Was it consensual?

[sunshineandhope]

My ex finance and I seperated and I moved in with a friend. I went on a night out and ended up alone. I believe my ex called me (I can’t be completely sure I didn’t call him) and came and picked me up whilst I waited for my friend and his house.

He claims we began to have consensual sex. I remember passing out, waking up and he was having sex with me. I burst into tears. He then carried on having sex with me. He claims he comforted me and I was happy to carry on. I don’t remember it this way, but my memory is really foggy because I was very drunk.

Now I’ve left the relationship and created space from him I’m beginning to see our relationship was far more abusive than I realised. I always knew the big incidents were abuse, but it’s the little day in day out things that I’m struggling with and coming to terms with. It was mostly verbal and emotional, threats and some ‘minor’ violent incidents. But recently that night has been really playing on my mind. I feel really uncomfortable and don’t believe i was able to actually consent at any point, but especially when passed out/after crying. He has tried to convince me it was.

I don’t know how to process it. Am I just making it a bigger deal than it was?

[Mellow]

You must get therapy about this from experience this is a hard case to prove one more so because you were under the influence.Do you remember much about the conversation if he called you .what was said anything you can remember?what about when he picked you up.what was the reason he picked you up.was anything said here about why he was picking you up.was he taking you to his house?why was he taking you to his house.what happened when you got to the house did the event take place as soon as you got in .where where you .do you remember any conversation taking place before this happened

[sunshineandhope]

Thank you for replying.

I am trying to seek help. It is proving difficult having left the relationship. Most of the organisations in the area are targeted towards people in the relationship.

I remember that there was a call and that we agreed he would pick me up so I was ‘safe’ as I was alone. I don’t think much was said between getting to his house and the incident. I’ll think about your questions.

Thanks again for replying!

[nbumblebee]

You need to talk this through with a counsellor.
I always blamed myself for having sex with a family member of mine. I always blamed myself fwlt disgusted angry and hated myself for allowing it. Ive been seeing a counsellor for self harm and she has helped me talk it over remember what happened as my memory is very hazy as like you i had been drinking but i beleved i only had 1.
I now remember waking up to find him on top of me i tried im sure to push him off he held me down and at one point covered my mouth with his hand.
I remember him laughing as i tried to kick him off. I now believe he spiked my drink. I dont remember much more just how much pain i was in afterwards. I have just recently realised this was rape. That ive spent 20 years blaming myself making myself suffer for something that wasnt really all my fault. Dont do that. Talk this theough with a professional sweetie let them guide you theough and help you. Sending hugs x

[sunshineandhope]

I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you. You are so brave and very strong! I am seeking help but it’s proving hard to find in my area as I have left the relationship. Hopefully I can find the help I need soon.

I think in my heart I know what happened but it’s proving hard to admit it to myself.

Thank you for replying.

[KIP.]

Rape crisis have a helpline which is great and also take a look online at Thames Valley Police Video ‘a cup of tea’. It’s about consent. You can also talk to the police.if they question him he may well drop himself in it. These men have such a sense of entitlement.

[sunshineandhope]

Thank you so much. I watched it. Very poignant. I think it tells me a lot.

I also think I will contact rape crisis to discuss what happened.

Thank you again for your message

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry were you already drunk when he met or called you or did you drink together as a similar incident happened to me with my ex and I was spiked by him , luckily for me I threw up and managed to get myself together and leave before anything had happened, but he tried to say I wouldn’t remember anything and I did even asking him to get help and he just left me on the floor of a building passed out , I think in my case it was to take pictures and have sex with me , this is why I ask if it’s a possibility of spiking .

[sunshineandhope]

I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you. I had been out with friends and ended up left alone so when we spoke on the phone, from my perspective I thought it was to make sure I was safe and not alone in the city.

I don’t believe spiking was a possibility. Thanks you for your message.

[Grey Rock]

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. One of the best things I watched to clarify the issue of consent is the video about consent and a cup of tea. Just google ‘tea consent ‘.

Have you considered the Freedom Program. This is geared towards those of us who are now away from the abuser and trying to recover from what happened and trying to make sense of it all, and helping us to stay safe in the future. It was one of the best things I did.

GR x

[sunshineandhope]

Thank you so much. I have watched it and especially towards the end, it completely resonates with me.

Can you advise how I find access to the freedom program? Can I do it online. There’s no suitable places in my area offering it unfortunately.

Thanks for your message x

[Grey Rock]

Yes. You can sign up and do it online. I don’t think we’re allowed to post links on the forum though. I’ll send it by private message

GR xx

[Anonymous2022]

I’m so sorry this happened to you. You’re very strong for reaching out and talking about it. I think if you have to ask if it was consensual than it probably wasn’t. I had a lot of great support from Victim Support. They have a web chat that you can use if you feel more comfortable not talking. They’ve linked me to a lot of good resources.

Wishing you all the kindness and strength x

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