Was it me? Or was it him?

[Yellowflower]

I’ve been out a short while and am trying to make sense of it all. Some days it’s clear and other days I’m overcome with self doubt and I can’t get it out my head. I worry I did the wrong thing leaving and that it wasn’t that bad and that maybe I played my part in it to. So does that make me abusive? I guess I should give you a little back ground as best I can and I’d be so great full if any of you could help me understand it. I can honestly say when I met my soul mate I thought he was unreal I thought I’d hit the jack pot. Good looking and an amazing personality none stop laughs. He worked away at times which I found hard but he always made the effort when he was back. We went to some amazing countries and beautiful places I felt like a princess. Slowly I can see now things changed. I’ve read a lot about red flags. Maybe these were but I just so in love with him I ignored them. I found he had a switch. The screaming shouting ignoring me for days saying we were finished became a regular occurrence. I would panick so much thinking I’d lost the man I loved and wasn’t sure what I was doing wrong but I’d beg for forgiveness. My partner seemed to always have w problem with me going out. The drama would be created or he would guilt trip me saying he had organised to take us somewhere and now I had ruined it. One day I borrowed his lap top and found dozens of messages to other girls very explicit messages. I walked but again he talked me round somehow. I became so jealous so paranoid which really wasn’t like me. I’m ashamed to say I checked his laptop regularly. Is that terrible? Because I was checking up on him. There were a number of violent episodes were he lost it with me. Somehow I always felt they were my fault I had caused them some how. As daft as it sounds I do forget how bad the violent episodes were because for the verbal abuse is what sticks with me the most. I tried so many diff aproaches to get him to stop.. shout back, say nothing, talk calmly back. Nothing worked. I longed for the times he would work away and that terrible isn’t it. I felt I couldn’t do a thing right for him whatever I did was wrong or was criticised. I tried so hard to be someone he wanted I listened to the things that annoyed him but I just didn’t seem to make him happy. I often felt not good enough and c**p about who I was and why I couldn’t be enough for him. We went on to have children and I stupidly in my head thought that would be the turning point for us. It wasn’t things got a lot worse in pregnancy and after. My parner changed jobs and was at home alot more and I just couldnt cope a moment longer and I begged him to get help. My parner saw a councillor a few times on his own and seemed better for it for a short while. But it didn’t last he seemed to resent that I had made him get help I don’t think he believed he had a problem he believe I was the issue. I had to get out for my sanity and I felt our children didn’t deserve it. I think I’d still be there if it wasn’t for them. But and here’s the big but he could be amazing he could be such a different person I saw these glimmers at times and that’s what I’m missing now. A family member of mine is terminal and I long for his arms round me telling me it’s going to be ok. Am I minimising the abuse or had I got it wrong? I know theres parts I can see are abusive but was it as bad as sometime I feel it was. Was there hope and was I wrong to check up on him like I did. That isn’t me to do things like that it really isn’t. I just need some opinions so I feel like this was all worth it like I’m doing the right thing here.

[diymum@1]

ive had some experience off this. someone said earlier on here abusers use guilt on us and this gets engrained in us id say. he sounds like he needs validation from other women which shows deep down he has a low sense off self esteem. checking up on him is only natural its not abusive and its not being jealous your rightly protecting yourself and in this instance id do the same and i have. he is obviously very controlling too when he objected to you going out – he did this in round about way so he was calculated. your doubts stem from conditioning we all wonder god did i cause this – did i not react in the best way i could. you can never fulfill a man like this’s needs noone can. you did the right thing for you and the kids xx he has the issues and not you. his issues wont go away and the only way you could stop his behaviour continueing to hurt you guys was to walk xx you absolutely made the right decision xx

love diymum

[HunkyDory]

Hi Yellowflower. The things you write are so very similar to my experience. I found lots of explicit messages to many different women too, and in the final stages that was the main cause of our arguments because I constantly checked up on him. Hoping I’d see it had stopped but it hadn’t. What you’re experiencing, like I did, is trauma bonding. You crave the lovely person you fell in love with who slowly disappeared before your eyes and morphed into a raging monster. And came back occasionally to reel you back into the madness.

I’m afraid no amount of counseling will change an abuser (well rarely anyway) because they don’t believe they are doing anything wrong. At all. Nothing you have done is your fault.

I tried various ways too to get through to him. Shouting back, walking away, reasoning, explaining, crying, silence. Nothing ever worked.

You are not minimizing the abuse, this happens – we question our reality. We know what happened and it’s the pull of the evil trauma bond that does it. I watched a good video on YouTube about it last night and it explained it very well.

You weren’t wrong to check up on him, I felt the same but now I realize I was given just cause. I actually thought I was being abusive doing it. The ladies on here helped me understand it was a completely normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

Well done for getting out with your children. Continue to be strong and moving forward with your life without an abuser in it. Big hugs xx

[Yellowflower]

Thank you ladies. I do struggle with the guilt. Some days I think yes he was abusing you had no choice. Other days I’m here thinking what did I do wrong? And I know I need to snap out of that because that’s how I felt with him. Constantly confused about what I’d done wrong and I thought I was a band person because I didn’t understand. It’s just so hard isn’t it. The man I loved can’t be here for me now. I know if I went back he wouldn’t admit what he is. I guess I just don’t know how to get over him. Having children means I will never be able to cut all ties x

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