Was it me?

[Missssy]

I can’t help these intrusive thoughts.

It was my fault. He was miserable with me because I wasn’t enough. Maybe if I had more about me, or looked more like this or that. Maybe if I was more exciting, I could have stopped it happening?

People have said he felt inferior to me and was an insecure person, ‘punching above his weight’. But I can’t help but think it’s the other way around.

I’m finding myself really missing this person. It’s like I can’t recognise the physical and emotional danger I was put in. I keep imagining him as this amazing man, that just couldn’t stay amazing for me because there is something wrong with me.

Sorry I just feel so sad and alone, I needed to vent. X

[Missssy]

Because he is in trouble for everything that happened now that I have reported him, all I can think of is that I’ve ‘abandoned him’ or ruined his life and betrayed him by doing this. I keep thinking he hates me for exposing him rather than me hating him. Sorry I don’t mean to go on, I don’t even know if I’m making sense. I’m just so sad all the time. It’s been months and I still find myself crying and doubting and blaming myself each day. At first I was worried he would ‘forget me’ but there have been instances of him popping up and sending relatives around to me. I’m just so lost.

By the way I didnt mean to sound conceited with the ‘inferior’ comment in my previous post, they aren’t my direct words they are what has been said to me.

[Alicenotichains]

Hello Missy,

The answer to your question is no. It was not you. I can relate so much to your post- I have just ended my relationship (again) but I feel all over the place. Like you I failed to register the physical and emotional danger I was in. He has done so much damage and I am not even angry- my mind is playing tricks on me- thinking if I had done this, or if I had done that perhaps we could have been happier.
I am having to be logical to combat these emotions as they have no rational basis- he was a liar, a bully, a cheat and a thief. I tried to help him for several years but in the end he just sucked the life out of me and dragged me down. I watched the BBC film on your tube last night- called”love you to death” which was about the women killed by domestic abusers in one year. Those kind of things help me think logically.
I watched a you tube video (detail removed by moderator)which was helpfully suggested by a lady here- it’s about attachment traumas. I think I have an unresolved attachment trauma from childhood which has led me to these two awful relationships.
Combat the emotions with logic and rational thought, be kind to yourself and put all that effort into yourself. Sending positive thoughts and thank you for your post- it felt like reading my own thoughts x*x

[Missssy]

Hi Alicenotinchains, thanks for your reply.

Well done on ending the relationship again, and for being able to be so logical about it all! you should be very proud of yourself. And you are right – sometimes I am able to be rational and acknowledge that I was bullied, threatened, terrorised and beaten..
But for some reason all I keep thinking is ‘I’m the reason for it. He wouldn’t have done it if I was someone else’ and killing myself thinking he is just loving life without me, now that I’ve left him I imagine that he feels as though he is FREE from the rubbish that is me. I’m unable to be kind to myself for long.

I’m really struggling with it all. But well done to you, and thanks for your kind words x*x

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