- This topic has 8 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.
29th May 2016 at 7:34 am #18212AnonymousInactive
Last eve I talked on the phone for 2 hours to my husband, who left us the day before, at my request.
He told me more in 2 hours than in all our years together! New things he’s never said before, and admissions of things he’s previously firmly denied.
He talked about love, his sorrow for hurting us, what he feels about losing us.
He said he’s sorry, so sorry, he knows we’re the kindest ppl he’s met.
He cried & cried (so did I).
He admitted feeling scared and vulnerable and that he needs to – and will – seek help to sort out the (IMO horrific) abuse in his own childhood which led him to abuse us.
He asked for time alone, to deal with all that, and whether we’d be ok if he called us or saw us sometimes.
I so was not expecting any of that! He never talks honestly, explains openly or asks permission. He did last eve. It. helped me to have that apology and validation.
Idk whether he’ll be able to change but I know ppl can, and so I know I’ll have to take *exceedingly great care* not to get drawn back in for more abuse.
But I think he’s brave to admit he’s hurt ppl & should be proud that he’s acknowledged he needs to fix that and get help to do it.
What a weird and wonderful world this can be.
Hugs to everyone, S xx
29th May 2016 at 9:43 am #18218MellowyellowParticipant
That’s great that you’ve had validation and he’s admitted he needs help. Almost like closure I guess? Some people change and you will know if he’s really changed for the better or not deep down.
That’s good you had that talk though xx
29th May 2016 at 8:56 pm #18266lover of no contactParticipant
I’d be very careful in resuming contact with him. All abusers can talk the talk. They can tell us what we want to hear. They can appeal to our forgiving natures. Abusers rarely change. Have you read ‘ Why does he do that-Getting inside the minds of angry and controlling men.’ Lundy Bancroft who wrote the book holds out very little hope of an abuser changing. I think its less than less 1 per cent.
Words are easy to utter. Look to the actions. My abuser knew how to turn on the tears once when he was ‘pretending’ to my daughter that he was upset at the breakdown of our marriage. He would have won an Oscar for his performance. I was shocked at his level of pretence and of course my teenage daughter believed him.
30th May 2016 at 5:03 am #18282AnonymousInactive
Thank you, Lover, I can see you’re right. Day 3 yesterday and already I have seen my boundaries ignored as he asks me ‘Can I just …’. I’ll stop him. Just need to find the strength! S xx
29th May 2016 at 10:55 pm #18275SaharaDParticipant
Yeah my husband said all of that too and then was still nasty.
Tell him he can’t call or see you until he has finished his “treatment“
Then you will see him become nasty as he can rely on the you to be his physical and psychological crutch and punching bag.
29th May 2016 at 10:57 pm #18276SaharaDParticipant
He needs to go cold Turkey like an addict and in some ways so do you.
Then you will see through no contact with the abuser for months, a year how much better you life is.
30th May 2016 at 5:00 am #18281AnonymousInactive
Thank you for taking the time to reply, SaharaD. Wise words. I see the truth of them. S xx
30th May 2016 at 6:00 pm #18328I am better than thisParticipant
So hard isn’t it! My ex did the same, over and over and over again……so many times my family couldn’t believe how I let him get away with stuff. And even defended him!! But at the time, he sounded so plausible, tears thrown in for good measure, and I’d believe him just like that. But I honestly think at that point, it said more about me then it did him. He had conditioned me well and I wanted to believe him, to feed off the bits of love he offered me. But the day I almost laughed at his act, is the day he spun on me like poison and mentally hurt our child in the process. He has stayed that way since….purely because he sees he can no longer control me. So he tries occasionally, like recently to get his own way, but I’ve developed thicker skin now so I don’t fall for it anymore. His actions never match his words…that’s the clincher for me! x
30th May 2016 at 11:30 pm #18349AnonymousInactive
That’s so true, IABTT, love is a verb – it’s something we do, not (just) something we say. Take care, S xx
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