Was it real

[hop]

I don’t even know if all this is real. I don’t feel real and I’m finding it difficult to comprehend that something has really happened. How do I know it happened. I don’t trust the words I say, or even the thoughts I think. I don’t believe that someone would take the time to do this to me I’m worthless. He says none of it happened and I remember asking him to please stop getting on me when I was asleep but these “treats” carried on and I was so polite about it at the time asking instead of telling, doing things I didn’t want because a thousand nos and one go on then is a yes. I just don’t know if my brain and body is exaggerating what happened because I’m craving attention. I don’t feel good at all. I’m questioning everything and I’ve gone back to being the fool who doesn’t even know if I’ve chosen the right chair to sit in.

[KIP.]

Yes it’s real. Are you receiving counselling? I’ve been free for several years now and what saved me was learning and reading about trauma, domestic abuse, mental health and reading other stories too. Google cognitive dissonance. I also dissociated which is linked to trauma. So when we are going through trauma we kind of go somewhere else so the memory of that traumatic incident is vague or often non existent. Are you still with your abuser? You need to be free from abuse to begin the healing process x meantime you can learn all about tactics of an abuser and how it will distort our thinking process.

[hop]

Thanks kip. I’ve been going to trauma therapy. It seems like a lot of fuss and the stuff that’s coming up is messing me up big time. I don’t know how to behave, or who to speak to it feels like nothing but it’s taking over everything. We split up nearly a decade ago but he’s been in my life through the courts up until extremely recently. I have no contact with him and it drives him insane, our child tells me as much. I feel like I’ve got hands around my neck all the time. I feel as insane as I did when he threw us out

[KIP.]

Sounds like the court process with him will have opened old trauma wounds. Taking you back to those nasty days. Try to keep telling yourself those days and those actions are in the past. Don’t live there. I know it’s extremely difficult. Have a mantra. “That was then I’m in the here and now” Good riddance to bad rubbish. I used to repeat the time and date and year to myself. Fantastic you are zero direct contact and fantastic it drives him insane lol. Any contact with him is toxic. Keep going. It’s your brain processing it all. Like an operation, it’s painful, as is recovery. Eventually you will be able to see those nasty incidents without all the emotion taking over. Keep going x 👍

[HopeLifeJoy]

I’m sorry you’ve been taken back, I’d suggest going back to counseling, talk it out, you do not have to carry this burden alone, get supported, heard, process it so it can be let go.
Well done indeed to have gone zero contact.
Are you able to sleep at night or are you having nightmares? It’s important to get your sleep, you can ask your GP for some sleeping pills to help you get through this rough patch.
And yes it was real, of course it was, unfortunately. Do something nice for yourself today okay. Sending you hugs 💕

[hop]

The sleeping pills just have me asleep for a few hours then wake me up after they’ve worn off. I’m in a bad place but I haven’t hurt myself. It’s hard but I’m muddling through. I can’t stand the doubts that my minds invented it. People think I like being like this and crave attention. It’s the complete opposite! I hate being like this so much I’m prepared to do whatever anybody tells me so that I can get over it. All this attention makes me feel ashamed but I don’t know how to cope with what’s going on. The utter turmoil of whether I can believe myself has me in knots. I doubt everything that comes from me.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi I think once we’re out of the daily onslaught our logical side argues with us internally so much. I think that’s why it’s important to journal or have even been able to record them, that we know it was real. Reading back what happened to me is like reading about someone else, it sound so illogical,crazy. These are normal feelings or so I’m led to believe. The thing is what the hell is normal? Well done for not hurting yourself,that takes great strength. Don’t let the ba..ards grind you down. I know I didn’t invent what happened but I’m struggling a bit that it was as severe as I’ve maybe told others. But then I read my journals and it was as severe, I’ve not exaggerated. Just take each hour,each day,each week baby step by baby step.
Bi làidir (stay strong)
IWMB 💞💞

[HopeLifeJoy]

Honey you go back to your GP and tell them the sleeping pills are working only half way through the night. You will receive something stronger or you will be allowed to increase the dosage of the ones you are taking now. Once you are sleeping through the night, your day will look different, you’ll be more rested.

Well done for not having hurt yourself, be very proud, it is an immense effort if you are used to do it and now don’t do it. Keep being strong, you are doing well.

Have you tried joining a class? Yoga or pilates or some creative class such as painting, cooking, designing/making clothes, anything to do with creativity involving physical movements.
That way you quiet your mind and focus on your task and rediscover how to combine your body and mind to achieve it.
It’ll make you feel better. Try something that appeals to you…what are you interested in doing?

[hop]

They think I’m a drug addict so they won’t give me more. The Dr I normally see is off long term and like I said the others think I’m a drug addict. I’ll go back after a couple of weeks and they’ll see what a mess I’m in but up until then I’ll just have to muddle through. Like everything else the nightmares are getting worse. I wake up dead early and just feel grubby. I’ve got a constant feeling of hands around my throat that I know hurting myself would ease. It’s too dangerous though. I just want rid of these feelings,these sensations in my neck. I’d been doing martial arts and I’m starting back there today. Everything hurts I don’t know if I can do it but I’m sure it’ll be fine once I’m there.

[KIP.]

Try to work on mindfulness too. If your body is still and calm then it keeps the anxiety and panic down. Do some relaxation exercises if you can. A little yoga from YouTube. Contact sport and physical contact with others would have badly triggered me. Could this be making things worse? Have a look at The Body Keeps the Score book x

[lover of no contact]

Well done freedom for not hurting yourself. It’s hard to break the pattern that helped us in the past.

I’ve decided I need to keep saying to myself “self-care, self-care, self-care’ throughout the day. Also ‘mind myself’, ‘take care of myself today’, ‘be gentle with myself’, ‘be easy on myself’. Also there’s a slogan called “Love yourself first’.

I’ve been hurting myself in taking on too much. Overworking. It’s hard for me not to overwork when there’s been and there is (indirectly)abusers in my life and in my workplace. I’m used to doing all the work. This can be hard on my body and leave little time for caring for my body. So “Self-Care, Self-Care, Self-Care” is my new mantra. I have to be kind to my body and build it up with good food, exercise, fresh air, lots of rest, relaxation, time out for hobbies and fun things.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Never mind what the doctors are thinking of you, they shouldn’t judge you, they should help you, if they aren’t serious about your health please seek another practice. You need your sleep, you deserve to sleep a full night. Are they going to be responsable in case you do self-harm yourself? Are they willing to run that risk? No. They shouldn’t.
Go back and calmly and firmly ask for help to get you through the entire night. Take someone with you if you can.

You are being very courageous of seeing that hurting yourself isn’t the answer and is dangerous, I can’t imagine what it must feel like to have that feeling of hands around your neck, it must be suffocating.

Very good of you to go for a martial art class, I used to do one too for many years when I was a child. I loved as much the camaraderie with my peers as the exercise itself. Enjoy today!

[hop]

I haven’t done any gradings yet so it’s totally non contact. I fell back asleep for the first time in God knows how long. I had nightmares but I wish I could sleep the day away.
It is not nice to feel like I’m constantly being choked and I know if I hurt myself those feelings would go but then also I think I’ll have to do this next time anyway. Oh I don’t know I just feel terrible and I know that would help. I feel like I’m letting everyone down but I don’t think I can keep it up over the weekend. I’d just be doing over scars so it doesn’t really count?
My dr who knows everything that’s going on is off for a year. The others clearly haven’t read my notes so they’ll have to see me a few times before they will know. My next appointment is not until next month. I don’t think I can wait that long but I can’t see my Dr and I feel like I’m bothering them anyway, especially now.

[KIP.]

Yes it does count going over old scars. When the urge comes get up and do something else. Get out. Walk. Star jumps. Colour in books. Count beads. Anything to distract you. You have the power to control this. You are stronger than you know x when I had suicidal thoughts I had a mantra ‘don’t give him the satisfaction’ x find a mantra that suits you x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hurting yourself over old scars counts as hurting yourself, you’ll have double the size of scars, pls don’t do it. You deserve better.
Why not do domething to relax your body with a nice shower gel or favourite lotion. Something lovable instead? That’ll appease you too in a softer gentler way. You need to learn to appreciate a caring touch instead of a brutal one. Breathe in deeply in and out to feel your lungs fill in with fresh air. Learn to feel soft body sensation.

One month is way too long for your next GP appt, you need one now. Monday you call your practice and tell them you need an urgent appointment. They’ll have to see you, they can either read the notes – but most don’t bother – or you tell them in one short phrase; you tend to self harm, you suffer of nightmares and need help right now! They’ll help you, they are obligated. You are not bothering them at all, they are here to take care of our health, that’s why they chose their profession, to be there in time of need for health issues, to help others feel better and healthier.

Pleased to read you were able to fall back asleep, that must have felt good 😌

I hope you enjoyed your martial art today, how was it?
I went up to the green belt then I became a teenager and switched to dancing 😊

[hop]

I didn’t go. I haven’t been for many months since my ex took our child and its hard going back. I had a hot shower, not hurting hot, and I’m going into town now. I still feel overwhelmed by feelings of hurting myself but I’m ok for a few hours. Thank you everyone x

[KIP.]

Gr8. Keep distracting yourself. Or tell yourself you will do it tomorrow. Then when tomorrow comes you will be past it. Keep tricking your brain. I used to tell myself right six o’clock tonight I will do x. Just to get it out my head. Then six o’clock came and went and I’d forgotten. We are all here to help you x

[hop]

I’m trying my best but honestly I need to be normal for the kids. My eldest is being wierd because she knows something is wrong with me. The skin on my neck is so badly scarred already it doesn’t matter what I do. I can’t get the dreams out of my mind. I know they’re not real but when I wake up the feelings are. I feel like I’m beyond everything anyway. I can’t speak to anyone about the therapy because it’s so private and intrusive. I couldn’t even formulate the words to tell her what was coming up so she just kept switching the light back on for me to follow. I honestly feel like I did when we were together. The drs are doing what they think is the best thing but they seriously, now mine has gone, haven’t got a clue. I need to keep it together but I don’t think I can. I’m so sorry that all your support and good advice has been wasted, I really just need an outlet for these constant sensations I have of him on my and stuff. How do I tell the Dr that every time I fall asleep, day or night, I’m plagued with dreams where I’m being raped or brutalised? I can’t come out with it it sounds like a lie. It took me years to admit what he’d done because I’m nothing and dreams definitely are nothing. I physically cannot get the words out about what he did so it does seem like nothing to people. Sorry I’m rambling my mind feels like the only way I can stop the physical sensations is to hurt myself. I know that’s wrong but I know it will work because it has in the past. Sorry I know that’s really bad

[KIP.]

Couldnt physically get the words out either. I wrote it down. Show your GP and therapist this post. Whatever the reason to hold it together is good. Focus on keeping it together for the kids till you can get the help you need and you never need to apologise x baby steps x

[HopeLifeJoy]

You’re not wasting anyones time, you are reaching our for help and that is a massive step forward.
You’ve been doing well today where you’re taken a shower and set the temperature right, that’s self-care. Going out is very good too. Anything to distract your thoughts. Hurting yourself in the past has NOT helped you, it has hurt you, and you do not deserve to be hurt ever. Retrain your mind and tell yourself that it is bad, not an option!! and get up immediately out the door or anything that’ll distract you.
Does music help you calm your thoughts and mind?
You are not nothing, you are a very lovable person, someone who has been abused and you need to care for yourself and in dire need of a good nights rest and these nightmares gone.
I would also suggest contacting Rape Crisis, if you can’t utter a word then look at their website for help, they’ll understand what has happened to you and might be able to help you.
Don’t think because you cannot formulate what has happened to you that others think nothing has happened, you have been terribly traumatised, you are in shock and of course unable to express what has happened to you.
I couldn’t get a word out when I went the first time to my doctor, I was starting to have a panic attack right there in her waiting room already, she said can you just describe with one word I said ‘abuse’ and that was it. She took over from there and prescribed me some heavy sleeping pills and therapy and the nightmares and insomnia disappeared.
What you have to believe and learn is that you do matter, you are believed even when the words don’t come out right.
What your abusive ex has done to you is because he is an abuser, it has nothing to do with you, it was his choice, not yours, he has done it previously and will do it again with his next partner.
I hope you can regain some confidence in yourself, believe that you are worthwhile, you are a treasure darling, you are a wonderful person and a caring mother.
Do you like reading? I think the book ‘the body keeps the score’ is perfect for you. Maybe it’ll resonates with you..
Be gentle to yourself okay.

[hop]

Thanks kip and hlj. I’ve started reading the body keeps the score. Last night. I haven’t got far but I’ll read some every day. Yesterday I did self harm, I’m so weak but the sensations that I can’t bear have subsided. I’m not sure I can stand to tell the therapist what I’ve done. I’m such an idiot.

I feel like this post has got long enough that nobody will read it but I really need to get this off my chest. I’m not sure I can because I think I know what people will say and also once I’ve said it it will be real…….here goes, erm………i started seeing someone who is really lovely and kind. I’ve known him since we were kids and we used to kiss and mess about back then. Fast forward to now. He came to my work and asked me out a couple of months ago. I thought there were a few wierd things but I’ve put it mostly down to my sensitivity because I haven’t been with anyone for years. Phhhhw…. He’s so kind and gentle. I’ve told him about the therapy and stuff but he’s got psychiatric problems he was born with and he keeps saying anxiety’s nothing compared to his s**t but…….oh I don’t know. The stuff I’m going through I really don’t feel like anything sex wise. The first few weeks was all about that but now I have no feelings and I really would not want them to come out like that. He always seems understanding but when I go to his he’s on and on at me. I kept making excuses and in the end tried to say I just didn’t want to but he doesn’t think that’s much of a reason. I keep giving him oral to shut him up and that makes him pester me more for sex. I say no and he always shrugs it off with you can’t blame a guy for trying. And I say I guess you can’t. He’s never been horrible about it but I can’t be arsed with it. I feel really fragile and I know I should have set boundaries and in a lot of ways I have. He’d be moved in now if I’d let him and a few times he’s tried to come round when my youngest has been here and tried to come in but I’ve stood my ground and he’s stopped doing it. This is my haven and I don’t want someone in here exerting their power over me. I feel like people will jump on what I’ve said and vilify him but he’s never forced me to do anything. I just end up doing it after a fashion. He’s bought presents for xmas already and can’t seem to understand when I tell him I can’t look a day ahead let as lone any further. He’s like a f*****g excitable child and I already have a few of them that need me. I don’t know what to do. I had therapy years ago and the therapist asked if I was ready for dating. I was like yeah I can handle it. If someone doesn’t want me that’s fine I’m not that bothered. He reckons that’s not why he was asking. I don’t know what’s normal and I have a real problem with stopping going out with people. I started writing this 1hr+ ago and thought I could Bury it but I wrote way more than I thought. Sorry, I feel like I do it on purpose. I seriously don’t know if I’m sensitive or its him.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi , well done in posting. And you’re not being sensitive, you are listening to your gut instinct, trust it. This new man to me is pushing your boundaries as well. Giving oral instead even though you don’t want to. Sex with abusive men, they are like teenagers, want it constantly and then go in the huff, big style,if you don’t. You have been through so much. WA recommend staying single for at least a 2yrs, personally I’ll never date again, have sex with anyone else.I too have no urges, used to blame menopause cos libido goes with that. Funny how I awakened to what my marriage was at this time in my life. Fir the first time I’m happy to be on my on, to not be part of a couple, who knows what the future has in store fir me. And we’ll always read each other’s posts, no matter how long. Can you contact WA let them know how you are feeling, there’s a lady who left her husband over a decade ago who’s coming to our meetings. There’s no timescale, definitely contact your gp service tomorrow. Write down how you feel, I know speaking it out loud it sounds as if it’s unbelievable, but it’s not and it happened. Trauma takes time to overcome, the brain closes down what happens to us in order for us to carry on. I think it’s the book you are reading that tells this. Once you are stronger, memories resurface,you have nightmares, its terrifying but your body wouldn’t let this happen if you weren’t strong enough to deal with it.
Be kind to yourself, treat yourself as a parent would a hurt scared child.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[hop]

Thank you. I haven’t been with someone for over 5 yrs and it wasn’t a man and I had to call the police in the end because I was getting hundreds of messages/emails/voicemails and it was bad. I swore off anybody but this happened by chance and I wish it hadn’t. I feel like he’s trying to make himself indispensable so that I can’t get rid. He doesn’t work and I’m trying to tell myself that it’s me being tired and touchy but he pesters me all the time for sex and to see me. I feel like the first few weeks was full of it but my circumstances have changed and I was using it as a way to get away from my feelings. I can’t keep hiding he wants to take me to all my appointments, he mentioned coming to my kids parent’s evening (why the f**k would you want to go to someone elses kid’s parent’s evening?) my ex brings his gf and not just him doing it I’ve always found that s***e wildly inappropriate. My kids are my remit. I’ll see what it’s like when we see each other next week and if I feel pressed I’m just going to have to go home. When I’m run down I’m plagued by coldsores and he wanted me to go down on him with a condom on. I was disgusted, especially since he doesn’t use them when we’re having sex even though I keep saying I want him to at the point of entry it never happens though. He thinks if I got pregnant it’d be amazing but I’ve always told my youngest he completed our family and he did. I was open at the very beginning that it was a deal breaker and I don’t want any more but he mentions it all the time.
He goes on about me shaving and I hate it, it reminds me of my ex. Dya know what I sound so negative about him but he always tells me none of that matters. It’s hard to remind myself we haven’t even been going out months. Ahh man I honestly think he’s lovely but a few things bother me. I need space for this therapy and he doesn’t get it. I love the time we spend together but I said I love him now it’s not like nice, new, shiny relationship it’s hard but is that just because I’ve been through so much with court and my kid’s dad? I really don’t know and feel bad slagging him off because he’s never been mean to me at all.

[Author]

Posts