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    • #145319
      Midnightwolf
      Participant

      Hi I’m just looking for some advice, I was with my ex for (detail removed by Moderator) years, I suffered with vaginismus and found it very painful or sometimes impossible to have sex, on a few occasions when we were having sex and it would start to get painful I would ask him to stop but he never would and when asked afterwards he would always say that he never heard me, this had happened on at least 3 separate occasions, each time him saying he didn’t hear me, also one time when I said it was really painful and to stop he stopped but told me he couldn’t for long because it would go down if he wasn’t moving, also he would sometimes ask for sex and when told no he would sulk and say that I didn’t care about him and he would nag me for it, sometimes I would just give in just so he wouldn’t feel bad, but sometimes I just hated having sex, also I hated having my nipples touched but when I told him this he told me tndidnt matter because he liked to play with them and would carry on anyway, I really don’t know what all this means wheather it can be classed as sexual assault or not, but thank you for reading and sorry for the long post, also after we broke up I learned that he is a n********t and had been gaslighting me thoughtout the whole relationship.

    • #145320
      searchingforhope
      Participant

      Hey @midnightwolf, this wasn’t right. He just wanted his needs met and ignored you. Easy for him to say after he didn’t hear you. He showed you no consideration. I’m only getting to grips with similar myself recently. It’s so hard and confusing, I know for me I took things that were happening as normal and questioned myself being the problem. But like the campaigns say, no means no. Both people must consent for it to be ok and you can withdraw consent at any stage. This is very difficult to process when you are being gaslit also.
      My heart goes out to you, as I know how you feel. I’m glad that you are out of it now. Like one counsellor told me on the Rape helpline, it’s trying to learning to live with that it happened now. Unfortunately it can’t be changed and no one can fix it. I’m glad now you are realising. It will hopefully make you stronger going forward.
      Sending love to you xx

      • #145330
        Midnightwolf
        Participant

        Thank you so much for reading and replying,
        I’m sorry that you have been through something similar, I wish you all the best
        Sending you my love xx

    • #145366
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Dear Midnightwolf,

      Welcome to the forum, I’m glad you’ve felt able to post.

      If you asked him to stop during sex and he didn’t you were not giving your consent to continue. If you had to give in because of his nagging, which many women find themselves doing, this is coercion. Any sexual activity without consent is sexual abuse, so yes, what you have explained is sexual abuse. I know being told this and having these realisations yourself is a lot to process. Have a look at the Rape Crisis website under sexual consent. They also have a helpline, it might be useful to chat to someone and get some support to help you through this.

      Take care of yourself,

      Lisa

      • #145425
        Midnightwolf
        Participant

        Thank you so much I shall have a look on the website
        Also thank you for reading and replying

    • #145668
      Yellow-flower
      Participant

      Sounds like my life …

      I woke up with him helping himself to my body .

      When I was drunk, I’d wake up trying to figure out what was going on and he’d stop until I passed back out.

      I’d say no and he would carry on , he would sulk for days I’d feel guilty so I’d lie there and let him do what he had to do .

      Is this how it’s ment to be

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