Wasn’t sure it was abuse until I left…

[Worriedandunsure]

So i recently left my long term partner because I fell out of love, after doing everything for him and our kids whilst he provided money only but didn’t work. I do and have to work around school because he wouldn’t always help look after his kids so I could work. He does nothing to help around the house, cooks zero meals, does no school runs, I stay up with the kids if they are sick. Says the kids are faking illness and send them school because it means he has to look after them whilst i work. The kids hate him looking after them because he is lazy and puts them on edge to ask for anything. We do live separate after a previous split so it claims he shouldn’t have to do anything to help me in my house because he has his own but his kids reside at mine and he comes over everyday and eats at mine. He doesn’t bother with the kids at all other then financially and use them to get at me.

After leaving he lovebombed me I guess, usually I cave, so he is really going for it just waiting for me to crack. He’s promising me the world and he can change, if only I would give hin one last chance. He only cares about his feelings and not mine. He is just refusing to accept it is over and I’m not in love with him anymore, although I do love him as my kids dad and a friend and because of our history. In the short time we’ve been broke up he has contacted me daily. Something else happened in his life shortly after but I had to be there for him, which didn’t help the situation. During the time we have been split up he argues constantly in front of the kids. Points out I wouldn’t have this and that if not for him. Slags me off to our eldest but she tells me everything. She has told me she doesn’t want me to get back with him. He has got drunk and been vile, not physical but did ask me if I wanted a punch for not doing as he wanted. But he blames it all on the drink and his hurt for being spiteful. He’s threatened to kill himself, take my kids (no chance) , s**g me off, put me down but then begs for another chance. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. I moved away from family to be with him. I share a car with him so stranded without it, (detail removed by Moderator) he takes it whenever he can just to inconvenience me. He knows I feel guilty about hurting/leaving him and he plays on it. I’m so confused, one minute he is nice as pie and then he turns nasty. I just need some space. I wish I could run away and just escape the misery but I’m stuck. I guess I just need reassurance that it is emotional abuse and I’ve done the right thing leaving. My problems seem so small compared to a lot on here.

[Wants To Help]

Hi worriedandunsure,

Welcome to the forum and I hope you find the support and validation you are looking for here.

Your problems are not small, they are significant because of the effect they are having on you and all of the children. Spend some time reading through the posts on here and you will find so many similarities with abuser behaviour. Your ex has no respect for you or your boundaries and he is using you to suit his own needs. Not only is he emotionally abusive but he is also mentally abusive and abusing your financial situation, and expecting you to be a baby sitter for his children too. I’m not surprised that ‘something happened’ in his life shortly after you broke up that you had to be there for him. In reality, you probably didn’t, but the kind and caring person that you are thought that that was the ‘right thing to do’ when someone needs help. Abusers always manage to create some sort of drama that they can’t get through without us. They can manipulate expertly!

What helps a lot is that you no longer love this man. Many ladies on here still love their abuser and want him to change because of their love for him. Love comes in many forms, but an ‘intimate’ love that we usually feel for a partner (and is not the way we love our kids, our parents, our friends or our pets) is one of the things that keep us bonded to them for longer than we should. If you no longer love him in this way it should be easier (yes I know, easier said than done!) to put your boundaries in place and keep him away from you emotionally. He cannot just turn up at your house when he wants, expect to be fed, expect you to look after his children. Separations are difficult for children, but you can’t live a life of unhappiness for someone else’s children, it’s hard enough living a life of unhappiness for our own children. There may be a legal or safeguarding reason why his children live with you and not him, and if so, this is going to be hard for you, especially if you are close to them and have a bond with them.

His drinking is no excuse for the abuse. If his drinking is a problem then what’s he doing about it? Is he going to Alcoholics Anonymous, has he seen his GP about it? No? Well, it’s not a problem to him then is it so he’s not going to stop drinking. Threatening to punch you is not acceptable drunk or sober.

If you have your own place, have you considered obtaining a Non Molestation Order to keep him away from the house?

[Author]

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