Was this sexual abuse?

[blaa]

Hi I am not in an abusive relationship now but was in the past and often have flashbacks and upsetting memories of a previous abusive relationship and this morning on my mind is something that happened with my ex’s friend, I was young and my ex was physically emotionally sexually and even financially abusisve and is now in prison for a very long time for another serious crime but there was a time we were at a crack den type house where he had business and his friend was there, me and ex were having sex in the bathroom his friend kept asking to join us he said no and my ex said come in a minute as he was always telling me to sleep with his friends I obviously said no way, when we finished I was still naked when is friend came in needing the toilet I tried to grab my clothes and leave the room and he said no and pulled me down to sit on the seat he still had his penis out and was telling me to give him oral I kept saying no several times and when I tried to stand up he pushed me back down in the end I was tired felt nervous of what he would do if I kept saying no and knew he wouldn’t take no for an answer and gave in and we ended up having sex, the next day I felt so disgusting Even after shower I felt filthy for days I felt like a sl ut as it was my descision and always wished I stuck to no I think I was confused and scared as I’d witnessed alot of violence that night before hand thought my ex wanted me to he was always trying to get me to sleep with his friends and once strangled me because I refused to give oral sex to five men this was after this happened but I always thought was this my fault it still upsets me and disgusts me even though was a few years ago sorry long story thanks if you read sorry I feel bad as I’m not in danger now I don’t want to waste anyone time

[blaa]

He was also very dirty and smelly which makes me feel even more sick I just hate it it’s probably one of my worst memories my biggest regrets and maybe if I feel less responsibility I can be less disgusted with myself if he forced it but I did agree in the end which makes me feel weak I should have stayed strong and kept saying no or screamed for my ex

[blaa]

Sorry another thing was that while we were having sex I remember how horrible it felt and to make it feel less awful like I was less of a piece of meat I think I don’t really know why but I went to kiss him and he said eurgh and that really hurt me

[Lisa]

Hi blaa,

I’m so sorry to read what you have been through, what you explain is sexual abuse. This man used both physical force and coercion to make you have sex with him. If you felt that you had to ‘give in’ because of fear of what might happen if you didn’t, this is sexual abuse. By law, in order to consent to sexual activity, a person has to have ‘freedom and capacity to make a choice’ and you did not have this. You say it was ‘your decision’ but it was not, you were not given a decision. None of what happened was your fault. The only person responsible for this is the man who abused you.

It is completely understandable and very common to have flashbacks and nightmares for some time after a traumatic experience like this, and it sounds like you have been through a great deal of serious abuse.
It is also very common to not feel ready to talk about abuse or get support until some time after it.
I really encourage you to get some good support to help you work through this and start to heal.

You could start by ringing the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. Also you can find you local domestic abuse service and ask if they have any recovery programmes/ support groups or put you in touch with a counsellor.

You could also have a look at the Rape Crisis website for specialist support regarding sexual abuse; http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk

You are not alone, keep posting,

Lisa

[Serenity]

Hi Blaa,

It certainly was abuse, because you were made to feel fearful and coerced. You didn’t feel you had a choice- or were scared to assert your choice.

I can understand that you might have gone to kiss him in a desperate attempt to make the whole thing less clinical and inhumane.

It’s important to tell about this with someone, however far in the past it was. I have DV counselling, and am discussing events even from my childhood.

Well done for having the courage to share. Talking about it with trusted and trained people will help you to work through this.

X*x

[Falling Skys]

Hi Blaa

Hugs xx

So pleased you are no longer in an abusive relation, you need to put this to rest for you, I am going for rape counselling for things in the past.

Good luck.

FS xx

[blaa]

Hi again I just want to say thank you to you all for your kind and supportive replies mean so much and was worried about posting something so personal but it’s really good that this forum makes us feel so comfortable to talk about things we’d never say to others, thanks again hope you are all ok

[Author]

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