Weak? Yes! Incredibly strong? Yes!

[Anonymous]

Strange heading for a post I know. But I feel both & was wondering if anyone feels the same. I Feel so weak now after years of being abused, but also incredibly strong that I managed to get away. Why does everyone also think we still have some hidden power to do this all on our own? We are away, but haunted by what happened to us, some still have it happening to them, to you all I pray we all can regain the strength & courage to rebuild our lives. But how do we ever learn to put faith in our what we build, I truly don’t think I ever will lose the fear of people in general now, my trust feels shattered beyond all recognition. It is like no one will accept that we are human & yes it is probably true that we need to be treated with very sensitive & understanding people, anyone who isn’t, who gets harsh or abrupt, or even demanding, even professionals, psychiatrists, GPS, support workers, I just want to run & scream “leave me alone if you do not truly understand what years of abuse does” does anyone now feel as isolated, misunderstood, weak but you know how incredibly strong you’ve had to be for years. Where in the heck now you are so seriously broken, Anxieties sky high, nerves on a raw edge 24/7 do you find use strength to start fighting for survival. I don’t sleep well, have ptsd, depression too. Certainly don’t want others sympathy but need a huge amount of understanding to get through this. I am unable to work as have been in such a dreadful state, Most days all I can find the strength to do is get up, washed, dressed, small bits like washing on & out & in again then I’m exhausted. Is anyone alot further down the line to me, has anyone been this low & still recovered fully, managed to get over the abuse, regain enough strength to work & furthermore feel brave enough to make new friends, be brave enough to enter new relationships? I know I’m asking alot as everyone is different, just wondering if rebuild is possible when starting from below rock bottom xx

[iwillbeok]

Hi Blueberry,
I totally agree with your post title! I was weakened by him (my self esteem was so low, I was surviving from day to day) but then he pushed too far too fast and I found the strength (somewhere, somehow – it felt like an out of body experience!) and I got away!

I was a complete mess! I couldn’t work for a number of weeks…

Sorry kids are home – I have to run will come back shortly..

x

[Anonymous]

Hi Iwillbeok I felt so desperately scared & desperately low,I managed quite a few years of struggling to get through each day, wanted to go to bed & not wake up again. It was when his abuse got to daily & everything I said & did was criticised, even my breathing was too loud. I tolerated well over a decade, He started to scare me beyond being scared, he also abused outside our home, he abused his own relatives, he lived his life in anger. I have no idea how I hung on but was trapped in a vile situation. I look back & finally found the courage to say no to forced through pressure of threats having sex, I had found out he’d joined dating websites, had told me it was OK if Any man slept with prostitutes, the abuse intensified over time until it was daily. Over the years my honeymoon period was just 3 weeks max of no scoldings, never any I love You or sorry I won’t do it again, it took me years to realise that he had a very serious problem, once he realised I’d worked it out it got awful. The weaker I got the more his abuse heightened! I even felt sorry for him after I left, I will never understand why I didn’t piece it all together truly until this last year, worst year of my life, worse than any year with him, I feel so exhausted & so worthless. Spent so many years defending myself it honestly feels like I was in a never ending being on guard 24/7 still feel it now. My confidence has been completely destroyed. Wish so much I didn’t feel like a scared child but that is exactly how I felt & feel x

[iwillbeok]

I’m back, sorry Blueberry – rough night. My kids are so unsettled when they come back from seeing him. I think its getting better, slowly… They project their hurt, fear and frustration onto each other and get in the worst rows. I can see so much of his traits coming through it scares me.

I know what u mean about struggling day to day only in my case i would wake up early (to get some me time), couldnt get out the house early enough as work was my refuge!

Our environment was so subtly toxic for so long. I just havent realised the full extent til recently – as i said to one friend it was so subtle and so long term that it was normal, its only once you’re out/getting out that you think what the actual??! Even then only since being on here and doing more reading (highly recommend Lundy Bancroft) that there were so many lightbulb moments – that behaviours of his weren’t just ‘the way he was’ or to do with his depression/anxiety/OCD/his childhood – he was abusive.

He never hit me but would shout and throw tjibgs. There was constant nit-pucking over how things were done/not done. “You used to be so organised”. It was, of course my fault that he couldn’t help out – I had set it up that way. He didnt know where things were/ how to do tjibgs – i made charts for the recycling and rubbish bins in detail; never once put the bins out. I made a list and at first thought this is just a whiney naggy wife list – but as it went on and i dug deeper there was definitely an unequal relationship where he held all the control.

Things escalated to sexual abuse – he was on the biggest power trip ever. He told me he drew the line at rape but that what he said he wanted he would get. He said he wouldn’t rape mr but he already had.

I still question and doubt myself in decision making. Keep incurring fees on the bank account as i cant bear to look at financial stuff. He has asked for half the savings (crazily enough theyre in my name!) along with sob story of his financial situation (i dont care i keep tellibg myself but cant quite yet believe). I know i need to get some legal/financial help but im just too scared of the cost / will they be sympathetic / will this stir the hornest nest (he has been so carefully reasonable since the split – maybe he did some serious thinkibg in that police cell?); will it just bring back my panic attacks?

Sorry, ive waffled on and on, its like once you start you cant stop…

Have a look at Lundy Bancrofts blog and book. Its a eyeopener and helped me realise its all him and that i dont need to feel guilty. I can pm you link and title if you like.

Take care and stay strong, we deserve happiness and freedom,

x

[Anonymous]

Hi Iwillbeok You need to go on, We all need to go on, you story so similar to mine in so many ways, He did nothing at home at all, yet we had to live by his rulebook, strictly, or else we would suffer. He also controlled my life by getting others to watch me & report back to him. He did it to his mum too, controlling even who we spoke to, who visited. He knew everything about me but I knew barely anything about him, how can that ever happen!! At the beginning I thought he cared, I reeled my heart out about past vile life experiences, why I was so scared about certain things. Had no idea his intentions years later to use my greatest fears to the point of my now, near total destruction. Despite everything I want to hate him, do hate him, but still feel pity!! My youngest (not his) who still lives with me shows traits of abusers character I think or it could be me, anyone says or does anything remotely like our abuser my head screams “No no stop, please stop” scarey is an understatement of what he’s done to us. Xx

[Serenity]

I believe it is possible to build yourself up into something wonderful from absolute rock bottom, Blueberry.

I think the person who comes out of the other side will be different from the one who was there at the beginning of the abusive relationship.

I think we will have lost our naivety, but we will be able to appreciate the correct values in people and be able to be more discerning about other people. We won’t waste our life with people who make us feel bad, and we will value those who show qualities that we value.

I think being soft and gentle is different from being weak. None of us are weak here: the opposite. Being traumatised is different from being weak. I think we are all very resilient and have inner strength. It takes strength to be gentle.

Abusers are the weak ones: they need to control others in order to feel strong. We don’t need to. We have enough inner resources of our own to operate without having to resort to bullying, indicating we are essentially independent and strong. Our abuser tried to destroy that, but I do believe we are too strong to be destroyed permanently. It might take time to reconstruct ourself, but we will be stronger than ever. x

[Anonymous]

Hi Serenity, Your words are so true. Soft and gentle, never abuse, just walk away from all who use bullying tactics that is our strength, Why we have to lose so many people in the process though who believe our abusers is absolutely heart breaking to our souls. We have to set boundaries & yet then told “you’ve changed, you used to be so soft hearted” I don’t but I want to say “You mean I’m not a push over like I used to be, sorry it’s called self protection, sorry I don’t give You permission to take over where he left off” wow how I see people in such a different light now, to how I ever saw them before, I see clearly the ones who use the “I’m really weak, but will make out I’m strong controlling natures” I think the world today has become more & more full of people whose boundaries are so high, they all think they have a right to put us down, put us in our place, make us look small. I find some inner strength by thinking one day you will meet another who will make you look small. I pray that all of us can be stronger, for myself I think why actually should I change, why should I be anything other than kind, but & it’s a big but, only to those who show you same level of understanding in return. I need to be brave & say “sorry you do not have the right to tell me anything, ask me, but do not tell me by your own standards & perceptions” I look at the lives of those who have judged mine & think I know your tolerance levels they are so low, Mine ase high & I know they are high because I know that to withstand the high level of abuse myself & my son did for well over a decade, I am still alive, so is he, nervous wrecks but we are still fighting for survival. Everyone here knows just how much courage that takes xx

[Author]

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