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Hi all
Bit of a long one but bear with me, I really need others opinions as I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this…Hear me out
I have been with my other half for a long time. We met over (detail removed by Moderator) and we were talking on there for a while before we met.
In those early days (and I mean before we met) I had alot of male friends but I never cheated on him. I was carefree and was very socialable. I wpuld go out most weekends with my friends and on holidays. I was very happy back then.
At the time there was (detail removed by Moderator) miles between us and I never actually thought it wpuld come to anything I guess, so aswell as talking to him I was talking to other guys that I know in real life (not over a computer) but these messages were just flirtly banter and honestly I never did anything like kiss another guy behide his back but there was flirtly silly messages.
Anyway things between us went really fast, he completly lovebombed me. All of a sudden he had moved in with me and I was pregnaut. Then all the red flags started to appear. I wasn’t allowed out with friends not even for coffee, I had to delete all males on my facebook (later he actually got rid of my facebook before he told me) I just had to be with him at all times and I did, since then I havn’t had a night out with friends. He said we didn’t need anyone but each other. I knew this was wrong but hey you all know what its like and why I didn’t leave then ( I had just lost my job and was expecting aswell and he had a successful business so I just thought it was best to stay)
Things went ok, there was episodes of abuse both emotional and phyiscal but he couldn’t do enough for me. Then (detail removed by Moderator) later he found those old messages because he hacked into my (detail removed by Moderator) and read them all. He said he did it because he just had a feeling I had been unfaithful.
That night was (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and it still causes problems. He is so jealous and obsessed with my past sometimes I feel I can’t breath. He has today woken up in a foul mood about these messages and has made my life hell today. He kept saying he was going to send all the messages to my family so they know what i am like?!?! He has also been demanding to know how many people I have slept with because he thinks I am lying about that and won’t take my answer he just thinks I am lying. He has been so awful today I just can’t stand it. I am so unhappy and want out but I have no family near by (they all live abroad) and our son would be devastated! Also I am scared of him and I am scared what he would do if I said I wanted to break up. He said today with a horrible smile on his face ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’
Over the years he has kicked me, bit me, strangled me (I had bruises round my neck) pushed me, went to full on punch me with closed fists. Now these things don’t happen alot I will admit and the last episode of abuse was about (detail removed by Moderator) months ago when he twirsted my arm back oh and he threatened to knock my jaw off my face on (detail removed by Moderator) because I got some sauce on my new outfit he bought me…It was an accident but he said I had disrespected him. There are times when he is lovely and can’t do enough for me and is nice and normal but there is always that feeling of at any moment his mood may change and I am walking on eggshells
After today and me begging him not to send those old messages to my family and him laughing (he was loving it, I try to do the grey rock method as much as i can but not over this) all of a sudden he wants to be ok and sort this out!!
What the hell do I do?
Sorry for this essay but I truly have no one really I can indulge this much information
😔
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So sorry you are having such an awful time. My husband is not physical, but everything else you have spoken about, I can completely relate to. My husband constantly brings up friendships I had before we were together and things I stupidly told him about drunken nights out or ex boyfriends. He also will not let it lie. I have also never cheated (though he thinks I have which us another constant battle) yet he suspects me all of the time. One of the things that upsets me is that he doesn’t know me or my morals.
Reaching out on here is the first step to getting help, and I’m sure lots of others will have good advice. I’m still stuck in my situation so don’t feel very qualified to advise. However, I am concerned for the physical safety of you and your child so consider your options in terms of getting out, even if it means a womens refuge. Sending hugs….
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Do you think your family would be that horrified by your old messages? I would think it would be his behaviour they’d be horrified by, and would hate to think that you were staying in an abusive relationship to avoid them knowing that you have sent flirty messages in your past.
These men have a way of twisting things to a bizarre perspective. Also, even if there were no messages, he’d find something else to rage or sulk about. It’s what they do.
My ex sent all kinds of messages to by brother and his wife. They were the ones that welcomed me with open arms when I escaped. And since then we are closer than we’ve ever been. My brother refused to engage with my ex. He also never told me what were in the messages. Me and my brother had never been close before all that happened so I count it as one good thing that came out of it all.
It’s a bigger risk to stay than leave x*x
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Hi Smallbutbrave
Do you feel that you could leave if you had the right support in place?
I totally understand your concerns about your son but I’m going to be honest with you here. I stayed with my ex for the sake of my children. I thought they would be devastated if I left. To my utter horror, I later discovered that staying was actually the most harmful thing I could have done.
No child should witness abuse, whatever form it takes. It is incredibly damaging for them and is considered child abuse. In addition, controlling men want to control everyone in there sphere. Your son is likely to be experiencing manipulation already. It may be manipulating the way your son perceives you or it may be more overt, manipulating who your son is friends with, what games he plays, how he dresses and later on, what subjects he opts for at school.
This man sounds incredibly cruel and very abusive and he is a serious threat to your son and to you. If you haven’t already done so, please reach out to your local dv charity and begin to work out a safe exit plan. xx
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Thank you all for replying it means so much
He is acting now like everything is fine and wants us to make up in bed tonight and he wants me to be all over him, if I don’t it all starts again.
Honestly I hate him and I have nonidea how I will get through tonight. Because he thinks I was very passionate with an ex he wants me to be like that with him but otbis so hard when i resent him so much and now have zero sex drive because of all the pressure he has put on me over the years to perform and put out as he says. Everything comes down to sex and his lack of it he says (he gets it most nights even though I hate it and really don’t want to)
I know my son hears us having these
dissagreements and hears me begging my partner to keep it down as i dont want him to hear butnhe has heard stuff and my pertner has said stuff about me to him which is so hurtful.If inever try to defend myself I am playing the victim and turning everything around?!
I just don’t jnow how to tell him truly how unhappy i am and how i would like to call it a day, like what do i do?? What if he refuses to leave? I work but I don’t earn alot and rents where i live are so high i just couldn’t do it on my own. As I said earlier I have no family near by.
I just wosh he would leave
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I am so so sorry to hear this. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. At all. Your child doesn’t need to be exposed to this.
You’ve been very brave to write this all down so clearly. It’s incredibly wrong what he’s doing. Ive been/am going through the same thing. Last week I just didn’t know what else to do – very similar experiences to you and threatening to send me away from my kids. All for silly stuff I did a million years ago. But this is what abusers do – they make you feel like it’s your fault. That you deserve to be punished. That you owe them. Honey, you owe him nothing. But you owe yourself to find help. Please consider calling the DV helpline. If you can’t talk then Victim support has a web chat function. Both those services for me help asap. Turns out that strangulation is a massive red flag. I wish I’d known so much earlier!
You are strong. You are beautiful. You don’t deserve this. You’ve already done the hardest part and that’s opening up. Now get the help and support you deserve. He’s a monster and you don’t deserve any of it xx
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Oh lovely, I’m so sorry this is your world right now. If it wasn’t the messages it would be something else, he knows the messages cause the reaction he wants which is why he uses them. I saw your post before it was moderated and there has been more than sufficient time elapsed since they were written for him to get over it. In a normal relationship the advice would be either accept and shut up about it, or leave. Unfortunately our worlds don’t work like that.
Which brings me to your last post – you can’t reason with this man or make him understand how you feel. He’ll just take your words, twist them somehow against you and enjoy your pain – even if at the time he seems genuine. And as for your son, don’t underestimate what our kids see and feel, they live in the tension too. This man will not leave if asked, even if he says he will, he won’t. He’s got you ‘trained’ and in his mind he’s ‘entitled’ to do what HE wants, no one else matters.
What can you do? Start to learn about abuse, here is a fantastic place to be the ladies are amazing. Read up on abusers – Lundy Bancroft’s’why does he do that’, and pat craven’s’living with the dominator’, watch Dr Ramani, learn about the cycle of abuse, cognitive dissonance which keeps us locked in and you’ll start to feel stronger.
You downplay the physical abuse in your post but honey, this is serious and you don’t deserve it. The timespan between the last physical event and now isn’t that long and you shouldn’t think ‘it was x months ago so it’s ok’. You’ve been conditioned to take it and ‘forgive’, speak with womansaid and don’t be scared to phone the police. There’s help out there, you can get out.
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Sorry I also forgot to say that my abuser used to threaten to ‘tell my family about me’. He always made my behaviour out to be so bad thay i couldn’t bear the thought. Two days ago I told them myself and they were so incredibly underwhelmed by this ‘shameful behaviour’ it was almost funny. Abusers warp reality. Besides, no matter what you’ve done you don’t deserve to be treated this way.
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I have thought about calling the police before but I am so scared of what he would say or do I can’t even do that.
In the past he asked me how many men I have slept with and he went on and on till i told him, well he brought it back up today and demanded to know how many i have been with and he told me to tell the truth and not lie because he will know. I mean how awful is that, its none of hos business. Why does he want to know? He also said he was going to send all those old messages from my fb to my phone (yes, he saved everything on his harddrive) and watch me squirm. He even gave me a time in which I had to give him my answer, Well i didn’t and thats when he saidnhe was going to send the messages to my family and everyone in my phone contacts.
Also I said how he has not been an angel because he honestly thinks he is such a great guy, he really does. He is one of these guys who if he does something really helpful for someone then everyone has to know about it (makes my blood boil, esp when I hear people tell me what a great man he is) I reminded him of those times he has been physical with me and his answer to that was ‘well thats your fault, you pushed my buttons…Anyway stop playing the victim’ I don’t raise my voice, swear, be aggressive or control him but somehow Inpushed his buttons??? I would do anything to stop him becoming violent it is horrible.
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This is all very typical abuser behaviour sadly, you can’t win. He’s highly unlikely to follow through with the threats to tell ppl but that fear he could keeps you under his control. Another good video to watch is a short clip on the freedom program website and it’s called something like ‘mr good vs me nasty’, first time I watched it I thought it was a bit over the top but having lived it, it’s very accurate and makes you think. If you call the police he will absolutely try to twist it and use it, mine said things like he’d never have done that to me, the only reason social services are here is because of me etc, there was zero acceptance of his involvement but whilst I chose not to pursue anything it did give me strength to know I’m not alone and which kick started my own learning and journey to escape. The more you learn the more those rose tinted foggy glasses drop xx
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I think it’s great that you’re here and starting to talk about it. On the one hand it’s awful to know that this is abuse, but on the other hand there is a lot of support out there. Including here. I spoke on line (in incognito mode) to victim support and women’s aid using their web chat function because my abuser was working in the house. I then went for a walk and called the National DV helpline. All were great. I’d also recommend telling your GP. They can log the abuse and get you meds to help with stress and depression.
You have options. You are strong. You don’t deserve any of this. You can get out of this as quickly or as slowly as you need.
Keep posting and know you’re not alone. xx
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