped. She’s backed off and calmed down, seems to have changed her attitude.
It will probably come back to bite me but I’m so sick of taking c**p from her all the time that I didn’t want her growing up accepting that behaviour as the norm, she’s got a long life of relationships ahead of her and she needs to earn what’s not acceptable

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

you didnt do nothing wrong, i think very similar to you and when i left i never bad mouth my ex to kids even though ex family said i was depress to kids. Im actually at point where i said to my eldest son the other day even though his your dad, he does emotional mess with your head and passes his negative energy onto you and i would highly recommend you dont keep the contact with him.I didnt feel bad , because sometimes truth has to be pointed out,maybe as kids they r in denial and dont know how to handle scenario. I spoke to both kids yesterday about what scenario we were in and how we came out of it , i told my son who felt it a few months ago that i now have to pay this joint loan some home truths, they do need to hear it. I say to my sons me and your dad have a lot of issues to get through but leave us as parents/adults to deal with it , u dont need to take the pressure or get involved, i state people will say lies about me but deep down they know the truth and truth always wins and upholds in the end . Again like i say we all have different views and parent styles , dont doubt yourself

[Serenity]

Thank you all for your help on this.

Yes, my gut tells me I was right to say this, that there are times when equilibrium needs to be restored by stating the truth ( especially if the lie is a big fat one!).

Also, my son is older, and whilst I know he needs peace and security, as his dad was and is so unkind to him, he is also growing up and needs to be told the bare bones of the financial abuse when really needed. Also, the fact that I told him outright that my ex has lied will also reaffirm his own thoughts, if his dad is lying to him and being abusive – and maybe help him to make the right decisions too about his dad.

Thank you, all. Protecting them is one thing, but allowing them to believe an absolutely twisted version of reality is another. My eldest needs truth, but in small amounts.

I was so cut up by this event that I began to feel attacked by my son- though I know he didn’t mean it- he was just relating information, or maybe wanted me to explain. So the panic started creeping in again. But I told myself my old adage, which I used to do and seemed to have forgot this time: when my kids are horrid to me or seem to question me/ are being manipulated, think in terms of 70/30: yes, I am their mum and that is very important, but I am only 70% a mum- I am 30% pure me, and I can hibernate into myself and self-care in moments that I feel set upon.

Even of either of my kids heads were to be turned by him for a while, I am strong enough to handle it. It would be allowing them to find out their own truth, and playing the long game.

X*x

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