Watching him carefully have you done this?

[Chocolatebunnie]

I’m guessing the answer will be yes to this in some cases.

So it’s half term, busy week, 24/7 kids, no help as he’s tired after work so I’m frustrated I let things slide.

Normally that’s an issue, he will make remarks, nothing! Maybe that’s to come, instead I’m cross as I’m rushed of my feet and he’s just chilling. Asked for help but he can’t too tired. I am holding back a little here but all the resentment I feel is brewing. Older kids saying why do I put up with his lack of support etc.

One of the other kids very upset, having a crisis, so I’m comforting and again frustrated fed up with putting up with how we live not just the abuse but our conditions. At this point I snapped, I almost order him to go get something to help the situation. It’s strange he just doesn’t react naturally to want to help like no response. But with my ‘order’ or snapping at him at this point has caused him to retaliate but I wasn’t having it. I stuck up for myself.

He has tried to be nice and it hasn’t worked so he’s being snappy and off too. I’ve just had enough.

I just wondered once you see him for who he is did you start to sort of rebel or just not except things when you see it’s happening? It’s like I can’t help but test him to see if I’m right, but worry now I’m the one with the problem as I have so much resentment buried inside me.

Interested to hear your thoughts

CB X

[Lizardlady]

Hi chocolatebunnie,
I’m so sorry for your situation.
My perspective is that we’ve been together for decades and I couldn’t see his abusive tactics and behaviour until recently.
Now I have I can’t unsee it and every time I see one of his manipulation tactics it gives me a ball of anxiety where I want to scream I know exactly what you’re doing! I know this is pointless because he twists everything to make himself the victim regardless.
As I have realised more and more I have definitely started to stick up for myself a lot more.
This is why he had his latest outburst because he knew his normal tricks weren’t working on me and it ended in him exploding and me calling the police.
I am stuck in a situation now where the adult kids can’t see through him and feel pressured to take him back once again.
I know I’m definitely on the way out though now there’s nothing to fight for and I know he won’t change so even though I’m staying put for now I have plans for leaving firmly set in place.
Always here for a listening ear
Good luck

[Hereforhelp]

Once you see it you can’t unsee it… I was decades married.. yes I did test, record and wrote a.journal…. he was a very abusive man…

[Lizardlady]

Hereforhelp… Same here. Decades married and I’ve only saw it recently. Now I can see nothing else… Everything he does is for his own gratification in some way. Even the nice bits.

[Better-days]

Reading this is so relatable I deal with everything the kids can be totally hanging off me while I do things and he would watch u struggle before offering a hand. What worries me is and I have told him this what kind of mum am I if I allow my kids to think this is normal like that that’s the way it should be. I wish I had the strength to go. One day I will but yes I’m stronger too he plays the victim more now he knows I don’t want him why on earth would u stay in a relationship when u know the other person dosnt want it. It’s weird.

[MrsTurtle]

I agree with the others. Once you “see” it, it is all you can “see”. It really is like a switch being clicked. For me it took years of making excuses and minimising his behaviour to finally “see”, but once i had it was the beginning of the end. I became super resentful but kept my feelings to myself to keep myself safe. Those feelings manifested in not wanting to be around him because i was inwardly screaming at his behaviour. It was never a conscious decision but i avoided him, only spoke when spoken to and declined any physical intimacy. He then left (detail removed by Moderator) one night claiming i was abusing him by “withholding affection”. This was a godsend. I never let him back. This was (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and i am now HAPPY!!! We have no contact. I was validated by the police (detail removed by Moderator). So, i completely understand what you are saying. Even pictures of him turn my stomach. Once the mask falls off that is it. Good luck!

[Chocolatebunnie]

I see it but switching between I guess denial, trauma bonded and then anger and frustration

Same as you been together decades, anxiety and upsets wondering what’s wrong with me to then start to learn it’s not.

I’m sure I will get there eventually just a painful process when you have up admit the Perrin you think they are snd see sometimes, that you love isn’t entirely who they are

[Author]

Posts