Were they abusive or just really mean?

[moondaisy]

Hi everyone

I’m writing this because I feel confused and I would like some perspectives on my situation. I was in a relationship with someone when I was very young and they were older than me.
I have not been in contact with this person for a very long time and I’m in a healthy situation now and only have people in my life who are very loving and understanding. However, when I left the person I told them I felt they were emotionally abusive and they reacted with shock and anger and wrote about me on social media saying that I was confused and over sensitive and eventually a crazy ex who is psychotic/sociopathic/n********c. But at first they were saying we only had very minor problems that I was confused about and otherwise they thought our relationship was perfect and that my accusations were totally out of the blue and a shocking revelation – but they’d been telling me for ages that I was making them so unhappy and that if I didn’t sort out my mental health and our infrequent sex life then they would just leave me and find someone else. I’m worried because they said I ruined their life and caused them an attempt on their life and that panicked me because I never want to be responsible for making someone feel like that.

I want to know if I was wrong for thinking he was emotionally abusive. I went to therapy a couple times and they said that it sounded like emotional abuse, but that sounded like they were uncertain and it made me worry I was overreacting. Especially as the person is so adamant that I am actually the abusive one and he talks about himself as an abuse victim. Is it possible that my anxiety made me act unreasonbly and therefore abusive? Or just that my sensitivity was what made me think it was abuse?

I’m trying to be as vague as possible but some examples;

Very angry response to most things, especially if I said no to sex. Would smash his desk/walls/game controllers with his hands and broke a lot of equipment. Once threw something in my direction (but I’m sure he wasn’t actually aiming for me) but he ignored me whilst I cried. He did comfort me when he calmed down and said he wouldn’t do it again but he always did.

I was young so I wasn’t ready to leave home yet and was still very childish and I explained that he just needed to give me time to grow up because I was so young and I knew he was a lot older than me. He just said that I didn’t understand how the world works and that I’m lazy, childish and pathetic and need to just grow up.

He told me I was an insecure, jealous person. And I think I could often be like this but he kept making lewd comments about women and I told him that it upset me. He also used to tell me when an attractive woman flirted with him. If ever he saw a provocative picture online he’d make a big song and dance about it in front of me.

We argued all the time, he kept commenting on the weight I had put on, he had no sympathy for me being unwell and would still be angry I turned down sex. He would actually make me stay awake until 3am and then complain when I said I was too exhausted.

He called me names on a daily basis and said it was just a joke, but refused to stop when I said it hurt my feelings and acted like I was trying to be controlling and stop him “being his true self”.

Now I’m writing all this out it sounds so wrong but I still don’t know if it was on purpose or if he just was mean without realising the impact on me because he had had a rough childhood. Other people’s stories of emotional abuse sounds so much worse than mine and I just can’t help worrying I’ve been way too sensitive.

He is long gone and we will never see each other again most likely but I just can’t stop panicking I’ve ruined an innocent person’s life. I never publicly put his name to abuse and only mentioned it anon on forums where nobody knew who he was. Otherwise I have only told people in my immediate family and my partner.

[KIP.]

You have definitely not ruined his life. He is a typical abuser. Making out that he is the victim in all this is just what they do. Him calling you names is what abusers do. Trying to discredit you so that no one will believe you when the truth about him come out is what abusers do. Abusers have no empathy. If you were an abuser you wouldn’t be feeling guilty and coming onto a women’s aid forum for support. He is one hundred percent the abuser. Their twisted ways leave us feeling confused. They never accept guilt and thrive by making others carry their guilt. Please don’t do this. One last thing. They are liars liars liars. Don’t believe s word he says. They simply make it all up. If he was asked to explain his actions he would simply lie, divert blame onto your and carry on like nothing happened. Don’t make the mistake of thinking he behaves and thinks the way you do. He simply doesn’t. Try to put these thoughts of guilt out of your mind. You have done nothing wrong. You have had a very lucky escape. Once you rebuild your self esteem and confidence that is rocked by abuse, it will all make sense. Meantime be very kind to yourself x

[KIP.]

If they were just mean they would be mean to everyone. Not just to you behind closed doors.

[EbonyRaven]

You weren’t wrong at all, and I wouldn’t be surprised at all to learn that he had not actually tried to hurt himself. When you unmasked him it caused him to fly into a rage, they hate to think anyone recognises what they actually are, and will make every effort to discredit you because of it.

As to the therapy; They can’t give a diagnoses on what you’ve said to them, it’s not ethical without actually meeting that person. So they have to say that it ‘sounds’ like they could be abusive, or a n**c or whichever. It’s nothing at all to do with them being uncertain or not believing you.

You did exactly the right thing and have nothing to blame yourself or feel bad for.

I’m so glad to hear that you are now surrounded by loving people and are happy. You deserve it. x

[moondaisy]

Thank you so much for your replies <3

I think I just really needed reassurance because I had it in my mind that if I typed out what he was like then people would say “you’re upset over that? Toughen up!” because he always told me that our relationship was amazing compared to other people’s and that a lot of people were jealous of our wonderful relationship and I threw away something fantastic.

I do know deep down that how he treated me was wrong, but it’s helpful for me to be able to seek that reassurance. I just think I have been very hesitant about calling it abuse because he pointed out I was accusing him of a horrible crime and that if I continued to discuss it he would call the police. This really frightened me and I haven’t wanted to call it abuse to myself or anyone else for fear that it would get back to him and he’d drag me through legal procedings.

It makes sense why therapists/counsellors wouldn’t “diagnose” as I know they can’t know the psychology of someone they haven’t met. I should probably have more confidence in what I know to be the truth, it’s just really hard when nobody else was witness. Though the reason I addressed it was because a couple of friends suggested they didn’t like the way he was talking to me.

I really appreciate the comfort and reassurance and I feel much better already, my heart has been pounding all evening with anxiety about it and it’s finally easing. It’s frustrating because I reach out/help others with emotionally abusive situations all the time. I know the signs, I know the mentality, but it’s just so hard to apply it to myself and believe that really did all happen to me.

Thank you again, I will keep working on my self confidence in this situation and hopefully stick around the forums n_n

[Iwantmeback]

Hi moondaisy, i just want to let you know that you were having anxious feelings around or about him because of his abusive ways. I to would doubt very much he tried to kill himself, it’s a thing most abusers say though some do try. Everything you wrote is about living in an abusive relationship.
It’s very hard accepting the person we were in love with/ are in love with treated us so badly/wickedly. yes it’s hard to put into words that make sense because the situation we were in doesn’t make sense, how most of it was about how he made you feel or think and how do you explain that to someone else when you can’t explain it to yourself. I’m finding being on this forum and by talking through my previous relationships and the one I’m still in so helpful. It’s making me and helping me see ME, see where i went wrong(childhood), how i became such a people pleaser, how certain people are attracted to and abuse us just because we are loving, forgiving, nicer, kinder, people. I much prefer being me, it must be exhausting hating people so much that it fills you with such self hatred and hatred of others.
Be kind to yourself, you are an amazing, articulate woman who has so much to live for and love for others.
Welcome to the forum too.

IWMB 💕💕

[moondaisy]

Hi! Thank you so much <3

It really is more difficult than you’d think, isn’t it? Before and during the relationship I was one of those people who said “I’d never let someone treat me like that” and then I went and got stuck in that situation. It just shows how insidious and subtle the behaviour is. I’ve had a lot of time to think last night and I’ve reminded myself of why things were so bad and why I had to leave. My health had deteriorated very quickly and everyone around me was so relieved I broke up with him.

Thank you so much for your lovely compliments. You made me smile and I’m very excited to stay around the forums ^_^

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