Was it abuse if I had never met him?

[queenmaeve]

I may have mentioned this before. I made friends with a man and feelings grew on both sides. He started behaving very strange and I knew he had issues and drank but I tried to help him. He ended up being extremely abusive, mentally and verbally. He would tell me when I was allowed to speak and I ended up losing all of my self-confidence but he was like a drug, nice one day and horrid the next. I cut off contact but I still keep thinking how he is. Why did I let this happen?

[fizzylem]

Hey QM, ahh, yes me too, sounds like you could have made a similar mistake to me. I could see he had issues but thought I could connect with him human to human and help him, allured by his charismatic charm too, his eyes could pull me in for sure; this led me to put to one side or forgive anything that left me feeling uncomfortable, putting his needs and happiness before my own. Kind of worked for a bit, but it’s not sustainable is it, we have needs too. This is not an equal relationship, in a healthy relationship we respect one another and give space for one another, only in these toxic relationships we give and give and he takes and takes, he comes to see our support as something he needs all the time, in a healthy relationship we step in when our partner needs support then step out again when he is ok and he does the same for us, I found I got to a point where I never stepped out, he always wanted me to do for him – he saw this as my role and function. Suppose when we love someone we give selflessly hey so it takes a while to realise I’m not really getting anything back – bar abuse. I also learnt over time that when I really did need him on occassion he simply wasnt there – or if I was able to confide in him about how I felt he’d use it against me – throw it in my face at some point – call me out on being weak, not weak at all was it, everyone feels vulnerable now and again and feels in need of a hug and some kindness.

Ive learnt that those relationships that start off with me being an emotional support only continue to be this way and are not equal. Its not usually a good starting block. Shared interests, same place at the same time eg work, being a mum, having a giggle and some fun first is where all of my close relationships started.

There will have been things you no doubt swept under the carpet – maybe in the name of love? Think back and try to recall some of the things that simply didnt sit with you – perhaps at that time you knew this but didnt know what to do about it? So did nothing, I know this was me for a long long time, especially once we were living together x

[queenmaeve]

Oh Fizzylem you have it spot on! I was just trying to help him with his problems at the time but it was as if he overtook my brain and I was not thinking rationally. I have not spoken to him for a while but a part of me misses the laughs and chat yet the other half of me is glad to be out of it. Thank you so much for replying x

[fizzylem]

Yes can relate, it’s like it becomes all about him and your brain is so busy with dealing with the next thing – its like being on an over ride. Also, I signed up and thought that’s it, we’re together forever, it never entered my head that my committment to him ended when he started to be abusive as I didnt actually sign up for that! Neither did you hey. Wont happen to us again though will it x

[hop]

You didn’t let it happen. It happened because you tried to help someone who you thought was worth your time. I think we get hard wired to ignore what’s under our noses even when deep down we know it’s not right. Don’t blame yourself he did this.

[queenmaeve]

Thanks so much for replying Fizzy and Freedom. I have cut contact but felt like I’m going mad xx

[Author]

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