Was it rape or sexual assault? **Trigger warning**

[freeagainatlast]

I met a man online when I was (age removed by moderator) at college. He was (age removed by moderator)and we got along really well and I became infatuated, even leaving my partner for him. Little did I know this man was married! After a few weeks he started saying he was in love with me, and we agreed to meet up.

(He actually made a joke about how he was going to rape me in my sleep, which I stupidly ignored).

It was a given that we would make love when we met up, but we agreed to use condoms as I don’t like the side effects of the contraceptive pill. We met at a hotel. Then we went out clubbing, as it was a weekend.

I drank too much when we were out. I can remember the pavement spinning when we came out into the fresh air. When we returned to the hotel, this guy climbed on top of me and quickly penetrated me without putting on a condom first. It was obviously a planned and deliberate move on his part, and I was dismayed that he was penetrating me without wearing protection, but I didn’t feel that I could complain or say anything. Memories are fragmented beyond this point.

At some point, I must have fallen asleep. I woke up a while later, and he was on top of me again. He was having sex with me. It was dark and I could only make out his silhouette. I lay completely rigid, waiting for him to finish, and didn’t let him know that I had awoken. At one point, he withdrew, put a condom on, and then went right back to it.

In the morning, he and his stuff had gone. When I contacted him, he said that he had made love to me in the morning while I was sleeping, and that I must have wanted it. He said that he left me uncovered afterwards. I don’t remember this at all, so I think it must have been a separate incident to the one I recall (when he stopped and put a condom on).

I am so confused and my memories are so fragmented. To my shame, I carried on dating him for (detail removed by moderator)more months and he became emotionally abusive. He threatened my friends, gaslighted me, cheated on me, and threatened to hit me.

He used to make jokes about the sleep sex and (detail removed by moderator). At one point, he compared himself to a notorious rapist and he told me that he wanted to rape me.

The second time I met him, I went out clubbing with him again and I became very drunk after only a few drinks. We went back to the hotel, and he bent me over the bed, for what I assumed was going to be vaginal sex. He actually penetrated me anally and after about 2 minutes, when I told him that I couldn’t take any more, he DID stop immediately.

He withdrew and I went into the bathroom to use the toilet. He followed me into the bathroom, kneeled in front of me while I was trying to pee, and inserted his fingers inside me. He wanted me to pee on them. He really, really, really hurt me. But I never said no to this.

The following day, I was sick as a dog and so sweaty. It could have been a hangover, but I don’t usually get those and my head didn’t hurt. When I told him how ill I was feeling, he automatically replied, “I never spiked your drink last night”. That made me so suspicious, as he had often “joked” about spiking drinks. And, come to think of it, HE had been buying the drinks the night before. HE had been going to the bar, while I was outside the bar in the smoking area, socialising.

Thank you if you’ve managed to read until this point. I’m sorry this rambles on so. I’m just so confused. A lot of people tell me that his behaviour was sexually abusive. I went along with a lot of his deviancy just to keep him happy, and I wish I hadn’t now. I know that one time I let him penetrate me when I was dry and that it really hurt. I didn’t say no, because I knew I couldn’t say no.

Surely I’m not really a victim in any way? I feel I was complicit. What I really want to know is – was I raped, at any point? I don’t want to press charges. I just want peace of mind.

[KIP.]

I think you should ring rape crisis helpline. This man sounds like a dangerous sexual predator. If you could find the strength to make a statement, you may find he has done this to other women too. Without clear consent it’s rape. The police would ask him to explain how you consented. You didn’t. I would be asking what a (age removed by moderator) year old man wants with someone so young and vulnerable?

[kitty]

My ex did the sleep rape thing, made ‘jokes’ about how dead women can’t say no etc. I played it down. He’s now got years of prison time to contend with as he turned out to be a dangerous sex offender. I’ve just reported him too for what he did to me.

[freeagainatlast]

Thanks for the replies. This man did also joke about having sex with my dead body as well

[Lisa]

Dear freeagainatalst,

Thank you for your post. I am so sorry to read about your situation. Your ex sounds very abusive, emotionally, physically and sexually. Please do phone the helpline and get some advice and support. Rape crisis will also be helpful to you.

We are all here for you so please keep posting to let us know how you are.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

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