- This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 6 months ago by
PaleBlueStar.
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7th August 2020 at 4:41 pm #111734
PaleBlueStar
ParticipantI read this line and it spoke to me
While I’ve been married, always at the back of mind has been the thought, that what I have is all I can have as I am damaged, broken, not good enough or normal.
I am the one that works and beyond that I’m controlled. All the big decisions are not taken by me and I constantly tread on eggshells. Lockdown was extreme and one night I snapped and threw (detail removed by moderator) which smashed.
This was after I was being taunted over issues relating to our son not studying and preferring to go online. It felt so unfair as I do my best but I also have to work, work, work. But now this is mentioned all the time as evidence of my dangerous abusive bullying behaviour. To frighten and contain me.
But I’ve woken up. I’ve realised I’m not living the life I deserve. I’ve not survive cancer and sepsis and other other awful things to live in the shadows. Without a voice. Apologising every two minutes.
I am not a bully. But I am emotionally bullied. And threatened with violence including being pinned down.
I am not abusive. But I do occasionally defend myself or my children.
I am creative and want to make a nice peaceful beautiful hone for myself. I live under a tight regime at the moment.
I’m told what I think.
I have no voice.
That’s why I’m on this forum. I need to change my life. I need to live the life I deserve.
I am taking legal advice and nay also try and speak to someone on here. It could help me as I often believe him. That I’m a disgusting selfish abusive bully. I’m not that person.
How did my life get this small? Will I have the strength to crawl out?
Thanks for listening.
Star x
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7th August 2020 at 5:26 pm #111735
Anonymous
InactiveRealising you don’t deserve it is the first step.
Until I was free I didn’t understand the extent to which I was controlled and how badly he treated me. I’ve never looked back and don’t regret it other than wishing I’d done it sooner.
Hope to welcome you to the other side soon!
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7th August 2020 at 5:29 pm #111736
Anonymous
InactiveI read once that you should see everything they accuse you of as a confession of what they themselves have done. My ex told me I was the abusive one, needed to get help for my issues, etc. And like you I defended myself every now and again, although he just used that as evidence to back his case. I gave up in the end; it wasn’t worth it. The only way to escape his accusations was to get out, so I did.
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7th August 2020 at 7:02 pm #111738
Lottieblue
ParticipantThank you Star, that is brilliantly said. You are an example to us all. I’m with you. If we were allowed, I’d be holding your hand. Take me with you.
Please keep us posted. Your strength is an inspiration. X*x
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8th August 2020 at 8:11 am #111750
Weepingwillow
ParticipantWell said Star x
How did our lives get so small ? How did we get sucked into this life of daily criticism. How did we come to believe their version of what we are ?
Mine calls me a lazy *** but I’ve worked our whole relationship while he’s flirted between jobs
He calls me a n**c and control freak but he controls me and the kids
He accuses me of seeing other men but he’s the one messaging other women
The list goes on ….
I try to convince myself I can leave but I have this voice in my head saying I will never be good enough , I’m nothing without him
Hoping me and all those in this situation to find the strength to crawl out soon xx -
8th August 2020 at 8:12 pm #111774
Eggshells
ParticipantHi Weepingwillow. Just as they reverse it and tell us that we are abusive, you should also reverse things in this land of oppositional truths. It’s him that doesn’t deserve you and it’s him that will struggle to live without you. You will find what you need to get out. You all will. If you have the will to do it, you will find a way.
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11th August 2020 at 9:37 pm #111912
PaleBlueStar
Participant@weepingwillow @eggshells @lottieblue We should not and will not believe them. We are not abusive – we are abused. We are not crazy – we are mad about the situation. We are not powerless – but we have handed over and need to reclaim our power.
We can do this 💪💪💪 We deserve so much late than we have had. We deserve the life we always wanted. Freedom, reside t, control, PEACE.
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