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I have recently left my boyfriend of (removed by moderator) years because I think he was emotionally abusive. It took me long time to come out and speak to those around me and explain what had been happening because it made me feel so much guilt and like I was playing the victim- he used to tell me that when I said something it made him look like a bad person and would say ‘why would you tell people that’. About (removed by moderator) months ago is the first time I properly spoke to a close friend about this. When I was telling she told me straight away that what was happening was abusive but I was convinced that it wasn’t true, I still inside felt like I didn’t want to make him look like a bad person and always tried to justify what he did. I had never before even considered that is was abuse because he had never hit me. But thinking back he did bite me, pull my hair, spit, throw things at me and break my stuff when he was angry. This is all very confusing for me because he wasn’t like this all the time only when he was angry and other times he was so loving and would tell me that I’m perfect and how much he loved me, wanted to marry me and have children with me. Then when he was angry it was like a completely different person he was call me names, say racist things, say things about my family and would say he wishes I would die or kill myself. I know all of this stuff is so wrong but I cant help but feel like I am the one that made him angry in the first place, so isn’t it partly my fault? Also for a long time i stayed at his house with him and his mum. I became very close to his mum as I didn’t really speak to my friend or family as much anymore. She was always so nice to me and they said I was part of the family which is why now saying this makes me feel awful but she saw him do this to me and he would speak to her in the same way. Thinking about it now being so close to her made me feel as if the way he treated me was normal at the time. He would constantly lie and cheat but she would tell me he loved me and that it would break him If I left him.
(Removed by moderator) my mum was speaking to his mum on the phone and had said to her that the way he act is not okay, how I was treat similar to a slave and she was considering calling the police at one point. This made them both angry and they both said that i could have left if I wanted to and nobody forced me to stay and he said he will never call me again which makes me feel like I’m going crazy and what I’m saying wasn’t a reality for me. I’m not sure if any of this makes sense but it has all happened so quickly and I feel so much guilt like was I playing along with it? because I feel like there were good times, so am I wrong for focusing on that bad ones? I so confused.
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Hello and welcome. I really wish people would stop saying things like ‘she could’ve left anytime, why did she stay if it was that bad etc’, because if it was that easy abusers wouldn’t exist and we’d all be much richer, happier people. What you’ve put above certainly ticks a lot of the abusive behaviour boxes. The hooking you in with good times, the explosions, the criticism and expecting you to change etc. Well done for leaving. His mum will probably always defend her son and either she’s not seen that side to him or has similar traits herself maybe, either way your battle isn’t to convince others your feelings/experiences are valid – you know what you went through, your focus needs to be recovering and understanding how to avoid similar behaviour in future partners. xx
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Hi didiimagineit,
Welcome to the forum. I’m sure you’ll soon find that so many other women here will relate very much to your experience. I hope you can begin to get more clarity and perspective on the dynamics of what you went through in you relationship so you can be confident in knowing the guilt you feel is misplaced but completely natural.
Emotional/psychological abuse will often confuse and leave you feeling conflicting emotions. Allow yourself to feel all these emotions, and be kind to yourself as you heal and move on.
You may find it useful to do the Freedom Programme to help process as that you have been through. It is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK.
You could also try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200.
Do keep posting. You are not alone in how you feeling.
All the best,Lisa
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Hello @didiimagineit,
It was abuse, no doubt about it. You mentioned in the beginning that it was emotional abuse but from what you wrote after it was also physical, so do not minimise your experience. We tend to do this, so I can relate and understand… we have all stayed and focused on the good then. But some things tip the scales, and if he has a pattern of behaving like that, then you should keep your health safe – both the physical and the mental one. My ex is also like a Jekyll/Hyde situation. He says the most beautiful, ego-boosting things that I would like to just soak up and hear repeatedly – that I’m a queen, that I am special, etc. But he has also said the most cruel and vile things about me anyone has ever said. And that is something very difficult to erase. The bad moments will stick in your mind because your brain is being your friend and trying to protect you.
Another thing I have noticed in your post is that the mom is an enabler, probably because she has been suffering with similar. She is minimising it as well, and I know how difficult it is to have a close bond with someone that does not seem to see the problem… my ex’s mom was a bit like that, though I suspect she was a narc, not exactly an enabler in the same sense, maybe. In the end she was partly the reason why I got back in contact with him. So that’s why I am pointing this out. If she hasn’t supported you so far and pointed out her son’s bad behaviour, she might be just another reason to keep you stuck or coming back. Someone who sees this type of behaviour against someone else should do something… we tend to protect ourselves last and save others first.
Like you I protected him and only started talking to people about the abuse after we broke up… And that can make you so isolated… It’s not good, because you start thinking this is normal, and you don’t get anyone trying to protect you, just toxic people that tell you this is how it is.
Please reach out to friends and family if you can, and put your health first.
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