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    • #130350
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      I only just realized, was he abusive to the pets also?
      He would kick or hit the dog, the dog was scared of everything and wanted to spend all his time upstairs in the bedroom under the bed..
      i would walk and feed the dog. If i was away he would ‘walk’ him only once a day. I say walk but he’d take him to a corner for the toilet then take him Home.
      The dog went a couple days with no food once because he wouldn’t buy dog food..
      He had the car and i couldn’t get to the shops.
      The country he is from is pretty rubbish at looking after animals so i thought what was why. I remember the first time he hit him I was shocked and thought how can i be with this man?! But he thought it was fine and i minimized it.
      What do you think?

    • #130351
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Oh my lovely, this must be a very painful and heartbreaking realisation for you. We’re so protective of our little fur babies and it certainly sounds as though your dog was, understandably, very frightened of him.

      Causing harm to animals, hurting them, letting them go hungry are all really cruel ways to treat any animal, cats, dogs, people!

      We are animals ourselves. If we wouldn’t like it done to us then we don’t do it to any other living thing – it’s as simple as that.

      When you are risk assessed, you are always asked how he treats pets. Not all abusers treat pets badly but if they do, it is a marker of their cruelty.

      If that’s how he treats a defenceless animal who is too scared to fight back, my heart really goes out to you.

      I hope that you and the dog are both safely out of his reach now.

      Sending great big hugs and loads of love. xx

    • #130352
      Watersprite
      Participant

      Yes it is – my ex kicked my dog even in front of other people. She’s with me now 😊 It’s very hard when you begin to realise how abusive they are. We minimise their actions find excuses blame ourselves or at least that’s what I did. It really is like your name says eyesopening. But once we can see them for who they really are we can begin to rebuild trust in ourselves. Go gently with yourself and this new understanding x*x

      • #130357
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        Thanks Watersprite, I’m so glad my eyes really are starting to open, its so much tougher when you doubt yourself.

    • #130354
      Watersprite
      Participant

      I mean my dog is still with me lol not my ex I left him and thank goodness for that – the best thing I ever did

      • #130406
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        🙂
        I read so many times its the hardest but best thing you’ll ever do to leave. I’m starting to see it x*x

    • #130356
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      Oh my god, I’m glad I’m starting to see things clearly..
      Thankyou both.
      The dog was his but It was like mine when i was with him because i looked after him. My ex was jealous when the dog preferred me.
      So I couldn’t take the dog.
      We had a cat too, which was kind of ours but he said he’d keep it.. he seemed to really love the cat. Even though all vet, food & litter was my responsibility. The cat showed him alot of love, maybe thats why. The cat would only sit on him, then once he sat on me and i was so happy. What did my ex do? Get up and get treats to get the cat to move!
      He used to ask me if i was jealous when the cat was on him, I’d say no, he wouldn’t believe me.
      Imagine if we had kids, i can imagine he would get jealous with them.
      I already took a cat once to my parents when he broke up with me years ago. So atleast i have this one.

    • #130359
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      Hi there, I’ve often read this type of this on lists of abusive behaviour. It must be really difficult to distinguish between abuse and cultural attitudes. I suppose you have to look at it in the context of his other behaviour, which definitely is abusive. Getting the cat treats to get the cat to move is definitely not healthy behaviour and shows his need for control. It might not be cruel to the cat, but it’s definitely using the cat against you.

      You made a good point about wondering what he would be like with kids. I’ve heard it’s common for abusers to be jealous of kids, especially babies. I’ve read heart breaking stories on here of mums being forced to leave their baby crying because their jealous. partner wouldn’t let them pick the baby up. It can go the other way too. My ex absolutely doted on all his pets and I used to joke about what he’d be like with kids (before I recognised the abuse)… it’s not so funny now of course. He’s totally OTT and obsessive with the kids. He does love them but he can’t see that what he thinks is being a good parent is really his obsessiveness. xxxx

      • #130373
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        Hi Isopeace,
        That’s really interesting what you say that about obsessiveness, I think he would of been obsessive about children also. I don’t really understand this part and how this connects with what I understand of an abusive persons character. Why are they obsessive? It’s like possessiveness? Sometimes I wonder if he was obsessed with me because he never left me alone, or that was to tire me out and control me. Or was is obsession and possessiveness.
        xxxx

    • #130363
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Eyesopening

      I’m glad you are safely away.

      If you feel that he is still hitting the dog and not taking proper care of it, you could make an anonymous report to the RSPCA.

    • #130421
      ladiesand gentlemen
      Participant

      My husband is exactly the same !!!
      The cats are frightened of him, they will not go into a room if he is there, I now have them with my all the time, if they go downstairs near him, I take the door keys away, he always threatens to let them out in the hope they will get lost or hurt !!!
      He shouts at them one minute, stroking the next.
      He has in the past held dogs muzzles closed until they start crying or backing away !!!
      Uses dog crates as prisons, for hours and hours, until I dare to comment that its cruel
      He loves the attention of having animals, especially showing them off in public, he never trains them, worms or de fleas them ,and would NEVER even attempt to give them medication.
      I have had to return puppies and dogs to rescue, just because he cant cope with them, he has COMPLETELY broken my heart, my animals are my life, and I will NEVER leave them alone with him !!!
      He was the same with our child, hated the attention I got in hospital, so yes its the same where children are concerned, even now she is an adult, he hates the lack of control he has over a young adults, and will get very very moody if they dare to disagree !!!!
      The last week or so with him has been hell, its NEVER his fault, whatever happens, always feels sorry for HIMSELF !!!!!
      I am stronger now than ever before, and he cant touch my heart or spirit anymore.
      Thank you to ALL the ladies on here, we have to hold each other up
      Take care of yourselves, the children and the fur babies too x*x

      • #130566
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        Hi Ladies & Gentlemen, gosh, he sounds exactly the same as my ex..
        This stroke me: ‘He shouts at them one minute, stroking the next.’
        Just like he treated me, one minute is subtly putting me down, the next stroking my ears by telling me he ‘loves me so much’ or ‘your the best girlfriend ever’ (rubbish)

        Yeah he used to hold the dogs muzzle closed and pull the cats tail 🙁
        If the dog did something naughty he was tied up outside all night.

        Thanks for telling me he was the same with children, it’s helping my resolve.
        Well done on gaining your strength I got stronger while I was him to get the strength to leave.
        This forum is so important for that.
        Thank you take care also x*x

    • #130422
      ladiesand gentlemen
      Participant

      meant me not my

    • #130424
      maddog
      Participant

      Abusers will hurt anything with a pulse. Well done for escaping. Although my ex rarely physically lashed out at the animals, he created an atmosphere and encouraged conflict. A fearful animal (including us) is a dangerous one. Luckily, the ex was ordered to keep away from the dogs, and these days, they’re different animals. Still bonkers, but so much calmer.

      It’s a good idea from Eggshells to report your concerns to RSPCA. Abusers don’t change and his behaviour towards the dog will be the same, and quite possibly worse.

      • #130567
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        Hi Maddog, thankyou, that’s nice they are free of him too.
        I think when I was there he pretended he can’t do anything. When I was not he suddenly became a functioning adult who would even clean! It was always a slap in the face when I was away and he would say on the phone I cleaned the house. SO he can do it, but chooses not too when I was there.

        I was remembering also, that if he did come for a dog walk with me. Which he started too in lockdown, it was like he didn’t want me to have ANY alone time. He would always tell me I was walking the dog the wrong way, or that the dog didn’t listen to me.
        The dog was scatty when he came along and hypervigilant of this man so yeah he did appear to not listen so much to me.
        But I definitely knew how to walk him after years of being the only one to walk him properly.
        Though his idea of a walk was the sole aim to get them to go to the toilet then go home.

    • #131037
      ladiesand gentlemen
      Participant

      My beautiful dog(rescue)was fine with me, and we were gaining confidence together, he started walking her when I was ill and she turned into a nervous wreck, of course she got the blame !!!!
      ALWAYS showing the dogs off when people asked, crates all the time at home !!!
      He threatened to stamp on my daughters hamster, rolling the sofa around when she was free running in the lounge.
      He is ALWAYS threatening to let my beloved house cats out, they would of course be terrified, and they will not go into a room if he is in the doorway or hanging around
      One time I had to make the decision(at the vets) to put my “soulmate” cat to sleep, he stood over me saying to make my mind up, and are you doing it or not, I was totally inconsolable, not a glimmer of support or a tear shed on his part !!!
      He NEVER EVER cries when we lose someone, not for his parents, my parents,siblings,or for ANY animals large or small, he is an awful awful person and very dangerous to the mind and body.
      Everything you have ALL said rings true with me
      Stay safe ladies x*x

    • #131038
      iliketea
      Participant

      Yes sounds like it. I posted recently about how I talk to mine all the time now, and how happy and chilled they are. They were petrified with him around and as soo as he started to go off on one they scarper. Never direct abuse to them and told me when we first met how much he loved animals but I never saw it with my own eyes and I think their behaviour said it all. Now and then. Animals can sense things. One of mine knew I was pregnant before I did!

    • #131041
      ladiesand gentlemen
      Participant

      I think animals FEEL the bad energy !!!
      My cats sure do, and even the hamster doesn’t like him picking her up
      It ALL about giving the impression that they are good people, completely different in reality, its just another being to control and scare !!!!
      And the dogs will always try to make someone love them, only they show fear along with the waggy tail, our dogs were just things to show off about !!!! they have all passed now, and I have vowed no more dogs
      Stay safe to you all and the children and animals x*x

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