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Hi all, I’m new here and been finding it hard to heal from my past relationship and I constantly doubt myself, so was wondering if anyone could give any advice as to whether I really suffered emotional abuse.
I met my partner when I was still a teenager, he was older then me by about (detail removed by moderator) years, the first few years were great. We were friends before we got together so when we finally entered a relationship we clicked so well. He was my everything and so was his daughter. He would be so supporting whilst I was at university and (detail removed by moderator) even through arguments with my family, he was always there to defend and support me.
However after (detail removed by moderator) years I saw a change in him. I suppose it was always there but just became more evident. He never wanted to do anything with me anymore and when we did he always made out like it was a massive effort. He would tell me that I am pathetic when I would go on social media to reply to people who said happy birthday to me, or pathetic for wanting to get a photo. He always said that I cared too much what people thought about me. He would argue with me over the smallest of things and break up with me and refuse to speak to me for days on end. After days of begging him to be back with me I would finally accept the relationship was over he would message me and want to carry on.
It got to point that he would tell me that people were calling me names behind my back. If I would forget something when we were going on holiday he would turn the car around and say we weren’t going anymore. He would scream in my face whilst I was crying and shout at me through gritted teeth that he hated me.
The last year was the worst with him threatening to spit in my face over a normal disagreement and with the worst resulting in him believing I was cheating on him and pinning me against the wall by my throat and standing on my wrist. (This was the only time he was physically abusive).
We broke up (detail removed by moderator) ago after years and years of turmoil. He admitted to me before this that he was depressed sprouting from debt he had gotten into before he met me but had hidden from me. He ended up being on and off for a couple of years but I was terrified he was going to go back to the terrible person he was and I saw glimmers of it from time to time.
The hardest part for me was not seeing his daughter again, we had such a close relationship and I had known her since she was very young.
I ended up fully breaking things off with him and meeting someone new. When he found out about this he wasn’t happy, he told me that I had made the wrong decision, that he knows he was terrible to be around years ago but was better now and that I would regret my decision.
Even since this relationship I have struggled to love anyone again and I seem to not be able to move on terrified that something like this will happen again even though I have the most kind amazing partner now.
I recently saw my ex with a new girlfriend and everything just intensified even more. I was wondering if anyone has any advice as to whether this was actual emotional abuse or if I’m just overracting and overthinking all of this and now that he is supposedly over his depression that he is “all better”?
The thing that always confuses me is that he was absolutely brilliant father to his daughter and still is and I’ve never read a case were the guy is a great father yet emotionally abusive to his partner. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated. -
Yes that is psychological abuse and it was very much a way of controlling your emotions at the time. There are a lot of ladies on here way more knowledgable than I and you will get some really good replies.
The part of your description that stuck with me is where you say you’ve never heard of an abusive father that can be loving to his child(REN). I have. I have met a couple in fact. My personal experience of this though is that they see the child as an extension of themselves. Children are much easier to control and are less prone to have minds of their own as they take on the parents views of the world. In my cases though, when I looked very closely, being the good father often meant that they almost bought the children – as in with lots of material possessions – or used the children to live out their own fantasies. Things like the dream holidays, the perfect day dates out. It’s a safe way of meeting their needs without having to conform to the requirements of a romantic relationship and the intimacy needed to maintain that kind of bond.
They also know that they are safe, in that their children never leave them. So underlying abandonment issues never really surface. If the threat of the child being taken away is ever introduced, the level of enmeshment becomes apparent immediately. And it’s scary to see when that happens.
Children are a safe form of validation. If you really look back, you’ll see the glimmers were there. They speak about children as though they own them, not as though they are little people in their own right, with their own thoughts and feelings. I’m betting that when you did fall out, one of the tactics would have been to use his daughter as a means to hurt you, perhaps by saying you would never see her again, or guilting you by saying imagine how she would feel and to consider her feelings. At least that was my experience(s) and it does not seem to be an uncommon one.
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@galnextdoor this is totally my ex! He and his mother between them are obsessed with our daughter. I am beginning to believe I was just a means to have a child as once our baby was born that’s when I noticed I no longer mattered. I was constantly vying for his affection and would get regularly rejected. I felt so sad and unloved.
Since we have split all that matters to him is having possession of our daughter and because his behaviour caused him to stop having contact he took everything attached to our daughter to hurt me as in personal and sentimental belongings. Xx -
@meonscreen your ex sounds horrible and it’s definitely emotional abuse. It’s so difficult to come to terms with. I am still struggling to believe this was me too xx
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@lavenderrose it’s really pathological when you look at it from an outsider perspective. I’ve never had children but have dated men that do and so for me, how they talked about and treated their children were one of the first things I noticed. And believe me you can see a difference between the real loving father and the pathologically loving one.
I feel for the children as often, they grow up to develop their own warped identity. It makes your heart bleed to see it.
Oftentimes too, they can’t separate the children from the mother…so the child becomes a tool in which to either emotionally hurt or emotionally abandon. As in, if they feel ownership of the mother, they transfer that to the child. If they fail to attach to the mother, they fail to attach to the child. Both are abusive and is unbelievably unfair to the children’s sense of self.
I’ve also heard of many others that have fallen pregnant after contraception has been tampered with, or like yourself, almost used as a baby making machine. A child will in their mind always keep that link to you open, so as soon as you have their child, in their mind, you cannot abandon them. Least not completely!
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@galnextdoor my ex was desperate for us to have another child but it was too soon for me. I had a few things I wanted to do first before committing myself again to another little person. I think he was really resentful of this! Our relationship progressively got worse and the dream I once had of another child was fading as we were too unstable but he just wouldn’t see it.
In the end he was so nasty about it. I felt it was just to please his mother so she had another new play thing as she was the other woman in our relationship who he was desperate to keep happy. They made my life between them miserable 😭 xx -
@galnextdoor you’ve really hit the nail on the head when you said that you bet he used his daughter against me once we broke up. He was always rather secretive about his private life so never use to post pictures of his daughter on social media, however as soon as we broke up he out pictures of her everywhere so I ended up unfollowing him on everything (I didn’t want to unfriend him because he would get satisfaction out of that). Years later after we stopped talking again he deleted me off everything, I tried to get on with life however he started posting stories to his WhatsApp of him and his daughter – literally they only form of social media he had me left on.
It’s so devastating to know someone can use you like this, esp after you give them your all and they can just go on and be with another person. -
@resilient I’m so sorry you had such a hard time your child’s father and really hope things get better for you
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@meonscreen
That doesn’t surprise me one bit what you’ve said about social media. Bear in mind what I said about children being the extension…children are also a means of getting outward positivity from others. How much do people coo over newborns?The fact he was secretive of his personal life, but now is happy to display it, is in its own twisted way him actually saying he ISNT happy because he is NEEDING outward validation. You could replace child with new car/dream holiday destination/new girlfriend and still the pathology is the same. It’s a way to not only “show” you how happy he is now but also to get attention and feedback. Social media is a blessing and a curse! When you see it for what it is though, it’s actually showing that he’s feeling rather empty.
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Hi meonscreen,
What you experienced was definitely emotional, psychological and physical abuse. It sounds like he put you through hell.
And Galnextdoor has explained it all beautifully and intelligently.
It might help you to speak to WA and access their peer support group or do the Freedom project.
Sending you a big hug x*x
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