Was it? Should I even be here?

[Yellowflower]

I left my husband a while ago now with our children . We’re in temp accommodation for a while. I’ve attended the freedom programme and have met some lovely ladies who have been through so much. Now here comes the but I struggle so much to connect with my story and accept that it happened to me. I often wonder if I’ve got it wrong and it wasn’t like that so I guess I need some opinions. I don’t know if I’m just in complete denial because I still miss him very much. I still want him to get help and be a family again. So here goes….. 1) Anything I did around the home was wrong or not good enough. I would panick so much about the house being perfect for him and he would still find something i had missed and it would really annoy him. 2) Wanted to know where I was at all times and wanting me home when he said so. 3) I believe I had a tracker on my phone. 4) Shout in my face swearing and frothing at the mouth. 5) Often throw things or slam doors or attack things. 6) Disappear after arguments and turn his phone off so I’d panick and frantically be looking for him. Admitted he had in the past self harmed and been suicidal so it would really worry me I’d hate it. 7) A few occasions of physical violence but he says I caused him to get angry. I wind him up and make him angry. 8) Witholds money to help pay for household bills 9) I’d constantly be apologising but not really understanding what I had done wrong. I guess you could say I said sorry to keep the peace. 10) I would have to think about how I said things in case he didn’t like what I had to say. 11) Shouting infront on our children. Began to favour one over the other. 12) Would undermined me infront of children. 13) Would pester for sex and not understand if I was tired or not in the mood. I would be told he hadn’t had it for weeks ( when it would of only been the day before). Yet if I wanted it he would say he didn’t. 14) If I told him any insecurities he used to mention them a few weeks later in a jokey way. 15) I felt like I couldn’t make a decision on my own without his saying so. I think I lost the ability to make a decision for myself. 16) Didn’t seem to praise my promotion at work yet I had to be thrilled for his or I wasnt a good wife. 17) Would often work away but it would always be last minute. Would tell me how his friends would cheat on these business trips but he would never do that. I had evidence but he talked me round….. but said if I kept pushing him In the future it could happen. I needed to change. 18) constantly told I’m the problem I need to stop being this way and he won’t be so angry. Blames me, work, how he feels about his looks. So there just a few of the things i can think of my heads full of senarios but I don’t know if I was really abused. I don’t know if imsjust in shock but shouldn’t I have dealt with it by now and accept it? Instead I’m here wanting my husband back for Christmas. I need to stop I know I do.

[Tiffany]

You should definitely be here. It was worse than you remember. It takes a long time to make your peace with what happened. The fact that you know that he is the one with the problem (you want him to get help) is good. What you need to do now is come to terms with the fact that the only way he would have changed is for the worse. Unfortunately that is abusers for you. Their behaviour gets them exactly what they want from life, so they won’t change. If you went back he wouldn’t act like a normal human, be glad that you had forgiven him and try to make things better. He can’t truly believe that it might be him who needs to be forgiven, and he can’t forgive you, because he has no empathy. So if you go back, what he will do is punish you. I know that you miss him, but it is partly habit, and partly trauma bonding. Keep building new happy habits without him and keep educating yourself about abuse. It gets better.

[Yellowflower]

I think what I struggle with is he could be nice. There is a part of him that I love very very much. I don’t know how I’ll ever get over him. Did he ever love me? I’m just heartbroken and I don’t know how to feel any differently. Did he know what he was doing? I’m sorry I just feel so lost. I don’t know how to get through this I thought I’d feel ok in time but I don’t x

[PercyPooper]

Hi there, I am feeling the same today. I feel bad that I am thinking he is a monster however I remember some of the names I have been called, it is so confusing and you feel exhausted with all of the thinking it over and over again. But this is exactly how we all feel, we doubt every single thought we have I know I do. Only this week have I come to the realisation that something is so very wrong and what is so confusing is that my OH can be so charming to the outside world and everyone thinks he is successful and a wonderful partner. He hasn’t always been like this, I was his absolute world at one time and now he looks at me as if he has just peeled me off the bottom of his shoe. Don’t doubt yourself trust your gut feeling. xx

[Getmylifeback]

Your story is very similar to mine except there was no physical violence but he very nearly broke me mentally, I was a mess. Slowly starting to feel better.

Don’t even contemplate going back please. I’ve had the same thoughts then I read through my diary of the abuse and know I will not even risk living one more day like that.plus i wouldn’t put kids through going back as if I did I’d never be able to upgrade them again. It ripped their lives apart and they now nearly 6 months later are getting their sparkles back.

It’s so hard. Things are so tight financially as I’m trying to do everything to allow my kids to live the lives they did with hobbies etc but something is going to have to give or I’ll end up in debt again. God knows how I’ll afford the legal fees, I earn too much for legal aid and it’s you g to turn super nasty after Christmas eve I file for divorce.

I’m not always so brave but right now I think bring it on as I know I did the right thing and feel happier than I have fit many years.

Hugs ❤

[Tiffany]

For me, the clincher was that my partner gaslight me. There was emotional abuse, and financial abuse and then physical abuse and sexual abuse. I could explain away the emotional, financial, and sexual abuse through ignorance and cultural differences. And he never hit me hard enough to leave a bruise, so I could have talked myself into believing that the physical violence wasn’t that bad. But gaslighting. Systematically convincing me that I was going mad, that I was misremembering the past, that I couldn’t trust my memory? That’s something that you can’t do by accident. You can’t keep up consistent lies to mess with people’s realities by accident. That was what convinced me that he knew what he was doing.

It was tough to believe at first. He could be incredibly nice. He had looked after me when I first became disabled. He was always so kind to my family. But increasingly he was not kind to me, and used my disability to bolster his claims that I was going mad. And ultimately, once I left and had processed everything that he had done to me, I concluded that he couldn’t love, because fundamentally he believed that he and the things he wanted were more important than any of the people around him. Someone who is happy to hurt those closest to them in order to in order to get what they want from life, is not a loving individual.

I don’t know if my realisations are of any help in your processing. It’s kind of a thing you have to work through for yourself. Just keep reminding yourself of what he did and why you left. It all straightens itself out in your head in the end.

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