Weekend Loneliness

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone.

Well I am feeling a little calmer and more peaceful now that I have a bit of distance from my abusive relationship. I feel like I can see my abusive ex with a bit of perspective now and yesterday was the first day since leaving that I didn’t cry!

I am piecing together the pieces of how I ended up with someone like him. Like those crime dramas when they look back and can see that a series of events lead to something catastrophic.

One thing, in fact the main thing was loneliness! I used to sacrifice every weekend to this guy and come home exhausted and resentful. But the reason was before him I had spent a few years having the most boring weekends ever devoid of human connection. This crept up on me slowly and wasn’t always the case – when I was a student I always had friends and housemates to go places with, plus hobbies that involved weekend events and socialising. When I was younger I used to go out clubbing with friends, and as I got older I met friends round at their houses for dinner parties, cups of tea and films etc. But gradually each friend got into serious relationships and my weekend hobbies stopped taking place. So no wonder when I met this guy and he wanted to spend every weekend with me I was like ‘woohoo, finally someone to hang out with at the weekends so I’m not just at home hoovering or out somewhere yet again by myself!’

Today I feel calm but sad. I have nothing planned at all for the weekend. I’m a member of a gym so I can go there but it’s a soulless place where nobody talks so it’s not very uplifting (Im quitting soon to find other more joyous fitness activities). I’ve asked a friend to meet up but she’s busy, another is away and most don’t live locally. I used to go to one hobby and it’s on tomorrow so I think I’ll go to that. I do like doing things alone but I realise I spend most of my time alone and I need to socialise quite a lot more especially since I’m not in work so I don’t get that interaction with people you get each day at a job.

Reflecting on this has made me realise I need to focus on making my weekends full of enjoyable things which involve other people because right now I feel very lonely and sad and if I were to meet another man there’s the danger I’d rely on him again to provide me with social interaction and fun at weekends which is just too unhealthily dependent on another person and that loneliness tends to attract the abusive types like bees to honey.

Thanks for listening, it’s helped me to type this out 🙂

How do you deal with weekend loneliness? Is loneliness a factor that got you into an abusive relationship too? Do you have any ideas for fun social weekend activities I could try?

[iwillbeok]

Hi sunshine,

I struggle a little with weekend lonliness of an evening mostly. My ex was so focussed on getting out and doing things of a weekend (I would be asked on a Friday night, just before bed “What are we doing this weekend?” “I dont want to just sit around – we have to get out and do something.”) I would come up with long lists of possibilities (none of which were suitable of course) & then he’d come up with something he’d found earlier in the week 😧!! We had no social lives outside the family -was very antisocial; hated small talk & found it exhausting (I now realise it was exhausting him trying to keep his mask on!).

As a result I am quite enjoying my ‘me’ time. I ca watch what I like on tv, mooch around the shops and get a coffee, go see a movie… whatever I like. At first I found it tricky to decide what I felt like doing and would change my mind 20 times before settling on something! I have begun to feel increasingly more comfortable in my own company.

I have also arranged things with friends on occassion and feel maybe in the future attend or even start a <insert name of hobby here> club as there doesn’tseem to be any in our area.

I also feel that I need to rediscover “me” before I even contemplate the idea of finding someone new and like you say become reliant on them for company/entertainment. I dont need to a find a “other half” as i refuse to be half a person just because i dont have a man.

I have also been meaning to look into (detail removed by Moderator) groups in my area. A colleague also suggested sporting clubs such as a walking/running group or a tennis club – as they often do social things as well as the sport.

Take care xx

[Anonymous]

Hi the loneliness is terrible, I used to love craft, but even that he criticised so I stopped. I was quite a home bird when I met my abuser, he didn’t like going out & after spending years on my own the company was good. I am away & like you crave to occupy time doing something to take my mind off of the fears that take up so much of my head. I’m not sporty at all, so that doesn’t appeal to me. I’m scared to go out & meet strangers for fear they are not good people, he was a stranger I’d met on a chat line, one I knew nothing about & he was always shady about his past, like it was a secret. I tend to want to isolate as my trust levels are exceptionally low. Also not many people understand what years of abuse does & they don’t understand my nervousness either. I did find one thing to do at home that helped take my mind off things – mindful colouring, (adult colouring books) the designs are small print, but the relaxation feeling the gel pens on the paper is quite therapeutic. Also the bright bold colours. I think their are also groups on local libraries etc and coffee mornings, which maybe good to socialise for a bit. I’m personally not at that point yet, but at some point I’d like to volunteer to help others, I think helping others less fortunate would be a positive thing to do. Walking helped me a little, seeing nature, feeling the sun or wind on my face, & music too, I’ve heard a lot of people say that dance & singing helps. I wasn’t allowed to have music on when he was at home, so yet another thing I got used to not being able to do. It’s just an idea but is there a single ladies group in your area, I’ve recently asked the same lately & haven’t yet found one, but think it maybe an idea, maybe plan days or nights out together, around other women who are also struggling with the loneliness & something to fill the void xx

[Houndgirl]

I’m new to the forum but your comment about how you isolate yourself really hit home. I’m probably more unusual in that my ex walked out on me after years (decades) of emotional abuse. I’ve not coped well with this but (detail removed by Moderator) on I find that either people are avoiding me or I have moved away from them because of the trust thing. Sad to say I’m still hoping that a miracle will happen, he will see the error of his abusive ways, and return to put things right. In the meantime I have never felt so lonely and will often go a whole weekend without speaking to anyone but the dogs. At work I’m still in denial and have not confessed my single status so put on a ‘gameface’ and pretend I’m ok. I feel my whole existence is a pointless fake, not a life at all. All I do is work and take care of my dogs. If it wasn’t for them I doubt I would still be here.

[KIP.]

Hey there. I remember in the early days of him being arrested, the weekends were a big issue with me. But as time goes on (time really is a big healer), and your confidence and energy return, you learn to appreciate all the time you have to yourself. I think we are sapped of energy in the early days. Dealing with trauma, no headspace to plan or even energy to leave the house, unless we have to. I’m just trying to say that slowly this weekend problem dissapears and you gradually rediscover things that make you happy 😃

[Alicenotichains]

I think of all of you ladies at the weekend. When your out of the bad relationship I think you tend to think more at weekends and when you are in a bad relationship weekends can be awful as that is when a lot of the abuse takes place. I used to dread weekends when I was married. In my second abusive relationship I used to be hopeful about weekends but some would go so wrong and I would feel so confused. At least now things are much calmer x

[White Rose]

Hi
Ive sent you a pm with some info – it would have been “censored” if I added here but it might help kr give you food for thought.
Sometimes I love my weekends and sometimes I hate them – doesn’t matter if I’m busy or not!

[Lightness]

Hi Sunshine
Would you have the option of getting a pet? Just a thought.
Lightness

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for your replies, it’s much appreciated 🙂

I think it’s so true that time is a healer and that part of this is just accepting that for a while I will feel lonely at the weekends and that’s ok, as long as I continue to take steps each day to rebuild my life so that I eventually start to have a few things on each weekend to look forward to where I am interacting with others.

Lightness I have a pet and she is amazing, she is what got me through when I was suicidal, I kept going because I knew she would be sad and looking for me if I was gone the way she waits for me by the door when I come home.

White Rose thanks for your PM I am going to reply to it properly after I have typed this out.

I’ve had a better weekend this weekend than last, have met a friend, done a fitness class and done some work and tomorrow I have booked onto a local workshop which should be interesting and it at least gets me out and about doing something different. I still felt very sad this afternoon and cried, but it was ok, I just accepted that I was sad. I spent almost the entire weekend every weekend with my ex in the relationship so I suppose it’s normal that now I will be feeling very strange and sad as it’s left a big void. It doesn’t help that he often gets in touch at the weekends, but I continue to ignore him and will continue to do so. I’m reaching out to friends and on here and helplines when I need to talk, but also I have read in two different places this weekt he importance of embracing that loneliness, to go within, and heal, so I have started to enjoy my alone time a little more this week, and the peace and quiet that it brings.

[Lightness]

Hi SunshineRainFlower
Just popping by to wish you well this weekend – it’s a long one so hard for some of us
Lightness

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you Lightness 🙂 I am doing good this weekend for a change after planning some nice activities with friends. Have just sent you a PM. I hope you and the other ladies on here are doing ok this weekend and enjoying the nice weather and if not then you are all surviving and getting a bit of peace and quiet.
Sunshine xx

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