Weird guilt about child maintenance

[Serenity]

I posted yesterday about how my ex is finally having to pay some child maintenance.

I had to send in evidence that he must be earning much more, and his worked, but now I had a strange reaction!

It’s not a huge amount: he’s still hiding some of his earnings ( I would say at least half), but it’s more than he’s ever had to give us. In my long marriage, I was so controlled and brainwashed that I slogged hard to pay for things for my kids and I, whilst he was hiding his own money away. He’d give me the odd bit of cash once every so often to make it appear like he was contributing- but I know that it was just to deflect attention away from the fact he was hiding such huge amounts away for himself. It was like giving me crumbs, in comparison to what he was really earning.

He resenting spending anything on us as a family. In the last (detail removed by Moderator) years, he couldn’t even bring himself to dip his hand in his pocket tompay for family holidays. Either I paid, or he freeloaded on things others had paid for.

I managed to keep the house, and he’s been paid off. He’s already been able to buy himself a large property, which he’s letting out ( this getting income) and on which he’s got a mortgage, proving he’s earning ok.

So why do I now feel racked with guilt about getting maintenance off him?

It’s only what other decent dads pay, and he left me after years without any savings ( I had to spend what I earned on essentials, and he’d take money off me too).

Maybe it’s not so much guilt I’m feeling, but anxiety, as I know he will be seething with angry about this. He will be bad-mouthing me, saying what a gold-digger I am, when in fact he’s managed to take advantage of me financially over the years, not vice versa.

I don’t depend anything on myself barely. I’ve treated myself to a gym membership but that is to help me to conquer my health issues and to enable me to cope better with life and as a mum- and to regain my stamina and confidence. I don’t buy expensive clothes. The money I receive will be set aside for the boys, so why do I feel so negative about it all?

[cupofcoffee]

Please do not feel guilty, your ex sounds almost exactly as my ex. Did he feel guilty all the years that he was hiding money away and not paying his fair share for his partner and kids? He obviously does not feel any guilt now and is still hiding money away, and a decent man would want to provide for his children at least.

I think it is more your anxiety about his anger and that is completely understandable, my ex also called me a gold digger but believe me, other people can see through this, you are only claiming what is rightfully needed for your kids. My ex reacts very badly as soon as his superiority (ie his right to hide all his money) was threatened, but please remember that this is not normal, a decent man would never behave like this.

[Bubblegum]

I agree with cupocoffee .Dont feel guilty he needs to provide for his children as much as you need to do and any decent man would not act like this .My Ex used to pay every month for our kids plus extra Xmas but looking back that was only to keep me sweet and still have control over me .The minute I went no contact things changed dramatically where I have had to go through Child Maintenance.Knowing my Ex husband he is not going to be happy as his psychic excuse as a father he does not have to pay as he does not see his kids .His choice may I add but being Typical abuser he is he blames it all on me for not seeing his kids .It took a very long time with me but I don’t feel guilty in the slightest having to go to Child maintenance.Just shows you can’t reason with these kind of men .

[Serenity]

Thanks, ladies, I think it is anxiety. My ex is so money-mad, he accuses everyone else of being so, even if they are just protecting their rights.

I suppose the truth is that he’s such a liar, he’s probably been lying and telling people he’s been paying child maintenance even when he hasn’t- so what’s the difference?! He’d bad-mouth me even if I hadn’t claimed any CM.

xx

[KIP.]

Hey there. I know how you feel. I’m very close to a good financial settlement and it’s only what I deserve and what I’m entitled to and what I fought for but it makes me feel anxious. Like when you were together and felt happy, then they would pull the rug from underneath by taking something from you and making you feel bad about it? We are still stuck in the thought pattern we were brainwashed by. Take the money and enjoy every penny. It’s purely what you are entitled to and deserve for you and your children. Let him spout his pity speech. No one believes him. Well done. You and your children can enjoy what it brings x

[Serenity]

Thanks, KIP!

Your response has really helped!

I just seems strange getting what I should really have got all along. The marriage should have been us both contributing to the kids, but it wasn’t- so it seems uncomfortable because it’s new!

I will keep your response and look at it every time I feel guilty!

[Confused123]

HI HUn

dont feel guilty, im sure he has plenty hidden away, its his responsibilty to to pay towards to kids, i told u at beginign i felt like this guilty as my ex has laods of debts , but waste of time feeling guilty they just find ways to not pay us , if his finally paying take it , u do enough for kids

[Author]

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