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As I untangle myself from decades of abuse, something I thought about tonight was how much my self worth was wrapped up in him. How I craved his approval to make me feel good about myself. That’s all changing now. He’s nothing to me and I’m my own person. I don’t need his approval or attention for anything. It’s awful how they affect us X
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That’s what kept me there, KIP.
They could be so nice at the beginning, that there was a sudden ‘fall from grace’ and we started to get treated less, that was the beginning of us trying to regain their approval, of trying to convince them that we weren’t guilty of what they might be accusing us of.
Of course, it was all a tactic. By making us feel we’d somehow failed, they knew we wouldn’t leave ( as we’d blame ourselves) and that we’d spend the entire time trying harder.
I think my priority from here on in will be to protect my sense of separate self. Never again will I allow myself to be taken so much for granted and mistreated by someone who believes, and almost makes me believe, that I am merely an extension of them.
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I understand where you are coming from and although I do not need my abusers approval anymore unfortunately he has brainwashed and conditioned our daughter to where she needs his approval. Even though I had recommended reading Shahida Arabi who understands the dynamics of the n**********c applying and using the information is not easy and my abuser is so adept at using the pleasure/pain principle and he is so strong willed she believes everything is fine even though it is not and he has successfully gradually brought her around to his way of thinking. I feel sick inside knowing that I finally realize what he has been doing for years only to realize that I still have been unable to protect our daughter from his tactics. Our son is like two people at times, one seems to be a good listener and logical while the other can be critical and caustic, it is absolutely terrifying to see that part of his father in my son. As hard as it is to say I have to step back and pray that they realize what is going on because otherwise it will not do me or them any good if I get pulled back into the insane dance with my abuser again. I have to trust God and try to protect myself otherwise I am so predictable and he will manipulate me easily again as his old target and I will feel degraded and helpless again and that will not protect our daughter or son.
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HI Serenity did you feel like that to others in your life to, a mere extension, because I do, He so did that to me, but I think before him too, I used to feel people would take all they could from me, felt so so used, I think he like all abusers saw my weakness in being a people pleaser, saw me as a mere extension, I’d do all the things he couldn’t, He was empty cold & vile, he’d mimic my kindness to others & I’d think He’s using my emotions to make himself look good when really he’s a Bd x
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The more I discover the more I realise that it’s not about violence. In the end the violence is used to back up the mental and emotional abuse and controlling behaviour. Just another tool in their tool box from hell. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Onwards and upwards…..
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In my research I read that inconsistent praise brings about desired behavior and I realize now that it is about control and mentally and emotionally abusive/controlling behavior so that emotionally the abuser mirrors our emotions while feeding on them and degrading us so that he feels important and not so empty inside. Looking back I can see now that no matter what I did or did not do he always knows how to twist things around and make himself look good while making me look crazy or violent. Terrified and nervous because I know what he is capable of and yet so many people believe his alternative plausible explanations. His image is important and he knows how to protect it so well. What is scary is that his claim of not having any enemies because they are dead or destroyed I believe because he is an expert at waging psychological warfare and yet he seems to appear innocent and so many people are fooled by him. I pray that I can have the strength to step back and hope that our daughter and son will realize something is seriously wrong without making me the scapegoat cuz I am tired of always being blamed no matter what I do or do not do. The mental and emotional abuse is worse than the physical.
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Yes my self worth, esteem, mental health appearance, confidence were all wrapped up in my abuser. he stopped abusing and left when he realized I was broken and I could no longer fight back.
Now I have regained some of my fight he is causing problems again…its his co dynamic behaviour, aligned to his self belief that he has been hard done by and that wives are leaches and parasites …lol
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Kip your right parasite is them not us. I used to think mine was just that, a nasty piece of work, the joker, a vindictive self centered weak coward…My problem was putting him first and making him feel special, at my expense. Makes me feel sick, literally when I see a photo of him, even the happy looking ones are false, no more.
I’m on my guard…Though people are confusing I used to be so trusting and open. He’s spolied all that side of my nice nature, it’s about breaking free of that life, piece by piece!Hugs Cx
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Kip, your words ‘fall from grace’ really struck me. That’s exactly how it was! He had me on a pedestal for ages, then my humanity got in the way and made some mistakes some genuine(as we all do) and some ‘hidden’ ones (as in I hadn’t realised I had broken some unspoken ‘rules’). Toward the end he would always hold up how I used to be. Organised, sensual, happy. Eveything that went wrong was my fault. When the abuse escalated near the very end he went on about how partnerships went smoother when one was subservient. He reminded me how it used to be when we 1st met – what he meant was I was more controllable. He spent the last period of time trying to break me, assert his complete control over me.
I didn’t break. I grew stronger. While he’s the one whose broken though I wonder for how long? ….
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Ditto, I Will Be Ok,
My ex said I had ‘changed’ ( meaning I had found my voice and started to challenge his cruel behaviours).
He also said that ‘we were both strong personalities.’ In other words, it only worked whilst I was submissive and let him do as he liked- and in his eyes, a relationship was only possible with a submissive woman, as he liked to hold the controls.
Because I couldn’t take it any more, and began to assert myself, he went. Plus I think he knew I’d had enough of him!
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