7th January 2022 at 5:53 am #136644
I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept properly since (removed by moderator) and I am just so tired…
I have been married for a long time. Teenage children. I knew from the day I met him that he was damaged and going to be hard work, but I thought I could save him. He was outgoing and fun and loud and confident and I loved the fact that he no fear and could take me to places that I was too scared to go to on my own.
Many decades later, and after counselling, I can see him for what he is. As my counsellor said, the word n********t is overused and does not excuse his behaviour, but he is displaying extreme behaviour.
I have been subject to verbal and emotional abuse for decades. Every book or article I read, describes every type of abuse I have been through,other than physical. I hate the word abuse, but he has criticised me constantly, told me I am not pretty, need (removed by moderator), should never smile in photos because (removed by moderator), doesn’t like me (removed by moderator) because I’m ugly, said I have an unattractive personality, said I have no aspiration, said I hold him back.
I have pulled him through mental health crisis after crisis. He gives me no space whatsoever when I am at home. Calls me when I am out. Demands constant attention. Sulks when he doesn’t get it.
Chases women. Tells me he would never have an affair, but falls in love all the time. Literally tries to get off with my friend in front of me.
And then, when I am breaking, tells me that I am bit trying hard enough to meet him halfway. That he us only with he because he has nowhere better to go.
I just collapsed physically. This was (removed by moderator) and I’ve been a wreck ever since. I’ve seen my doctor, got counselling, and I can see it now. I’m working on space and boundaries and attempting to build up my self esteem and physical strength.
But (removed by moderator) he just started again as soon as I got home from work. In front of our son. Blaming me. Saying that I was punishing him and he’d done nothing wrong. I could hear every word of the abuse and projection and power over stuff.
So I took him into the other room and said that I wasn’t punishing him, that he needs to get support because this is heading towards divorce because it is killing me.
Obviously, it’s now all about him. He won’t let me get divorced. There are no grounds. He’s done nothing wrong. He hasn’t changed. I know what he’s like. He can’t help it if he falls in love with other women.
I haven’t slept. I’ve been up all night. I love him but I deserve more than this. I can’t unsee the abuse now. I’ve got to protect the children and I’m terrified. This is a long marriage, where I have built up a life. Done 99% of the house/children /emotional support. And it’s hit me that, if I want to get out of this, I’m going to have to do 99% of the work to do this.
And I’m just not strong enough.
7th January 2022 at 7:19 am #136647DarcyParticipant
Hi beautiful Angel,
This man sounds terrible and I can feel your despair from your post
From what you are saying you have been living like this for a while. When we don’t listen to the whispers … the warning signs… sometimes we get shouted at
In your case this happened physically by your collapse in September … this was your body now screaming at you saying I cant go on like this, this was not a break down but a break through… your warning that you need to make changes
The beginning of your journey to wellness and happiness
This is your time now my darling … he will not change and probably just get further down the path he’s on… but you can change and in you changing it will change the dynamic of things
Start now … TODAY!… by tuning into yourself and giving yourself what you need
Until you start with yourself and self care nothing will change
Yes you will still have to appease this man while you grow stronger but unless you put the focus on yourself and put some love into yourself everything will stay the same
It doesn’t have to be a massive over haul … start slowly
Sleep is clearly something you need so start to but together a bedtime routine
How’s your diet, are you drinking enough water, are you getting out in the fresh air? things like this… simple but important things
Get to love yourself again, start to look at yourself in the mirror and really notice and except the lady looking back at you … she needs you to step up for her
Try and start to visulise how you want your life to be … I use to have a mantra going round and round in my head ‘I’m going to have it all again and more’ something like this … he doesn’t have to know what is going on in your head
I know all this is difficult living with a man that demands your full attention
I use to escape to the bathroom saying I had a bad stomach and practice yoga in there!
Small steps like this will start to improve your confident and build your boundaries and make you see the issues are his not yours
I always recommend reading or listening to Louise Hay ‘You Can Heal Your Life’
Most of all stay safe my angel, I believe you have the power to change, now you need to believe it
Sending you continued love and support
7th January 2022 at 12:44 pm #136659nbumblebeeParticipant
I wanted to reach out as out stories are very similar.
Im here too and have been a while.
Things will take time take things slow and steady and at your own pace. Youve been so brave by coming here and sharing and my goodness the ladies on here have held me up more times than i dare say so use this forum often read posts on here read advise over and over again, i often come on here when im lonley when hes on one and i feel comfort.
Its not easy I wont lie this realisation really hits you hard and takes everything you have to get your head round iy, i cant sleep i hardly eat some weeks it all feels too much but i get through and you will too.
Keep talking keep reaching out use this forum read all you can when you feel brave enough reach out further talk to the chat at womans aid gain some more advice there, just keep moving foward once you see the abuse you cant unsee it so you have to just work out a plan foward.
I cant help much I really cant but ladies on here can and will, we got you now and you are not alone. Xxxx
7th January 2022 at 1:40 pm #136660GoldenretrieveherParticipant
Giving you a big virtual hug. Yes you must as the others say focus on yourself and self love. Their needs are exhausting and your body is telling you. Start slowly self loving again, instead of loving someone who is not returning that loving. A gentle warning though, as he sees you get stronger he may resort to other tactics or become more extreme. Please do not allow that to affect you …. keep going with the self love and I hope from there you find the strength for your journey ahead.
7th January 2022 at 2:31 pm #136663Twisted SisterParticipant
Just wanting to send you every strength and wish for a better future. Keep wishing for that better future for you all.
He can’t stopped you getting divorced, but you may have to anticipate that he will put on every brake he can.
If he doesn’t respond to divorce papers wsithin a given timeframe, then the divorce will go ahead without him. He literally is not allowed to stop you divorcing him. So thats on your side.
Also if you call Rights of Women, they can give you some free legal advice specifically around your divorce and current legal situation, which is their specialism. Don’t give up love, its just hit you hard whats been going on, that he’s fully aware of, and now you are too its impossible to not see, as you say.
Go slowly and carefully and keep your plans to yourself, only trusting the very trustworthy to speak to about it, as it is surprisingly easy for them to get to your friends and family with wheedling and guilt trip to then give out information that you’ve entrusted them with, so forearm any that you speak to that he may do this and they mustn’t give away any details, it could easily lead to escalation and put you all at risk as he is so mentally on another planet about what he sees as a fit way to treat his family. In abusing you he is abusing his children too, which makes him a terrible father.
Keep in mind your plans, and strength, it is in there, and it will come back if you keep on this path you have now seen and started.
warmest wishes ts
7th January 2022 at 5:10 pm #136670
Thank you, everyone. I can feel myself relax as I read your replies. I am not great at putting myself first, but I know that I have no choice. I’m also not great at confiding in people. He has alienated so many of my friends with his behaviour, but when I started to open up to them, they have appeared like angels and I now have a small network of friends I can rely on.
Every single friend has independently said exactly the same thing. He is hard. He is extreme. They wondered how I was surviving and thought I would c***k many years before. They think I’ve been depressed for years. And he has got worse in recent years.
Every single person has said this, and they don’t know 95% of what’s been happening. I’ve bottled it a up for so long, the pain is now hitting me hard. Stuff from 15 years ago, is just rising to the surface and is like stabbing pain.
But I still wonder whether I am over exaggerating. Then I mention something to a friend, sometimes it just slips out because I remember it, and the look of total shock on their faces.
I feel totally stupid for putting up with it. I’m a professional woman. I deal with people in crisis daily. I understand empathy and abuse. But I just did not see this.
I just thought he was fun, and confident, and that I wasn’t good enough or fun enough for him. The joke is that, without me, he wouldn’t have this life. I do literally everything, and then get constant criticism about it.
But he’s clever. He rarely shouts. He doesn’t name cl. It’s all very clever, passive aggressive, a lot of it is dressed up as humour and then I am told I’m too sensitive and can’t take a joke. But it’s constant noise and attention seeking. The children have had enough, I think. We’ve all had enough.
8th January 2022 at 10:29 pm #136736
Sorry, me again.
He spoke to a friend. He’s now telling me that he understands that a marriage breakdown is not about fault, and that he is therefore not at fault. But he understands that he is complicated and that I am not strong enough to cope at the moment. So he is going to get counselling.
And then he asked if I have a plan to move in with another man!
And now he’s following me around the house. Phoning and texting me when I was at the shop. Praising my housework. Telling the children to help me because I am ill. Insisting on family time.
This is what always throws me, every time. It is manipulation, isn’t it? It’s like he’s forgotten everything I said to him. And everything he did.
He’s so confident and cocky. I can see it in his eyes. But two days ago, he was crying because I told him this was going to end in divorce. Now he’s patting me on the head and telling me that everything is going to be fine. How can he just switch like this?
8th January 2022 at 10:46 pm #136737KIP.Participant
It’s classic domestic abuser manipulation in the cycle of abuse. He doesn’t love you. There is no bond. No depth. That’s how he can switch so quickly. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven.
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