Was this abuse?

[Drowning]

I’ve written this so many times now.

I know my boyfriend was no good for me, I found out he was cheating on me and ended it, but I’m struggling and my friends think that’s because he was abusing me.

He was very insecure, as am I. But he would make sure I knew when he was talking to other girls, and then claim I’m seeing things, imagining things etc when I got anxious. Somehow I would feel guilty if a man spoke to me innocently, I felt guilty for exercising because he couldn’t see the point, I’m never going to be fast, so why keep trying. If I wanted to go out without him, because he was busy, I would get the silent treatment for days, because I deliberately did it knowing he would feel anxious.

So I stopped socializing. He would go out without me, but I couldn’t do the same.

I have had an eating disorder in the past, something he knows about, and yet he would stop me eating saying he was doing me a favour. I’ll ruin my dinner, and it wasn’t going to help me lose weight.

I felt fat, and ugly and used much of the time. And yet he was telling me he loved me, and he was just stressed at the situation (we lived (detail removed by moderator), both still in the family home following separation from spouses, although I did have a niggling doubt the whole time if he had actually left her 🙁 ) I so wanted to believe he felt the same way as me

I’m now (detail removed by moderator) on from seeing what I did. He told her our relationship was complicated, and that hurts more than anything 🙁 I don’t want him back, and I am having panic attacks frequently. Either triggered by remembering something or by being in a situation that would have previously caused him anxiety and therefore me to be made to feel guilty and as if I was doing it deliberately to hurt him.

I need to know how to move on, was this abuse? Was it just a misunderstanding and I’ve thrown away the love of my life?

[Lisa]

Dear Drowning,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post, I know it can be hard to write for the first time. Yes what you are explaining is abuse. You have explained emotional abuse and controlling behaviour, including gaslighting. Becoming isolated is also part of the abuse. The way you are feeling now, experiencing panic attacks; is because of the abuse. It sounds like you were made to feel guilty and that you have tried changing yourself in order to manage the situation or try to improve it. This doesn’t work because it’s not you that is at fault- it is him.

It is normal to feel very confused and distressed after a relationship like this, and to feel a range of emotions. It’s good that you’ve posted and I hope you keep doing so. You can also call the 24 hour National Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk to a female support worker in confidence; they won’t tell you what to do but can talk through your feelings and signpost you to further support.

Kind Regards and Keep Posting,

Lisa

[Author]

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