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I’m confused if he was or not. People told me he was but I’m unsure if im over reacting or if they are or if I maybe made him act that way towards me.
I couldn’t really talk to him about anything that upset me even if it was small. He would get extremely distressed if I did, literally would sulk and not talk to me. He would get upset and cry and i’d have to cheer him up and say sorry.
He gave me the silent treatment for days and I asked him to say sorry and got really upset. He told me I was crying at him and that it was so so much worse for him and that he was feeling bad.
When I was really distressed because he wasn’t speaking to me like I literally couldn’t think sleep or eat he told me it was so so bad for him and that I should think about him. He split up with me because I told him how bad I had made me feel. He didn’t want me to bring up any issues he just wanted us to be happy together but I felt like I couldn’t say anything to him without him flying off the handle and acting either enraged or just ignore me.
But I was overly critical of him, so does that mean I was doing it back? The thing is I’d ask him to do something cos I was upset and he’d tell me he’d do it and then would take aaages. I wouldn’t be happy about it and he’d tell me I was never happy with him. But I never asked him anything that unreasonable.
He always told me I didn’t trust him and to just trust what he said but he just never did anything.
He’d often be… evasive about things if not outright lying. Like he lied about loans he’d had in the past and when I was with him. He has memory problems due to the health condition he doesn’t take care of properly. So I thought it was down to his brain damage but he can speak clearly sometimes and not other times. He often denied things had happened even though I knew they had and convince me otherwise.
He hurt my neck trying to push my head down cos he thought I was cheating at a game. Does this count as physical abuse? Cos its not like he beat me up but it hurt. He’s physically restrained me when I was upset. He’s crushed my hands and stuff while trying to be playful but then immediately been like oh I hope you don’t think im hurting you ill be upset if you think that.
I commented (maybe being too critical) that he shouldn’t be eating something cos of his really bad health and he reacted by throwing it on the floor, getting out of bed and stomping down on it really hard again and again, storming out the room and barricading himself in the bathroom. His dad came up like W*F and I felt embarrassed like it was my fault I upset him – because my bf was crying and crying and wouldn’t speak to me. Then his stepdad tried to counsel it between us by saying perhaps I shouldn’t be too critical so I felt like it was all my fault.
The embarrassing one, last but not least, he bought condoms off of ebay and thought they were safe to use (what the hell). I very calmly told him we wouldn’t be using them and explained why and he still tried to push me to use them but then dramatically got up and tossed them in the bin and then kind of denied he had done it. He said he placed them in the bin and that he hadn’t yelled (he had).
Summary: I wanted some more opinions if it sounds like my bf was emotionally abusive towards me because people have said it and I’m not sure. I feel like maybe I provoked him be being too critical or something
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-he does not seem to care about your feelings, and actually enjoys hurting you
-it is all about him – ‘poor me’
-he wants you to feel like it is all your fault
-he enjoys punishing you with silent treatment
-he likes to deny things so that you get confused and end up questioning yourself – that is crazy-making stuff
-his impact on you is so bad that at time you cannot think, eat or sleep – very basic human rights
-he enjoys hurting your physically and making out that it is playful, and that you’re the one with the problem
-he has tantrums like a childThis is emotional and physical abuse.
Reflect on how your feel when you are with him and the impact he is having on you. It’s very damaging to be treated this way. He behaviour is likely to get worse, and you are likely to get more and more confused by his gaslighting.
Well done for questioning his behaviour and finding the forum
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Don’t worry about typos – I am the worst for that too!
Thank you for replying. I definitely felt like it got a lot worse a lot quicker towards the end. Thankfully I am not with him now – he broke up with me by phone in the end, about (detail removed by moderator) ago. He made me feel like it was all my fault and told me I am a horrible person, who is spiteful and puts him down to make myself feel better (??)
Is this abuse as bad as what other people experience though? He wasn’t beating me up (sorry if that is an insensitive way to phrase it)
He had an awful impact on me but is that my fault for how I reacted to him or is it all his doing? I don’t know.
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“He made me feel like it was all my fault and told me I am a horrible person, who is spiteful and puts him down to make myself feel better” – another sign of his abusive nature. In his mind he can’t possibly be in the wrong, so therefore it must be your fault. This is not the reality of the situation. He is in denial and wants to continue to hurt you. He is projecting his faults onto you. It is likely he will tell everyone it is you fault so he can recruit people to do abuse by proxy or to ensue no-one believes your truth.
“Is this abuse as bad as what other people experience though? He wasn’t beating me up (sorry if that is an insensitive way to phrase it)” – Yes – it sounds absolutely horrible. We are trained, by them, to accept and minimise the abuse. Mine was largely emotional abuse too. There was physical but he wasn’t beating me up. For me, the emotional abuse was far more damaging. The physical pain has gone but the emotional scars live on.
“He had an awful impact on me but is that my fault for how I reacted to him or is it all his doing? I don’t know.” The abuser is 100% response for abusive behaviour. If you want to consider ‘your part’ in the tango, ask yourself why did you allow someone to treat you so badly, and work on that. I hope that does not sound harsh – I am suggesting you practice self love, care and respect. Put yourself first for a change.
Have you had a look at lundy bancroft- why does he do that – it might help you.
It’s excellent you are no longer with your ex, Pasta. I suggest you go no-contact and learn what you can about abuse so that you don’t attract an abuser in the future.
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Right, I’ve started to realise that the things he accused me of doing were things he did. It makes me feel really embarrassed for the way he will speak about me and sex and stuff to other people.
When he ended the relationship he said ‘It was just a relationship that ended’ and I was like hell no you cant write off a (detail removed by moderator) year draining relationship like that. Yeah the physical stuff didn’t really bother me at the time – but it helped me snap out of liking him bc I ssaw how it could escalate into worse.
Thank you I think it’s cos I had nothing to compare it to.
I haven’t – is there a free copy online I can look t? or would I have to order it?
Thanks I did go no contact. I the end I had no choice cos he didn’t respond to me. I haven’t spoke to him in (detail removed by moderator) months. I saw him once in person and he blanked me. I’ve read a lot of websites about abuse but then it made me wonder if I was doing it to him because I wasn’t very nice to him the last 4-6 weeks but then I don’t think I was abusive. I just didn’t believe he would do things I wanted him to do because he’d shown me a million times that he wouldnt
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to clarify:
(sorry if that is an insensitive way to phrase it)” – Yes – it sounds absolutely horrible.
I mean his behaviour sounds horrible – not your phrasing – sorry about that x
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Not sure if there is a free copy online
Pat Craven – The Freedom Programme is worth a look too.The truth hurts but the truth is they don’t get healthy attachments to people so they don’t feel emotion about the end of a relationship (except for anger, unfortunately).
Very pleased about the no contact – no good can come from contact and it’s very good he is leaving you alone and not hoovering.
” I just didn’t believe he would do things I wanted him to do because he’d shown me a million times that he wouldn’t” – well done for realising this!!
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Thanks I will look into that I think there were some in my area but only during the day which I cant do.
Does that mean he never loved me though?
He talked about other girls a lot and he fancied literally every girl in our old friendship group which makes me feel really insecure and like i’m not special.
Is it bad that I am confused why he hasn’t tried to make contact? he literally dumped me by phone without really explaining why and then never bothered to clarify things. and he said he thought we would remain friends and I wanted to for a while (not now obviously). I suppose it is better he has left me alone but it makes me feel like im in the wrong still.
Thank you 🙂
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Pasta, you might find it helpful to call women’s aid. Unfortunately very few people (outside of survivors and specialists in abuse) understand what we go through and why it is so confusing and hard to move on. When healthy relationships end there is closure – but not for us. The abusers do not want us to feel at peace. They get a high from hurting us.
My abuser used to talk about other women and how amazing they were. He did this relentlessly. The truth is that he cared no more about these women than about me. Mine is not able to love anyone. He has an attachment disorder. He did not love me but that was because he is unable to love – not because I’m not worthy of love.
Before I learned this I felt hurt that he appeared to like these women more than me. The truth is he was grooming one of them so that he could abuse her next.It is no wonder you felt insecure – that is exactly how he wanted you to feel.
It is no wonder you are confused. Have a read about gas lighting and trauma bond. The more you are able to recognise abuse and understand trauma bond the more you will break your emotional connection with him and realise he was not worthy of you.
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